Am I wasting my life?

[Slushies]

Ive been single and celibate (not really through choice) for almost 10 years. Mainly down to circumstances (lone parent have the kids full time) I mentioned it on another group and people thought it was crazy and that I was “wasting my life away” 😅 i dont know how it got so long it’s gone pretty quick tbh the longer you leave it then easier it has become. Someone said they haven’t had sex in 2 years and it was “so long they felt like a virgin again” and I was just thinking wow thats not even long I could easily do another 2 years on top without thinking about it. But now im starting to think am I crazy? Am I wasting my life? Should I get myself back out there? Ive only finally started to get some free time to myself but the catch is it’s during school hours 😌 (Im not asexual)

No such thing as 'wasting your life away' if you are doing you - enjoying your kids, work, life! You can't judge your life by other people's (arbitrary) benchmarks. If you would like some companionship and intimacy get out there, if not, stay in your comfort zone!

Weird that the group think a life is 'wasted' if its free of some bloke

Point out to them that studies have proven the happiest section of society are single (childfree) women, and how they're wasting their lives by missing out.

Im not child free 😆

I'm aware, hence why I put it in brackets as that aspect didn't apply to you, but the other two components do.

Oh I see, the onlt really I’ve been celibate for so long is because of the kids, if I didn’t have them I wouldn’t have gone so long. It was not really so much as a choice. I was just surprised at how shocked people were and said I was crazy.

Are sex and relationships the only thing that matters? Are you wasting your life if you don't have them? You have children, I imagine a job, friends, families, interests, hobbies etc....is that wasting your life?

I mean, no reason not to go out and get so e strange if you like, but it's not essential to a life well lived.

Sounds like you're perfectly content to me. Put it this way, if DH died I wouldn't be interested in finding another man.

Are you arsed about sex/ relationships?

Everyone is different, sex/intimacy is more important to some people than it is to others, there isn’t a right or wrong answers just different people with different opinions.

I’d also say everyone’s situation is different and people tend to just think of it in their own situation. I’m happily married and we have a great sex life, it’s important to us, so I’d say the thought of going 2 years without it feels like madness. BUT if we were to split up I know I’d have the kids most of the time logistically due to husband’s job and can well imagine I’d certainly not be in any hurry to spend the very little child free I’d get looking for a new partner and sex would feel far less important and wouldn’t bother me so much.

Are you happy? If so then of course you’re not wasting your life.

I don’t know thats the thing, I mean if I was child free would I choose to spend 28-37 completely celibate? No definitely not, it’s just life got in the way and now people have me questioning it

Celibacy is not a waste of life, unless you're sitting around lamenting about it while doing nothing to get laid.

Now your time is freeing up you can set about changing it, but only if that's what you want.

I think this is more common than people think, there seems to be an increasing number of women who are 'celebate' through choice or after a relationship has ended for various reasons. It can be pretty difficult to meet a suitable partner.

I think they were being insensitive also rude calling you 'crazy'. Totally up to you but I think there is nothing wrong and it's normal to be/become celebate.

The people sound really weird and rude. Disregard their opinions.
People can enjoy the bliss of being single and still have sex. There's any number of men on the hunt for sex on literally any website or app unfortunately.

I am also a single parent - partner, rupture, full time single parent, then boom they're 18 and 20 and have moved out and I'm all alone and it turns out I've been celibate for 21 years. sometimes now I feel sad that I have missed out particulalry as menopause has dampened my desire and I have lost my chance to have all the fun I would have liked in this one good life alloted to me. my confidence dropped and I was focussed on my kids and then suddenly here I am. You're not weird. but check you haven't got into a habit and t's not about lsck of confidence or in the comfort zone - and if it might be, maybe take a foray to check celibacy is really what you really want?

and to add - I don't regret the singleness - I'm glad I gave my kids all my attention - and being with their father wasn't a real option - but I wish I'd found a way for sex.

I think this is a good point.

I was a single parent for around 10 years. I wasn't celibate though. I dated a bit here and there, but always considered myself single. Not so I could sleep with multpile men but because I didn't want a commitment to anyone other than my children and they were my only priority.

I certainly didn't feel I was wasting my life (and still dont feel that i did). I worked full time, had friends and hobbies, went on holidays, went to festivals and gigs. I just didn't do those things with a man in tow!

When my my youngest was an older teenager, I started seeing someone I'd met through one of my hobbies.

For me it’s not about dating or sex - it’s about ensuring YOU have a life that isn’t always just not your kids. Of course you have demands as a single mum but should also ensure you have interests/hobbies/friends etc outside of them.
If you do and you’re happy then who cares what others think.

There is no right or wrong here but it's certainly not "wasting your life" to not be in a relationship.
Some people can be odd about others who are single and seem to find it hard to understand that single people can still be happy & content.

It really only matters how YOU feel about it.

And you can change your situation when you are ready to if it becomes important to you.
But you are definitely not "wasting your life" and it's ridiculous that people would say that about a person who is raising children!

A friend of mine was the same as you. Her young adult dc nudged her to get onto a dating site and she’s now been happily married for over 10 years.

If you're content as you are and aren't missing sex particularly, then it's not a problem.

I think it can be far more of a waste of time and energy to spend your emotional energy on blokes and the ups and downs of dating. It can be a lot of drama and misery and you have the dc to think about.

If you were unhappy then sure, consider dating. But if you're fine as you are, why bother?

Interesting post OP. I’m older than you but in a similar position. When my DCs were around 11 and 14 I felt ready to meet someone but then DD had a 4 year period of severe mental health problems and caring for her took up everything I had. Dating wasn’t even on my radar.

Similarly to @illthoughtout my DCs are 16 and 19 and I am needed increasingly less at home. I have always kept up good friendships, gym, doing interesting stuff at weekends been busy with work but this period of feeling almost redundant is quite unsettling (though can also feel freeing!)

I have done a bit of online dating over the years so I am no stranger to it but now I am putting the effort in properly.

I have mixed feelings about being single v in a couple.

Being single all of these years has made me into the independent person I am now. It’s incredibly freeing. I am able to make decisions and do stuff that my friends rely on their DHs for and I have grown to relish my own space and time.

I don’t miss sex - I think @Jellybunny98 nailed it for me - if I was with someone and we didn’t have sex I would miss it but being single - I don’t miss sex for the sake of having sex! I do miss having someone to do stuff with - weekends away, doing new things and just someone for whom you are their priority and them yours. That feeling of care and feeling loved. But I would only give up what I have for a relationship that enhances my life. I don’t want any drama or a manchild!

A cautionary tale to the OP as I am 15 years ahead of you.. 1) I worry I have become ‘too’ independent and set in my ways now and 2) There are loads of gorgeous women on dating sites at my age who have really looked after themselves. The men? It’s slim pickings so don’t leave it too long if you decide you do want to meet someone 😂

Thats not possible for me having the kids full time and no help with childcare thats one of the reasons why I haven’t dated!

I think it’s more the sex than relationships that they thought I was wasting my life. Some people don’t understand that not everyone gets free time from their kids. They said to get a “fwb” I said my kids are always at home that is not possible.

Fwb tends to be difficult to do well.

If you are good at compartmentalising sex from emotions, half the time the bloke hates that and actively tries to get you emotionally hooked. 🙄

Who are these people telling you what you should want?!