Trigger warning - domestic abuse
Yesterday myself, my (now ex) partner, his son and my daughter returned from our first (and last) holiday as a family. We’d just moved into a new house together and were all so happy and excited for the future, talking about getting married and ex eventually adopting my daughter as his own.
For background, my daughter’s father was physically and mentally abusive as well as an alcoholic and we split during the first trimester, he has never and will never meet my daughter. I went through a lot following that relationship, it changed me as a person and left me navigating PTSD as a lone parent.
When I met my (now ex) partner and we started our relationship, he seemed like such a wonderful person. No red flags whatsoever, very loving and supportive and helpful. A few months ago after a death of a very close relative, he became depressed and began drinking more than usual. I was as patient and supportive as possible, but had to pull him up on the amount he was drinking several times.
We were all looking forward to our holiday, his son especially as it was his first time abroad. It started out amazing but quickly became marred by ex’s drinking. The last full day and night of our holiday, he had drank excessively and calls to stop earlier on fell on deaf ears. The last time that night I asked him to stop so that we could get back to the room to settle the kids to bed, something switched in him. He turned into someone I didn’t recognise, clenching his teeth at me and calling me names. Long story short, he then physically assaulted me, twice, very publicly. His poor son witnessed the abuse and was terrified, but a small blessing is that my daughter was asleep.
The journey home the next afternoon was awful. He cried and cried and tried to be as helpful as possible in the airport. Apologising over and over.
The fallout has been immense. Our life together is over. The kids and I travelled home together without him. I have removed all of his belongings from the house today, there is no trace that he was ever here. His son has gone home to his mum. Ex has begged and pleaded for forgiveness and another chance, bombarded me with texts full of remorse and promises to change. I have now blocked and removed his number and social media. My daughter has cried her little heart out. She has lost the man she considered her dad, and the boy she loved as a brother. It’s not fair.
I am barely holding it together.
Now my daughter is asleep and I am alone for the first time in a long time.
The house is so quiet. My bed feels so empty. I dare not let my emotions out to the surface for fear I won’t be able to cope. I feel sick. How on earth do I navigate this anger, sadness, anxiety, confusion and grief. It feels like someone has died. I suppose the illusion of the man I thought he was has died. I don’t think I could ever fully trust again. I know my daughter and I will get through this, but right now I feel like I’m drowning.