How can I possibly get through this *[Content warning: concerns domestic abuse]

[TattedBarley]

Trigger warning - domestic abuse

Yesterday myself, my (now ex) partner, his son and my daughter returned from our first (and last) holiday as a family. We’d just moved into a new house together and were all so happy and excited for the future, talking about getting married and ex eventually adopting my daughter as his own.

For background, my daughter’s father was physically and mentally abusive as well as an alcoholic and we split during the first trimester, he has never and will never meet my daughter. I went through a lot following that relationship, it changed me as a person and left me navigating PTSD as a lone parent.
When I met my (now ex) partner and we started our relationship, he seemed like such a wonderful person. No red flags whatsoever, very loving and supportive and helpful. A few months ago after a death of a very close relative, he became depressed and began drinking more than usual. I was as patient and supportive as possible, but had to pull him up on the amount he was drinking several times.
We were all looking forward to our holiday, his son especially as it was his first time abroad. It started out amazing but quickly became marred by ex’s drinking. The last full day and night of our holiday, he had drank excessively and calls to stop earlier on fell on deaf ears. The last time that night I asked him to stop so that we could get back to the room to settle the kids to bed, something switched in him. He turned into someone I didn’t recognise, clenching his teeth at me and calling me names. Long story short, he then physically assaulted me, twice, very publicly. His poor son witnessed the abuse and was terrified, but a small blessing is that my daughter was asleep.
The journey home the next afternoon was awful. He cried and cried and tried to be as helpful as possible in the airport. Apologising over and over.
The fallout has been immense. Our life together is over. The kids and I travelled home together without him. I have removed all of his belongings from the house today, there is no trace that he was ever here. His son has gone home to his mum. Ex has begged and pleaded for forgiveness and another chance, bombarded me with texts full of remorse and promises to change. I have now blocked and removed his number and social media. My daughter has cried her little heart out. She has lost the man she considered her dad, and the boy she loved as a brother. It’s not fair.

I am barely holding it together.

Now my daughter is asleep and I am alone for the first time in a long time.
The house is so quiet. My bed feels so empty. I dare not let my emotions out to the surface for fear I won’t be able to cope. I feel sick. How on earth do I navigate this anger, sadness, anxiety, confusion and grief. It feels like someone has died. I suppose the illusion of the man I thought he was has died. I don’t think I could ever fully trust again. I know my daughter and I will get through this, but right now I feel like I’m drowning.

i’m so, so sorry

No advice, just a handhold until someone wiser comes along x

Oh love, I'm sorry so sorry💕

how old are the kids??

you WILL get through this. Your daughter will get through this.

id be telling her teacher/school in case she's upset or acting out jn any way. Do the kuds go to the same school??

Do you think you could talk to his Ex (the boys mum) & see if he was like this with her?

i would report it to the police.

be strong, you can do this x.

Oh how awful and what a nightmare for you. Do stay strong and keep away from this man. You do not want to be having to deal with another alcoholic and the chaos and pain they bring to your life Barley.

His son must be devastated. However, you must put your own safety and wellbeing and that of your daughter first, right now.

please just put one foot in front of the other for now. Get some rest tonight because all this must be a sickening shock to you.

keep yourself safe as well as I’m guessing he will try to make you feel guilty and sorry for him soon.

The death of his close relative is no reason or excuse for him.to frighten you and the children. His own child was frightened!
If he knew drink did this to him (...hmm) then he wouldn't drink. You wouldn't, would you?
It is right, and courageous of you to end it right away.
Of course you are devastated - he is not what you thought, but you are right.
Hold fast.
Think of your daughter.
Grieve for what it isn't, and take one morning at a time.
You've got this. You and your daughters are warriors who know their worth. What a great mum you are.

Like others have said, I am so sorry your life has come crashing down so suddenly, please stay safe, you and your daughter will get over this.

I want to say, will this man get help? If he did, could you ever envisage resuming life with him in time?

First of all, well done for your decision not to take him back; it’s incredibly difficult to rip the plaster off when it has such a profound impact on your life, and it must have taken enormous strength not to accept his apology. It’s awful, but this is a grieving process you have to get through, and you will get there. Start by filling up the physical space that he previously occupied: fill the house with you and your daughter.

Do you have friends and family to support you? Maybe speak to Women’s Aid or one of the other domestic abuse charities- they can offer emotional and practical support. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

I can well imagine this does feel like a death, because it is really, the end of your hopes and dreams for the future and you are mourning this loss. I’m so sorry you and especially your SSon witnessed this dreadful display by a man you both loved. No doubt yr ex partner is monumentally sorry, the reality and realisation has finally hit. The consequences will be something he probably couldn’t have imagined. The demon drink aye, but his demon to deal with if he chooses.

But, you’ve got to do what’s right for you and your daughter, given time this sadness and regret will fade, hard to believe atm, but you write as a strong woman, I’ve a strong feeling you will find a way through this sadness and find happiness again. Good luck.

OP
You have weathered greater storms. Think about everything you have been through, and how it forged you into a stronger person.
Don’t forget that you are now tough as nails.
This guy has shown who he was, and you ejected him from your life immediately. Only a really strong person could have done that. Yes, your daughter will be sad, but you have also shown her where your bar is. That is a core lesson you have taught your daughter.

Sorting out the house is just pain in the ass admin, but you can do that. Of course you can.

As for the future, you don’t have to trust anyone, you just have to trust that you can do the right thing if the red flags appear, and you know you can do that.
Stand strong and don’t forget your strength- you’ve proved it again and again.
💐

Oh love, I’m so sorry. What an unbelievable betrayal, of you and both of your joint children. What kind of arsehole puts all of the people he loves the most through this shit, especially knowing everything you’d been through before?

You will come out the other side of this, though, and you will find your feet and be happy again. Which is something people often say to support a woman in a terrible situation, and which can often be construed as trite and meaningless - but in your case I honestly believe it.

There are dozens of threads on here daily of women being mistreated and disrespected and much, much worse - and they’re here questioning their own judgement, defending their partner’s behaviour, taking weeks and months and hundreds of pages of advice to act even half as decisively as you’ve done within hours of this happening.

You’ve literally turned your back and purged him from your life (as you absolutely should have done), which means you're under no illusions about your value as a person, your boundaries, the basic requirements of your relationships, and the self-worth and standards you’re modelling for your child. I want to hug and high five you, because I know all of that doesn’t come easy, which is partly why you’re feeling so sad and empty now. But it was the right thing to do, for you and your daughter, and that kind of strength and resilience is hard won.

You’re going to be fine. It’ll take a while, but you will be. And he’ll never get over what he’s lost, but more fool him to underestimate and undervalue the woman and the life he had. At least the mask has slipped in time for you to see him for what he truly is, an abusive drunk arsehole.

He is a weak man who leans on the crutch of alcohol, and he has the capacity to become physically and verbally violent with a woman. If you'd let him stay, he WOULD 100% have done it again sometime down the line.

You absolutely did the right thing, brava to you for your decisiveness and resoluteness.

He will very likely try to wiggle himself back in by turning up at your door, parked car, work, where you shop, begging and pleading. Be prepared to call/go to the police immediately.

He might also threaten self harm. In that case, call 999. You are not a professional who can help him. If he means it, he will get help. If he doesn't, all the attention from the cops/medics will render him unwilling to use this approach to manipulate you again.

In terms of the horrible feelings rolling inside you now, perhaps therapy would help to navigate through them, and other feelings and memories from your first ex.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

Have you reported the assaults to the police?

Oh my love, I’m beyond sorry to hear this has happened to you….so much respect to you for being so decisive in ending things…how fucking DARE he treat you and the children like this….youre brave and strong with the action you’ve taken….for now….literally just one hour at a time and be kind to yourself x

You are so brave, well done for being so decisive.

I am so proud of you! You are so strong! You are doing exactly the right thing. Stay strong with your boundary and keep him out of your life and your daughters life forever.

I am sorry that you have to deal with this, but you are doing everything right to protect yourself and your daughter. Don't believe a word of his grovelling, it's all lies and you know it.

Nooooooo! Dreadful idea. Please don't consider this, OP.

You are stronger than you think. You have already come out of one traumatic relationship. Your more recent ex is more of the same but you took swift decisive action. Grieve for the life you thought you were going to have, and rebuild. And please do not entertain any notion of restarting the relationship. The pain you feel now will be nothing compared to what would happen a few years time. Be strong for your daughter. And be careful of him. I think you need to steer clear of relationships for a long time.

Morning everyone. Thank you so much for your kind words and support.
I struggled to rest last night, until my daughter climbed into my bed early hours and I finally slept for a while. I don’t feel rested, there’s a heaviness in my chest and anxiety that this isn’t over. I hope he leaves us alone, but only time will tell and I can’t control that outside of what I’ve already done. There’s so much admin to do so I’ll be keeping myself busy.

As for taking him back, there’s no question. Absolutely not. He could do and say all the right things, get professional help and it still wouldn’t happen. The moment he laid hands on me the relationship was over, I couldn’t even look at him in the hours and day after. I couldn’t stomach to see his face ever again, I packed up his car with his things whilst he wasn’t here and left his car key behind the wheel so myself and my daughter wouldn’t have to see him. As much as her heart is broken and she is desperate to see him again, I cannot allow it.

I don’t know if I should report it. I’m in two minds. Whilst it may help another woman in the future via Claire’s Law, I had a horrific experience with the police when I reported my daughter’s biological father and it made the stress of the situation a lot worse. He stalked and harassed me during my pregnancy, and after reporting this and the abuse during the relationship, it took them 7 months to arrest him. He then wrote me an ‘apology’ letter, which was 3 lines of text including a ‘sorry I ever met you’ and that was enough for the police to wash their hands of it. I did a Claire’s Law which was finally granted towards the end of my pregnancy and he had done it before to several other women, but no charges had ever been brought to him. It is absolutely astounding how men can continually get away with these awful things.

I am actually already in therapy, but haven’t seen my therapist for a while due to being so busy with the house move and then holiday. I’m seeing her Monday and to be honest I’m dreading it. But I will get through it.

So very sorry OP, no advice just a hand hold. You are strong and very brave, you have proved this by your actions and have done absolutely the right thing to protect yourself and your daughter.
Please seek support from friends and family as you are probably in shock and at the moment need kind and understanding people around you. When you feel ready some counselling may help but for now take one day at a time. Ah, just seen you are already in therapy, l do hope that helps you navigate this awful situation.

You are so brave. Seriously well done for being so strong about this, you are doing the right thing for everyone, even though it is the hardest thing in the world right now. Love and respect to you ❤️‍🩹

You're a powerhouse and I love that. Yes, you will fall apart, you will struggle...but you know that's temporary and you'll get better.

"If you're going through hell...keep going."

Xx

Agreed.

Sending you strength to hold firm and move on with your life.

X

I am sorry this has happened to you and you have taken appropriate action proportionate with what has happened.
Please though in the future, never offer your daughter up for adoption by a partner, there is honestly no need, it’s not your place to hand your daughter over anyone, it’s your job to keep her safe ( and you are doing this).
He has shown exactly who he is and his own child has seen it. He ruined the holiday for all of you. Have you done a Claire’s law in him when you got together?

You are absolutely awesome.
Don't for a single second believe anything otherwise.

You did the right thing and your Daughter will grow up to realise this too.
You are her hero, but you won't see it yet.

I hope other women going through years of abuse and feeling trapped read your thread and take strength.

You will get through this. 💐

Is the house a rental as you probably need to get around to the admin of that. Also if you can change the locks, you should do this too to keep you safe. It’s probably a good idea to let close family and friends know ehst has happened so they are around you and checking in to make sure you are safe. Sorry if my advice is practical but I am doing my risk assessment as survivor of domestic abuse. I am glad you are ignoring the begging and crying. The dream maybe over however you have put an end to the nightmare beginning.

What!!!!!! You can never trust a man who has assaulted you. Not ever. I should know.