New motherhood bringing back sad memories of abusive parenting (sorry, very long)

[AdelaideJo]

Hi there,

I wanted to ask if anyone has experience of, once they became a Mother, finding it difficult to reconcile a past abusive home life from when they were teenagers or children?
I am not a victim of sexual abuse or violence, but of mental and emotional cruelty from my mother and her partner, which I experienced in a very intense and traumatising way from ages 15 to 18. At 18 they threw me and my belongings out (quite literally).
I lived in an incredibly opressive, obsessive compulsive-driven home, where I was not permitted to have friends my mother and her boyfriend didn't approve of i.e. no one from the council estate behind our cul-de-sac (sorry Carolyn and Gabriel, for that day) (yes, pathetic isn't it). I had neither smoked nor taken drugs or had a serious sleeping-with-him boyfriend. But I was so severely restricted that I wasn't permitted to ever stay at friends houses for sleepovers as I "had a perfectly good bed upstairs" (him).
I was not allowed to express myself through the typically teenage way of dressing badly and was even once frogmarched back to a jeans shop after I purposely bought jeans 2 sizes too big (it was the Happy Mondays phase and I was 16). The house I lived in was clean to the point of, well, I'm sure you can imagine. But imagine being a girl going up to her room after doing the washing up, only to be called back downstairs by your Mother's boyfriend and being told to "wipe the drips out of the sink NOW". Or being given your book that you left on the coffee table because it was "cluttering the place up" (him).
My Mother had a very bad temper at this stage in her life and when we shouted, she stepped things up a gear by regularly hitting me over the head with her flat palm. When she wanted to get a point across to me she would jab me hard in the chest with her finger to emphasise the words. There were many times that I ran up the stairs to the bathroom after she lost it and became violent. When I was 17, I told her that if she hit me again I would hit her back and she replied that I wouldn't have anywhere to live in that case. This became true 1 month after my 18th birthday and I didn't speak to my Mother or her partner for 10 years to the month. She came back into my life when I experienced a difficult divorce and my Father went to tell her about it, and reconciled us (this was not my decision, but his).
I could go on but I need to get to the main point. Which is, when I was pregnant, I was delighted at the thought of my Mum becoming a grandmother. At the weekend, they were kind enough to offer to look after my DS so myself and my DP could get a full night's sleep. I could not sleep in that house. I spent most of the night reliving the horrible things that had occurred there. Because you see, nothing had changed. The tense, stifling atmosphere was exactly the same as it had always been except before my DS was born, I could live with it. Now I wonder how they could have behaved like that towards me. Is this because I am now a Mother myself? I made the fatal error of becoming angry on the Sunday morning and implying that I hadn't been able to relax because I kept remembering stuff. My Mother's response, as always, was to tell me that the "issues" were "my issues".
I accept that they are but I also accept that I will never get over what they did. How can I try to ensure a constructive (and most importantly, safe) relationship with them for the sake of them seeing her grandchild?
Any advice welcome.

Oh Adelaide, I have to hurry but I just wanted to answer you and hope I'll have time to return to this thread later.

I suffered other kinds of abuse, but yes, having your first child is a time when it all comes flooding back and it can be very hard to deal with. Hope others will be here soon.

I'm so sorry to hear of your terrible experiences. Do you think counselling might help you work through your difficult past and help you move on? I suffered from depression last year and found counselling to be enormously helpful in dealing with issues that had been with me since my childhood.

I don't know. The way they treated you was clearly wrong, and cruel, and incomprehensible, and you were damaged by it.

If they treated you like this in the first place then they must have such a low Emotional Quotient. They couldn't begin to understand the damage they've done.

Do you feel that you owe it to them to let them see your son regularly? Maybe it would be better if they just saw him about 4 times a year.

I am thinking of having some cognitive therapy myself at the moment, as I am finding it impossible to just brush off the way my x treated me and the way he sees nothing wrong in it. People say, let it go, let it go... and it is possible to want very badly to let things go, but to be unable to.

i think it is harder when the person is still in your life. eg, parent, father of children. Because you can not cut them off dead, like an old school friend or something. They're still there. Annoying you with what they are thinking!

As snowleopard had just said, there's nothing like becoming a parent for throwing up all sorts of things that you thought were buried forever. It's really important to address them and release yourself from your anguish, for the sake of your child.

hi. so sorry that youre having such a terrible time. I havent really got any advice as such only that i can sympathise with you as my partner also had a abusive upbringing. His mother would check his mouth to make sure he hadnt sneaked any food, lock him outside all day in the pouring rain, refuse to wash his clothes so that he got bullied at school for being smelly, i could go on. They were estranged for a few years also but now have a 'good' relationship although they have never spoken about her behaviour. I cant stand her as everytime i look at her i know what shes done.
Sorry to go on..i suppose im trying to say that hopefully it has made you a stronger person and you now will do anything to make sure that your baby has a happy childhood. Good luck

I know
I have had so much bloody counselling for this over the last 10 years, I'm really surprised its come back and affected me so badly this weekend (i'm a bit sleep deprived, my DS is only 3 months old!).

Incidentally, I think why i'm today at my wits end with it all is because my Mother is ignoring my attempt to speak with her today. I've sent 2 texts, which she normally repies to religiously (one was a pic of my DS) and what she is doing today is such classic behaviour on her part I wonder why i'm bothering, frankly. Its a very passive agressive way of conducting a relationship isn't it. I text to "clear the air" earlier (even though I shouldn't even have to!) and she ignores me. Baffled.

I had exactly the same experience.
I had terrible reaction , reliving my abuse , when my DD reached the age at which I think mine started ( about 2 or 3). Mine was sexual and emotional abuse by a trusted family member.

It was the very thing that finally prompted me to have conselling so in a way it was good. But so very hard to experience.
I do feel for you

I don't think you should worry about putting up with your horrible mother so she gets to see her grandchild. From what you say of the woman, she is still, at heart, a very nasty piece of work indeed. She is STILL treating you badly and you were frightened when you were at her house - why on earth would you want your baby to have any sort of relationship with her, much less one that involves frequent visits?

Sorry if I've got this wrong, but I'm wondering whether you are still vulnerable to being bullied by her and so not quite thinking straight. She doesn't have any right to see her grandchild unless that is what you want - and you think you can do it on terms that are not distressing for you or your baby.

Hi AdelaideJo. I haven't experienced anything as bad as what you've described but did have a difficult relationship with my father and ultimately cut all ties with him when I was 18.

I found it hard to put the issues behind me though and finally had CBT in my late twenties which helped me get over it. Interestingly, my counsellor believed that having my own family would help me move on and that has proved to be true.

My father has recently tried to reestablish contact and wants to meet my DSs. I'm a bit of a sucker for the possibility of a nice Hollywood ending where all my family mends its rifts - but I know the reality will be actually quite grim as he hasn't fundamentally changed. So I'm resisting his attempts as there is little to gain and a lot to lose.

You sound like you have a good heart and just want all to be well with your mother, but perhaps it will be better all round to let the relationship go. Perhaps speak to her to explain that you are limiting contact to protect yourself and your DS, and then it will be up to her to address what are clearly big problems she has if she wants the relationship to be salvaged.

From what you write I can only say that she is still bullying you.

How did you feel during the 10 years that you had no contact with her/them?

I personally believe that my children are far better off without my parents' negative/controlling/manipulative behaviour in their lives.
My children are happy healthly children, and they only (said with a sarcastic voice) have one set of grandparents.

Children do not need grandparents in their lives. It is a great bonus when they have loving grandparents in their lives, but it is not a necessity.
Children do however need their parent/s in this lives. They need happy parent/s not scared parent/s.

thanks to everyone who is replying to me, i'm getting a ton of perspective here.

I just want to say though, it wasn't that I was FRIGHTENED of her over the weekend (god, those days are long gone). It came about because I couldn't breathe properly..every time I made up formulas I could feel him watching me at the sink and his agitation as I worked in HIS area, making a mess and running taps etc. When we ate dinner I mentioned how quiet it was ( they never have background noise ie. t.v. or radio) and I asked Mum if I could put the telly on in the kitchen and he said "no leave it off, its better that its off" and it all just felt so bloody wrong somehow. I sat there with my giggly baby wondering how he would feel in years to come toddling around their kitchen in total deathly silence. Then when I went to bed in my old bedroom I remembered silly stuff, like him putting the vaccum cleaner on outside my bedroom at 8am or so on a Saturday morning to make me "stop oafing about in bed". God, sorry to go on, especially since so many ladies have suffered more extreme forms of abuse, it makes me feel a little pathetic I suppose.

yes, had reconciled to my parents for a while, had dd1 and found that I was furious.

I couldn't forgive them once I was a parent myself.

I think they sensed the change in me, I think I became more powerful and my dad took me out and apologised for the violence (unbelievably shocked that he did this). My mum was quite beastly and remained so until she died, when I had many hours of counselling. It does help.

Enjoy your ds - you'll find a way through it all.

it doesn't at all
we have to give our kids the best of us if we can. If you feel sad and stifled by your childhood it is hard to pass any joy on to your children.
it is a strange perspective really but ultimately a good one.
i just remember looking at my daughter and seeing how trusting and innocent she was and feeling that a) I would dearly wish to kill anyone who would frighten or hurt her and b) that I had somehow in the intervening years always believed there was something substantially wrong with me thatthese terrible things had happened to me.

You should look at your child and see through these fresh eyes of motherhood whether you would feel that your treatment, as a child, was right.
if not then please don't expose your child to any more of the same.
we of all people know how long lived that damage is

I think there is a toxic parent thread which might help too.

Thank you everyone, it really means a lot to me that so many of you have shared.

I have, MADLY, texted her twice today now (see? passive aggressive or WHAT) but she is ignoring me it would seem. I'm going to put it all to bed for tonight now.

x

Hi again.

I know what you mean about the years of therapy - I remember thinking it must have been all wasted when I felt so back to square one about my family, which really came on when I was pregnant. I remember actually seriously wishing I could move to another planet so that I would not have to deal with them or subject DS to them.

But, remember that the time around having a baby involves a lot of hormones and you are much more sensitive to your feelings than normal, as well as the fact that having a child brings all those feelings up. You do get stronger and feel more able to cope and more on top of things.

Your mum and her partner sound very, very difficult but remember you have every right to be who you are and to be the parent you want to be to your son. You are not actually under their control, it's just that your position now reminds you of a terrible time when you were.

I would try to stop expecting replies to texts and just treat them as a messaging service - you sent a message, the ball is in the other person's court. Then no reply cannot make you feel bad. Keep thinking about the mum you want to be and the fact that now, your "family" means, firstly, you, your DP and your DS and you are in charge of your lives, not your parents.

I really firmly believe that if you can deal with the past - and all the counselling you have had has helped, that's clear from your posts - being a survivor of childhood abuse can help you be a good, loving parent and give you great strength, because your memory of childhood is so vivid and you have a lot of empathy and sensitivity about what a child needs.

Now (my DS is 3) I am closer to my family again - not my dad from whom I'm estranged, but my mum and siblings - and I can make it work because I feel much more in control. I'm sure you can will to that point too. You don't need your mum to reply to your texts or validate you - you are the mum now, and she is secondary to your main relationships. Seeing it that way has helped me a lot.

You say you weren't frightened but that you couldn't breathe... and that you wondered about how your baby would feel toddling round in deathly silence.

I think your mother and her horrible partner are still controlling you when you are on their turf. And you need to stand back and look at this. You do NOT have to subject your baby to the same shit that was dumped on you.

It might be better not to go to their home and meet them in a place where you are comfortable.

I understand completely how you feel. Motherhood brings it all back and then some more. My mother left us when I was 13 but she was never there long before that. Now my son is at the age I was when I started being more and more aware of her absence. I won't go into details but all I can say is that she will not change. I've been to counselling over this and the best advice I was given was to imagine that she's ill and then all your expectations of her are lowered. I also keep visits to her very, very short and completely superficial. I NEVER sleep in her house. That was a vow I made to myself in 1995 and I have never broken it. Considering how weak-willed I am, that's quite an achievement !! My view is if I'm there for a brief visit then I can get the hell out of there before things really erupt. I try not to imagine her as a grandmother just some nutty relative we visit every now and again. I imagine the type of mum I would have liked to have had and that's what I try and be for my son. Good luck, you are not alone .

So so angry again today. I woke at ten to six still thinking and raging about them, which is just so unconstructive isn't it.

She still hasn't been in touch with me and I find myself imagining how we're going to resolve this obvious tension. Her "i hope you've calmed down now after your little outburst" is the most likely scenario. Today I'm so mad at my Dad for putting her back in my life 7 years ago - I did not have to put up with this incredible bullshit then.

Am thinking of having some kind of therapy for this as soon as possible this week. I can't afford intensive counselling sessions (plus its been done to death by me now) but I need a short term fix in order to get my life and emotions back to normal immediately.

AdelaideJo - I really have to wonder why you think your mother and her partner are capable of bringing anything useful to your DS' life.

Are you not living in false hope that, now that you have a DS, your family will "fall into place"?

Sorry if that is brutal... but I wouldn't, personally, hold out much hope for your and your DS' future relationship with your mother and stepfather.

If I were you, I'd ignore any calls/texts from her and I wouldn't go to see her. What benefit do you actually get from having this poisonous pair on your life? Ditch her and him.

Sorry you are feeling like this AdelaideJo.

I don't think you can blame your dad for this though, unless he lifted you up and carried you to where your mother was and somehow forced you to speak to her. You chose to do that.

Ignore her. Try to keep busy and focus on doing something nice with people who make you feel better. Don't contact her and try to let it all pass you by. She's the one missing out and one day she'll realise it.

Hi, sorry to labour this point but yet again I'm here posting about this situation which is causing me so much strife and mental anguish.
I eventually spoke to my Mother, we had a blazing row on the phone yesterday. To be fair, it was I who was doing the majority of the shouting, I think i even said "fuck" a few times!! It was truly infuriating. She said she was very dissapointed with the way I had an "outburst" on Sunday morning, as was her partner. I told her that I really couldn't bear to be around him for very long, that I found him to be a control freak and a complete weirdo to boot. She had absolutely no comprehension that when a person tells you they FEEL a certain way, it isn't a fact thats to be argued with ie. black V white. She just kept saying "but he's done so much for you etc etc etc". It was so so difficult. Kind of like communicating with someone who isn't the full ticket. She also said (when pushed to it) that as far as they are concerned, I was never a "victim" and even though I don't think they cared for me or treated me properly, in her words "you had a roof over your head and food on the table". Shocking really.
I have decided that I'm making my very last visit to that house in August, to a family event where people from very far away are visiting to see my new baby. After that, I won't be going back.
I also dont' want her partner to really see my DS anymore. He isn't dangerous, he isn't nasty. He is just an INCREDIBLY negative influence on my emotional well-being and I don't want my son to see me tense or angry over it ever. It feels like I'm now making a complete turnaround, for example, I sent her partner a Father's day card (as I do every year). I told her yesterday that I've only ever done that for HER benefit, because I think it will make her happy/me and her closer. But she said if it didn't come from the heart, don't do anything. So, coming from the heart, I don't really want anything to do with him.
I wonder how long it will be before I will be accused of causing ill-health or a breakdown of some kind.