28 years old and never dated, been in a relationship or kissed before

[Foreveralone192]

Hello there So I am a 28 year old man who has never dated or even kissed a woman before let alone have sex. Growing up I was always very introverted and never really had many friends but I feel like time is running out now for me to start a family, All my work collegues have partners/families or talk about stories of them dating women but as time goes on I feel like its getting even harder because what woman would want a man who has never even kissed a woman at 28?

I have a mortgage, im educated, 6ft, athletic and go to the gym 3-4 times a week, I dont do drugs, I dont drink, I dont gamble, I have a good paying job, I have knowledge in a wide range of subjects but I can never get any attention or matches on dating apps. I have no friends now because they all moved on and started families. Both my parents and brother passed away so no family, I also really want sex and I know it might sound bad but its the truth. Im also awkward and possibly autistic as I've never been diagnosed.

But as I get older I just think I'll never have my own family or get married, most women my age are taken or have kids.

You've said you're very introverted but you're not going to make new friends or meet new people if you don't put yourself out there.

Have you tried joining a hobby group or taking a class to learn a new skill? A class might be less pressure as there's not the assumption you're there to make friends, so it can perhaps happen more naturally.

I also noticed on meetup.com that there was a group for socially anxious people. You might want to seek out something like that.

Do you live in London?
My 25 yr old son went to a dating event recently where there was a fee to join which made people who went there a bit more invested and it was 80% women.
Have you tried those kind of live dating events?
I wouldn’t worry about being too old to begin dating, friends I’ve known in the past started late and ended up marrying.

If you think you're autistic, it might be a good idea to seek diagnosis. That way, you can get a handle on what might work for you best to help you socially and in relationships.

Do you have any female friends who could give you feedback on why you're not getting dates? If you don't have any female friends, why do you think that is?

Losing your parents and brother before you're 30 is a huge amount to come to terms with. Do you have any real life support?

Look at Meet.com and join in one of the discussion groups about something you are interested in eg politics, learning Spanish, clean eating or whatever. You will see someone who catches you eye and see if they fancy meeting up for a drink to continue the conversation in person- if they don’t, keep trying and you will find somebody who’s also looking to make friends and a connection. Lots of single women are using meet.com as a place to meet people these days.

You don’t need to declare your single state or inexperienced to anybody. Once you get a chance to establish a connection, all the things like kissing and taking things further easily fall into place. It’s often only thinking about them in advance that makes them more worrying. You sound like a catch I’m sure if you find the right ‘venue’ you’ll be snapped up really quickly.

Possibly the issue is that you don’t drink lol! I would never have had half the experiences with men I had if I’d been completely sober during my 20s as I was quite shy!. A bit of alcohol makes chatting the opposite sex in bars / clubs, etc then swapping numbers & arranging dates a lot easier! Also it helps to have at least one mate to be there with.

So basically I think you need to make at least one or two friends to actually socialise with - are there any groups/ classes at your gym where you can meet similar guys? It helps if they are a bit confident. Then try just going out in the evening with them to places where there will be single women & get chatting!

If you really don’t want to drink alcohol on nights out (and I fully get why you wouldn’t) then you may well need to practice chatting to strangers before going out in order to grow some confidence.

So make conversation with the barista or the next person in the queue if you get a coffee, chat to an old person at a bus stop, anything.

Try Tinder if you haven’t already (lots of friends I know have met on there) but remember online dating really is a numbers game especially for men.

Don’t talk to women with ‘marriage and kids’ running through your head although it may be the end goal- concentrate on enjoying yourself & gaining some experience. If you find you really do like a woman that you meet, be guided by her as to how fast you should take things.

Seriously though you’re only 28… it’s not as if you have a biological clock like us ladies do! You’ve got well over 20-30 years to settle down so it’s fine!

Lots of women would be interested in a man who has never had sex etc. I don't know why men seem sometimes to believe they need to be experienced when actually it's rare and lovely to find someone who hasn't had loads of girlfriends. It doesn't put us off.

I'd second the singles nights. I know someone who runs these events and she says the men are massively outnumbered every time. That could work really well for you.

I don’t think your situation is as rare as you think it is OP. People just don’t talk about it. I’m 40 and married with children now but in my mid 20s I was completely inexperienced. I’d say try to meet people online and eventually you will meet somebody who suits you. Maybe they will be equally inexperienced. But it’s a numbers game in my opinion so you have to get out there and try to meet people. You don’t have to tell them your life story straight away either, wait to see if you are compatible to reveal anything about yourself that you are not comfortable with. Good luck!

EDIT to add:
I just reread your post and see you said you don’t get matches online. Then I think you need to review your profile and look for advice online about how to present yourself well. Check you are not doing anything to turn women off such as putting up terrible pictures or writing unappealing things in your profile.

I would highly recommend keeping an eye on the Channel 4 website for applications for Virgin Island series 3.

The experience and therapy it provides seems to be life changing for participants.

Worth thinking about, for sure.

Apologies if this has already been suggested. Popping on in 10 minute coffee break so not time to RTFT.

You’ve posted before and it transpired that your predicament is due to the fact you’re a massive misogynist- working on your entitled mindset and avoiding manosphere content is probably your best bet if you don’t want women to run a mile.

I would say it’s unusual not to be able to arrange any dates at all online. Why do you think that is? Are you managing to chat to people? How many women have you started an online conversation with and what do you talk about with them? That’s the first hurdle so can you get some advice on that.

Oh dear

I should have checked before responding

This.
I agree you are a catch and I reckon there's a lucky girl out there just waiting for you to find each other.
Good luck. Hold your head up high and fake confidence until it comes naturally.
Our yourself out there with groups and social meet ups etc.

Full respect to you too losing your family like that so young.

Everyone on here wishes you all the very best.

Xx.

Do you work for channel 4?

Ive just read the synopsis of it. It’s sounds very exploitative. Utterly grim.

I mean your first post does seem a bit checklisty.

I think guys, and yes, in part due to the manosphere, these days have a tendency to focus on a weird checklist like “money, height, fit” etc… in reality these aren’t the things that attract people to one another. People like warmth, confidence but not arrogance, ability to laugh at oneself, kindness, people that bring joy with them rather than sucking it away.

You can’t quantify these things like education or income.

Women don’t care if you’ve kissed anyone before or not. They might care if the reason behind it says something about your personality though. Eg, that you aren’t nice in some way.

We might like worldly, knowledgable men, some women have that preference. But the worry would be that they are the sort to talk down to people. No one likes a bore or a know it all. In the same way, we might prefer a blue collar sweetie who isn’t too bright but just brings so much to our lives in other ways. But then the risk there might be that he makes silly mistakes that jeopardise our finances or whatever other issues there could be with not being the sharpest tool in the box. There are downsides to being too sharp. And there are downsides to being a little…blunt. If you consider yourself “knowledgable” ask yourself how it might affect your personality or choices in a way that people might not like in a partner.

Secondly, you have to actually approach women. I feel men these days have lost that memo. Awful lot of “but what if she thinks xyz about me” boohooing from people who can’t take rejection. Using the me to movement as cover for the fact they are just massive wimps. Start talking to women. If they aren’t into it, leave them alone. It’s really that simple. But if you don’t ever strike up conversation with people then how is anything meant to progress?

Online dating clearly isn’t working for you so you’re probably going to have to be more proactive about it.

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex for its own sake, and there's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and a family. Yes, many women would be put off by a 28 year old man with no experience, but there's no need for you to admit it. Even with experience, not everyone is brilliant at kissing or sex. I would 'fake it until you make it' in this instance.

The same goes for being introverted. You will never make friends or meet a partner if you don't push yourself to ignore a certain amount of discomfort. I don't mean anything extreme, but if you're too shy to say hello or start a conversation with someone (just an example, I don't know if that is an issue for you), then you'll never change your current situation. Find out if your local are has some sort of online forum and join (ours does, and sometimes has meet ups for locals); develop an interest in something that attracts the sort of people you'd like to make friends with and join a class/group; try online dating. It's not easy and none of these things mean you'll meet the perfect person, but you may find it becomes easier to talk and socialise with people, and the less lonely you will be.

You don’t need to declare your single state or inexperienced to anybody. Once you get a chance to establish a connection, all the things like kissing and taking things further easily fall into place. It’s often only thinking about them in advance that makes them more worrying.

Nail on the head. Don't over-think it. Just try to make friends first and foremost with both men and women, via socialising, clubs, societies, classes etc - concentrate on "in person" events and work on your social skills. I know it's hard when you're shy/introverted, but the chances of meeting a life partner if you don;t "get out there" are very slim indeed. You need to establish meaningful "connections" with women before you get to the stage of worrying/obsessing about what you've not previously done. In a case like yours, it's got to be "friends first" and then see what develops. You quite simply don't have the personality nor experience to throw yourself out there expecting to find someone to kiss/shag quickly as that needs confidence which you don't have. Take things slowly, build a network in real life, and your special person will come along.

Both me and DH were introverts and it was about three months before we even held hands, another month or two before we first kissed and over a year before we were first "Intimate" and probably 3 years before we had sex! We were friends, first and foremost, before we even got to hand holding stage.

There's no hurry, take your time, grow your confidence, learn to socialise/be friendly with people of both sexes first. You're really not going to find someone who wants to shag you on the first few "dates" if you don't have confidence. You have to ask yourself what's in it for them to chose you rather than anyone else, and if you come across as shy/introverted, no common interests, etc., they'll look elsewhere.

Yeah I remember this person. Please don't go anywhere near any women.

Well intentioned but not great advice. As a parent of an autistic child and more than likely autistic myself seeking a diagnosis will not really make a huge difference to your life. The wait times for assessment is years and for adults can be decade or more the system is broken. And when you do get a diagnosis you literally get a piece of a4 paper with your diagnosis on and a few links to explore. That’s literally it. If you google there are four tests that NHS do as part of the process, they are online you can take them they give an idea of the features you may have. I even investigated getting a private diagnosis but at 3-5k it is a lot. As an adult there are tons of online resources the neurospicy community created by sol smith and his book the autistics guide to self discovery (audio version excellent) I would recommend.

it’s difficult when you get yourself in a rut but as Einstein said madness is repeating the same process and expecting different results. Your current life is not giving you the results you need in finding a partner so change it up! Involve yourself in a hobby where you can communicate with others in person or online, try different dating apps, I found some great and others awful, don’t change who you are but are there little tweaks that you could do that might help.

really hope you find someone out there! I am a big believer in there is someone for everyone!

Please don't inflict yourself upon a woman and most definetly a child.

Perhaps join one of these dating apps. You don’t need to say you’ve never had sex etc.

Just put up about your personality. Some women don’t mind that someone has never had sex, but no need to put it on your profile. .

Just try and get to know anyone who’s interested.

Came here to say this, this poster has posted more or less the same thing multiple times now, I'm not sure why he thinks he'll get different responses this time round.

Thankfully I met my husband at 18 and he is my first and only ever proper relationship. I've always said Thank God I did because I work in a HEAVILY female dominated industry, don't really have 'close' friends (just friends I see occasionally for catch ups) and I haven't drank since I was 19, hate nights out etc. I'm very aware that if I hadn't met him when I did, I'd probably be in exactly the same situation with no clue what to do about it. I wouldn't even be brave enough to try dating apps (one too many serial killer documentaries oops).

I know lots of people around my age that still haven't settled down or have but haven't started a family yet, and I am 33. You also have much longer to be able to do this realistically as men are fertile to a much older age than women.

There's lots of decent advice on here though, don't give up!

My husband recently got an NHS autism assessment in about 3 months. Insane as it's 4 years' wait for children here.

The reason is that the NHS don't have enough capacity to do adult assessments, so they are done by private providers, I think through Right To Choose.

I would recommend seeking an assessment.