When a colleague only wants to get a leg over

[TheCyanJoker]

Just posting to vent as I'm sad about a situation with a male colleague. I'm F, married, him M, has a partner. We worked on a joint project and got into the habit of messaging each other. I supported him for project lead and he got it. We texted a bit of banter, a bit of work stuff, a bit about our kids but mostly humourous things about our workplace. We had two walks around the business campus at lunchtime and an ice cream and that was it over the course of five months. Nothing flirty, just friendly, next thing is last weekend the drunken "I have feelings for you x" text from him. So, so gutted. I told him not to be daft, we're just friends. Now he's " hurt and angry at his behavior and letting.me and his partner down" and essentially doesn't want to talk to me at the moment outside of work things. Honestly fucking men. I really thought this one was different and I'm gutted cos I miss the banter and just feel so damn used.

She’s married
he’s partnered up
she gave him no indication of anything other than a friendly colleague thing
now he’s being weird
so in short, she’s done nothing wrong but now has to work with a difficult colleague.

Yeah, because that's what we're all like right???

You should read up on Gold digging whores - you might learn something.

(I've just made the exact same absurd generalisation)

I'm married, happily for almost 20 years - if I developed feelings for someone else I would tell the other person - not because I'd expect her to throw herself at me but because I'd want her to know. I wouldn't do anything I'd just want her to know.

Yeah the reacting badly because he didn't get the reaction he wanted is the shitty part I'll give you that.

What’s the point in telling someone unless you are putting out feelers?

@NEGUY82 you've been happily married for 20 years but you would tell someone else you had developed feelings for them with no intention of doing anything about it? Why? How does your wife feel when you do this?

I'd just want them to know....

You're right when you look for a logical reason there isn't one, but i'd just want them to know - I've never actually being in the situation so maybe I wouldn't if it actually came to it.

It's never happened.

Perhaps you think there's something noble in letting people know how you feel. To be honest it only messes things up. I would have preferred him to keep any feelings to himself and manage them, it's probably just a passing crush or whatever. By saying this he has put himself out there for reciprocation in one form or another. He's regretting it now though. I've decided to be my usual cheery upbeat person around him and will be a gracious and exemplary colleague (but not friend). I did nothing wrong. If he can't handle it it's his problem.

It's entirely possible I'm being a bit naïve, I met my wife when I was 19 she's the only relationship I've ever had.

Sorry he behaved the way he did after though, that bit defo makes him a knob.

Well if it does and you get an inkling you might start to develop feelings for someone either a) withdrawing from that situation as the feelings will most likely pass or b) examining your own relationship and talking to your wife might be a better solution than than making declarations to some poor woman who is only trying to be a good colleague or friend and doesn’t need to be drawn into your marriage.

Sorry if that’s sounds harsh but the op hasn’t asked for any of this I don’t see why you think it’s ok for a colleague to act in this way.

You love your wife but actually you’d like more sex. She doesn’t want it as much as you do recently. Finances are okay, but you’d love to go to Australia but can’t really afford it. If your wife went for that promotion you could though. And for goodness sake if you hear the theme tune for Love Island again you’ll get a bit annoyed. PING! TEXT! ‘Hey NEGUY82, it’s me, No Commenting ❤️. Just wanted to let you know I find you really attractive, the way your forearms looked today when you rolled up your sleeves was v distracting! I now have feelings for you 😳.’ Now what are you going to do? Has my text distracted you too? Your wife isn’t putting out is she? Hmm.

OR is it really inappropriate and you’re bloody angry at the disruption?

Was there any need for that text?

Because what matters is what YOU want. Right.

@NEGUY82 "I wouldn't do anything I'd just want her to know."

Yeah, or you could just manage your feelings (dick) like a grown up.

@NEGUY82 I’m afraid you’ve underestimated the amount of disruption that kind of behaviour causes, and how often it happens. Many men are effectively predatory in the workplace. It’s why we have so many company policies around it.
When you are busy doing your best at work and suddenly have to factor in some bloke who’s decided to announce his feelings, and is now being a dick because you turned him down, it gets old really fast.
And for many women, it doesn’t only happen once.

I'm married, happily for almost 20 years - if I developed feelings for someone else I would tell the other person - not because I'd expect her to throw herself at me but because I'd want her to know. I wouldn't do anything I'd just want her to know.

But why tell someone about it if you claim you don’t want anything to come of it?

I call bullshit - of course you’d be hoping something would happen, otherwise you’ve just thrown a hand grenade into your friendship for no reason.

I’m sorry OP, it’s shit. This happened to me before, in my late 20’s I had a big grouo of friends male and female - I used to think men and women could be friends and it was the same, we used to all socialise together.

Then my long term boyfriend and I broke up, and without fail every one of my so-called male friends ended up drunkenly hitting on me. One of them even told me he’d had feelings for me for a while, like he was biding his time or something.

It’s not like I was some mega stunner, just friendly and outgoing. And several of them were in relationships themselves - it’s like they thought now that I was single I’d be an easy score or something, very depressing.

Now my only male friends are gay.

"if I developed feelings for someone else I would tell the other person - not because I'd expect her to throw herself at me but because I'd want her to know. I wouldn't do anything I'd just want her to know."

That's selfish and completely self-centred. Why on EARTH would you impose your unwanted feelings on a poor woman like that? Now she has to manage your feelings and endure the awkwardness of having to reject you AND worry that you're going to make things difficult for her. JFC

Btw, you DO realise, don't you, that women get stalked and attacked and KILLED by fucking delusional men with "feelings". And it is extremely common - 1 in 20 women in the UK were stalked last year.

NO woman is interested in hearing about some bloke's unrequited feelings, the only feelings elicited by such infantile and self-absorbed behaviour are discomfort and resentment at best and deep anxiety and fear at worst.

Yes, I also had this. A male colleague with whom I was casually friendly invited me to his place for dinner on a Friday, telling me that he had invited four other colleagues, two of whom were friends of mine. I found out late Friday afternoon that the other four hadn't actually been invited or knew anything about this dinner, so I didn't go. I half thought I had misheard or got the day wrong. But I also half wondered whether he was trying to ambush me into a romantic candlelit dinner à deux, which I was absolutely not interested in, nor had I ever given him any idea that I would welcome this.

Sure enough, come Monday morning, he stormed angrily into my office saying that he had gone to all that effort to cook a really nice meal for me, he had put together a playlist of songs that I would like etc. When I said that he had said he had invited other people but they knew nothing about the dinner, he shouted it didn't matter and then stormed out when I said that it mattered to me.

He was a big bloke too, and he was stood towering above me in my chair. It made me very tense and I avoided him like the plague for ages afterwards.

Men like this should be drop-kicked into the sea.

You are not a good man.

It's ridiculous to develop 'feelings' for your attached colleague when you've never flirted, never socialised outside of work, and merely had an ice-cream on office grounds once in 5 months.

What he means is he fancied you from.the start so began a sham friendship in the hope you'd leap joyously onto his penis as soon as he made his move completely out of the blue. And now he's got ouchy balls and he's taking it out on you.

The thing is you were easing into emotional affair territory with the “banter” and messages outside of work in your personal time. That’s how affairs in the workplace start tbh. A bit naive if you ask me. How did your husband feel about your walks with the your male colleague? How did he feel about the “banter” in your personal time?

I don't get why you're so upset, a guy you've been working with and had a friendly relationship made an idiot of himself in a phone call. He's apologised and retracted it and said he's let himself and his partner down.

Are you more upset that he said it was a mistake?

FWIW I've happily worked in mostly male environments, always treated with respect, never assumed the coffee making was me (was the marketing manager)!

I've had the occasional declaration of love on a night out, usually followed up by an apology on Monday morning .. if anything just made the friendships nicer, like a private joke if anything!

Sorry OP, I think it's naive to think you can have banter, regular messages and ice-cream with a male colleague and for it to be nothing else.

This happened to me many years ago, his 'revelation' was very out of the blue as far as I was concerned. He had even told his wife who was not best pleased. It then meant cutting off the friendship and I remember feeling pissed off that I'd kind of lost a good colleague and someone whose company I enjoyed because he had decided he had to tell me what was in his head/ imagination.

I'd divorce a man for this.

"I don't get why you're so upset, a guy you've been working with and had a friendly relationship made an idiot of himself in a phone call. He's apologised and retracted it and said he's let himself and his partner down.

She's upset that he didn't have the decency and self-control to not load his completely unwanted feelings on her and that he now lacks the professionalism to continue to behave respectfully and kindly to her. She's also upset that he sexualised what she thought was a pleasant platonic friendship.

"Are you more upset that he said it was a mistake?

So you're implying that actually OP WANTED this guy? WTF is this corkscrew logic! Did you even read the OP?

It's incredible how people can twist ANYTHING to try to make men's shitty unpleasant behaviour the woman's fault. It's internalised misogyny.

"FWIW I've happily worked in mostly male environments, always treated with respect, never assumed the coffee making was me (was the marketing manager)!
I've had the occasional declaration of love on a night out, usually followed up by an apology on Monday morning .. if anything just made the friendships nicer, like a private joke if anything!"

HE is the one who is now cold-shouldering OP. I suppose to your corkscrew logic, that too is somehow OP's fault.

Men should control themselves: them forcing their unrequited and unwanted feelings on women is not OK in any setting, but especially NOT at the workplace.