Husband emotionally unavailable

[SparkleFly]

Whenever I am sad or upset about something, my husband's response is to ignore me. Obviously if he asked if I was ok and talked it through with me, offered me a hug, it would help, but he doesn't. Last week was my birthday. For his birthday I had got him VIP tickets to an orchestra. I told him a month before so that he knew it was coming up, and he really enjoyed the night. I paid for our drinks and snacks. Then on the day itself I have him a goody bag of all the snacks and toiletries he likes from the kids. For me he gave me a £35 voucher for an afternoon tea. That was it. Nothing to open. Nothing else. He earns double what I earn. AIBU to be upset by this? I just feel like I don't matter.

The last 2 Christmases have been a similar story. The year before last I was on mat leave and my SMP was about to run out, but I had another 3 months of unpaid leave until I was earning again. I said to him before Christmas that year to remember that I was only on SMP and that I was about to be earning nothing for 3 months, so could we just do small presents. He said 'just get me a Ted Baker top'. They are £95! He made me feel like a tightarse and I felt really embarrassed so ended up spending £200 on gifts for him, then having to draw on my savings to get through the next 3 months. He got me a box of chocolates then said he'd pay for a new coat for me. I couldn't find one I liked so bought one off Vinted for £45, which he then took his time to give me £40 towards...

Last Christmas I spent about £150 on things that I knew he'd like. He got me a £20 perfume that I had asked for, and a box of chocolates. Nothing else, despite me dropping loads of hints. Then after Christmas did the 'i'll get you something in the sales' again and then eventually after I bought myself a new £60 raincoat said 'do you want the money for that?'.

It's not just the money. I do 95% of the admin at home. I handle all the banking, all the utilities, car MOT etc, all the kids stuff, I sort everyone's birthday and Christmas presents, the meal plans, the food shop, the cooking, the pet care. If it requires any thought, it's on my shoulders. My mental load is absolutely insane, while he will just ask what he can do and he'll wash up or hoover the house (if I ask). So by Christmas I have juggled all of this, all of the Christmas presents for both families, teacher presents etc etc. So all he had to do was buy for me. I don't think it's unreasonable to be hurt at the lack of effort, is it?

So now we have the zero effort birthday present and I'm upset so he's ignoring me. I honestly don't know how to get through to him. He just doesn't get it. A week and a half now. He hasn't even asked what's wrong, or if I'm ok.

He said 'just get me a Ted Baker top'. They are £95! He made me feel like a tightarse and I felt really embarrassed so ended up spending £200 on gifts for him, then having to draw on my savings to get through the next 3 months.

I think you need to dig in to “he made me feel” here, because nothing in what I’ve quoted above makes any sense whatsoever to me.

Are your finances not integrated within the marriage?

Sorry OP but you chose to spend money that you don't have, instead of saying clearly I can't afford that! You seem very fixated on how much he spends versus how much you spend, which in a long term relationship seems a bit petty. Presents are nice but the state of the relationship is more important. If you feel he's not supportive and caring, that's what you need to address. And the division of labour in your household - if you're both working, why on earth have you taken on all the chores?

I have asked this several times on MN before - but why do you ladies keep marrying / partnering up with men that are completely unable to meet your emotional needs? So many times I hear/read about a wife who is full of emotions, and the husbands are just as plain as a rock, with the emotional capabilities of a sun-dried jellyfish. I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, when someone is that way, and are not expressing any emotions, that is fine, a completely legitimate way of existing, but why on Earth would anyone with clear needs of affection and emotions partner up with someone like that? I don't know, for example, I can't stand smoking, the activity itself, the smell, anything about it, so I could never be a smoker's partner. Plain and simple.

On that note, if he was always like this - what is upsetting about it? Because, correct me if I am wrong, I highly doubt someone like that used to plan elaborate dates and personalised gifts for every occasion in the past. Have you communicated this need of yours to him before? That you'd need more affection? I know, something like that should go without saying for a couple who are long-standing, but there is a clear mismatch with your needs to begin with.

I am also slightly confused why there is such a huge focus on the cost of things. We talk about emotions, and how much money one person spends on the other cheapens the whole argument - ironically. I just had to point this out, because it's not just one mention, the whole post is full of how much this or that was..

If you are waiting for him to notice things on his own, that is going to stay a you-problem. You need healthy communication, and compare what both of you want from this relationship, and go on from there.

I don't get it. He wanted a £95 top but you felt embarrassed so spent £200? I don't think a £35 voucher for afternoon tea is a bad present. It sounds as if, if you want something, you need to spell it out. He's wonderful in other ways I'm sure ( which is why you married him) but has the imagination of a mop. Also values gifts a lot less than you do.
Do you have a joint account? Couldn't you buy a £45 coat out of the joint money? Do you pay for all "your" stuff (car MOT etc) only out of "your" money? Does it matter to him? Sounds as if it should be a bit more integrated if you're earning less.
Time for a conversation!

He has ignored you for a week and a half, did I read that right?!! He is not emotionally unavailable, he is mean and lazy.
Also why on earth don't you have shared finances if you had his baby, that is truly vile of him to make you live on a pittance while he is fine.

And why are you still with him given this is who he is?. . I hope you have not stayed until now at least for the sake of the children because you’re also showing them damaging lessons about relationships. The silent treatment he metes out is an example of emotional abuse. This is no relationship model to be showing them.

To clarify, we have a joint account for bills etc, but we also have our own money for personal things. I forgot to mention that he had just bought himself a £600 Lego set.

I just feel really ground down by the mental load particularly, having to constantly be thinking about everything all the time, and I'd just like to feel some appreciation. He's a bit of a technophobe when it comes to the internet and gets stressed just doing a bit of online banking, hence I take care of everything. It wasn't really noticeable until we had kids and now that I have less spare time and more laundry, cooking (he also can't cook and gets in a flap if I ask him to follow a simple recipe), kids admin etc, it's much more noticeable and once we have put the kids down in the evening, my 'free' time is spent doing all this life admin on my phone while we watches TV. So I really feel like I have no time for me (although I know that's common with young children), I'm holding everything together for everyone and I don't even get a decent birthday present?!

It sounds like I'm going to spell it out to him as to how to react when he can see I'm struggling. I never thought I'd have to tell my husband that if I look down, to ask me if I'm ok and give me a hug.

Op please look up "weaponised incompetence"

I’m confused. You start the thread saying he is emotionally unavailable and that this is your problem, then spend the vast majority of your post talking about the disparity in consumer goods and treats?

My husband, while good, has historically not made much effort for birthdays etc. One year, I matched his energy. No digs, not out of revenge but simply because I thought it was time I had similar boundaries to him. Nothing was said but he’s made MUCH more effort since.

If he gives you £20 perfume or a voucher, why on earth are you putting so much effort into his gifts? Is he not telling you that he places minimal importance on these occasions? He clearly can’t see that you’re modelling the effort you expect so match his energy! Free yourself from the mental and financial burden.

and go and buy yourself a £600 present, the more useless the better!

Why if you're married dont you put all money in one pot and have the same spends which you can put in your own account.

You're supposed to be a partnership

Sounds like the two of you need to communicate! Lots of signaling going on with gifts, looking 'down' and sullen silences. Just tell him how you feel. Find solutions. Divide chores. If he can't cook, surely be can atleast do the laundry.Match his energy on gifts/spending. Most of what you are listing is solvable - assuming there is love and care.

A voucher for £35 is an awful present. It’s afternoon tea for one person ( if that), that the op will need to arrange and pay towards? . He could have told her to book the afternoon off as he was taking her to afternoon tea. That’s a completely different vibe. And yes, he should have taken her and brought her a present too! Why is the bar so low? He sounds like a tight arse and it gives me the complete ick.

How long has he been like this for?

Fair enough! I guess my bar is low too :) I'd be thrilled with a voucher for afternoon tea. It wouldn't be £35 per head round here. (Might be £40 for two, I suppose. But then she'd be paying for her friend.)

My worst worry is op has to pay for her husband! The cheapest afternoon tea around here wouid be £45+ per head. My ex husband was an awful person on my birthdays ( well he generally was anyway). One year he brought me a blender, other years he didn’t bother. No cake, no going out, he would manufacture an argument on that particular day. New partner takes me out on birthday ( he will organise theatre and dinner) and ask me what I would like as a present ( I usually chose something around £30 as I know the day out costs a lot and is my main present).

Oh come off it. He’s a tight arse and you know it.

Since the gifts are a main source of friction, take it off the table. Make a new rule that from now on, no presents on birthdays and a restaurant meal will be the celebration. My husband and I a few years ago decided we would no longer get each other Christmas presents, but would go in together on a major item, like we needed a new dining room table so we each pitched in for that. An outing in Dec. or Jan, could also replace a Christmas present, like a weekend spent in a nearby town if you have relatives who can watch the kids.

If he doesn't know how to do laundry, tell him you'll be teaching him that because you're overloaded. Get the kids in on chores they are capable of doing. And request of your extended family that names be put in a hat and pulled out by each person in a sort of Christmas exchange, so that fewer gifts need to be bought. We did that years ago with my in-laws' family.

What does your husband do to show he cares? Does he offer to rub your back or if you ask, does he do a good job at it without shorting you? Does he take good care of you when you're sick? Does he pick up things at the store just for you, that he knows you like? Has he financially ensured your well-being if he passes before you do? Does he send you a lovey-dovey text when you're apart during the day?

You two are caught in a bad loop which isn't working. Time for change to see if there's any improvement. Good luck.

For Mother’s Day this year, I got a £2 Easter egg. Christmas for the past two years I’ve received nothing. The birth of our first child I I didn’t even get flowers but we got invited over for dinner at DC’s godparents and he insisted on buying her chocolates and flowers!

I genuinely do not understand how their minds work.

It seems to me that you could probably be more clear - for example, responding to the Ted Baker comment by saying, "no, I mean closer to £20 total per person". But that's just a possible way to mitigate the problem, not deal with the cause.

Does he have an idea of how unhappy/upset you are - over the everyday imbalance in how responsibilities are divided up, over how he acts like he doesn't have equal responsibility for the shared household and children and instead waits for you to dole out chores like you're the Head Housekeeper, over the gifts that seem thoughtless or inappropriate to you? If so, how does he react? Does he take it seriously, defend himself, offer a different point of view, have any practical suggestions, indicate whether he even wants to be in the marriage?

You ladies - this wording says a lot about you, btw.

@exhaustDAD because there majority of the male species are inadequate. It’s a “man problem” and not the other way around.

Looking for offence where none was meant is also rather telling. Do tell, what would be a less offensive word to use here? Where I address OP, a lady, who is part of a group of ladies who married men who are emotionally bankrupt?

I see. And yet there are women who marry these guys. Nobody forces them on gunpoint. Wouldn't the solution be to not marry men like that? This is why it's puzzling to me..

It is not our job to educate you on why this is patronising and inappropriate. Stop asking women to educate you and do the work yourself. Or just bore off. Us “ladies” would be fine with either