Having serious doubts after buying a house with my boyfriend

[Dalesrose]

Hi,

I have recently purchased a house with my boyfriend, the offer got accepted a couple of days ago so we still have a while before we move in. Since the offer has been accepted I have had major anxiety about the whole thing largely associated with my relationship. I had doubts before but now they are all I think about every day, every night and I can’t sleep. I’ve been up until 3am every night tossing and turning. I know I am a stressy person and this is my first big purchase and I do struggle with making big decisions (was looking at flats for 3 years and never bought one). My boyfriend and I are long distance and he hasn’t even seen the house, he is not home for another 3 weeks and I am just spiralling. I don’t know whether to pull out and break up with I feel like that will break my heart or whether my brain is playing overtime and just needs to chill out. Sorry I need some advice. I do love my boyfriend and he loves me but the long distance is really hard.

any advice welcome.

When you gut speaks, listen!
There’ll be other houses.

How long have you been together? Have you lived together before? If this is your first time living together (and presumably a new area for one of you?) I think it would be sensible to rent for a while first. It’s very easy to walk away from a house purchase at this point.

You haven’t bought a house. There’s no commitment until you exchange contracts. You shouldn’t mess your vendor around but you haven’t even had a survey done yet so you don’t have to worry about that today.

Are you unsure about the house itself? Its location? Or about your relationship? Or all three, or maybe something else?

Don't buy together. Ita too much commitment when you are in a long distance relationship.

How do you know you will like living together, if you hardly see each other now.

What are your current living arrangements? Can't you get a rental together to start with and see how that works out.

Do not buy the house.

Don't buy another one until you have lived together for at least a year. Living together can throw up certain incompatabilies that won't be noticed in LTR even if you spend holidays together.

Don’t buy a house with someone you have never lived with! Can you afford to buy it yourself? If not then pull out, either buy a smaller place just in your name or rent together first for a couple of years

If the offer had only just been accepted pull out now
it is madness to buy a house that your boyfriend has never seen and you’ve never lived together
your gut is telling you something and you need to listen

Having an offer accepted isn't buying a house - you can easily sack it off at this point with no financial loss.

Listen to your gut 1000%. Clearly something isn't right with either the house purchase or your relationship, or both. That's ok, at least you realised in time!!

And as others have said, it would be MADNESS to buy a home with somebody if you haven't actually lived together before. Rent somewhere for a bit as a minimum!!

Another one to recommend always always always renting together first for a good while! Staying at each other's places even for weeks at a time isn't the same.

It’s not the Victorian age.

You try before you buy these days and live in rented housing together first.

You can love someone but it doesn’t mean you can live with them.

So we’ve been together 5 years and have lived together (rented) for 3 years albeit it is long distance so he is only home when off from work. We live together well he just isn’t home enough for me as I do live alone a lot. I love the house it’s more the commitment with my partner that I am scared of. But I am scared of commitment … always have been.

Do not do it. It will be costly in many ways.

Walk away while you can.

Is your fear of commitment why you have chosen a partner who is rarely around?

Trust your gut! Dont go through with it.

Can't you buy it without him?

@Dalesrose will he continue to be living away most of the time in the purchased house? Are you happy with this arrangement? What do you see in the future with him? Marriage? Children?

Thank you all for your comments. It does not help me in terms of staying. There’s so many layers of every issue. I would feel so terrible pulling out for the sellers and my boyfriend and my boyfriend’s family. I think we’ll be okay. This isn’t the life I had planned for myself with him being a way all the time but not everything goes to plan.

Forget about the sellers, it’s early days.

You talk about things not going to plan, but if this relationship isn’t fulfilling, you are planning inevitable unhappiness. You don’t owe his family anything. Take some ownership of your life.

OK, your update changes things. If you’ve lived together well for three years then this might just be commitment wobbles. I know someone working away is really tough, but if the relationship is strong it can be a positive and make the times together really special. Sit on things for a couple of weeks and see how you feel. But please remember you are not committed u too you actually exchange- don’t do something that isn’t right for you out of fear of inconveniencing others.

So OP, you have a lot of self knowledge and inner resources. If you can access your centre….. acknowledge the panicking part and thank it for trying to keep you safe. Really do that internally. It is a much more effective way of calming it than you trying to push it away. Then find a clam, quiet place with plenty of time to Listen to its concerns. Reassure the panicked part that it is still possible to pull out, and you will listen, but see if it will give you enough space to find your centre, so that you can consider everything with some calm.

The key question here is whether you have a panicking part which always kicks in for any big decision to try to protect you from any mistake…. In which case you need to listen, understand, and reassure it before deciding whether/how to move forward. Or whether your panicking part is highlighting something that is deeply wrong about your boyfriend and relationship and the kind of relationship/commitment that is right for you right now, in which case I would strongly advise you to act on its warning and pull out of the house offer.

you haven’t told us anything objective about your boyfriend or relationship. How does he treat you? Do you feel free to express yourself and do everything and anything you want to? Does he encourage your growth? Does he control you in any way? Does he have a temper? Does he criticise or shout or hit you? Do you fight often? Do you feel respected and safe? Do you look forward to him coming back and are you sorry (or relieved) when he leaves again? Does he pull his weight financially? don’t get me wrong- he can appear to be the most perfect boyfriend in the world and you STILL can pull out because it doesn’t feel right or your instinct is warning you… but if the answer to any of these questions isn’t positive, then you should DEfINITELY pull out.

And then questions about what you want, regardless of him. Do you want to be committed to this area? Do you really love this house? Do you want to be in any long term relationship and live with someone right now? Have you protected yourself financially and legally in the purchase so you cannot lose your investment and can afford to move out/move on if you break up?

The important things I’d say now: 1. Try to find your calm centre - listen to the panic but don’t let it flood you, so you can consider your options. 2. Instincts are very powerful and it is important to listen to them. Unless you have a pattern of extreme, irrational panic through your life, this anxiety is probably telling you something important. 2. You CAN pull out and break up completely. Or you can pull out and stay together. It is ok to pull out, and it is FAR better for everybody to do so before the sale proceeds. It will be much more painful and difficult to reverse afterwards. It will cause more disruption and stress. It will take much longer. And it will cost lots of money too.

This is a really wise time to consider your options before you make your decision. The decision is not yet made and you are not yet tied in.

good luck!

You really need to pull yourself together (not sure how to word that more kindly), stop dithering and properly consider what is best for YOU. Not your boyfriend, not his family and not the sellers.

Buying a house is a big commitment and if things don't work out it's a lot of hassle to undo.

Put a pause on this. I think your doubts are coming from your gut - it's telling you this is the wrong thing to do and I would listen to it.

@financialcareerstuff thank you so much for your thoughtful comments and ways to reduce this stress. I know this is time sensitive and also majorly impactful to all. My boyfriend is lovely but financial I am much better off (I have an high paying corporate job) and will be paying for way more of the house deposit and mortgage wise but we have spoken through this legally. He is quite lazy and doesn’t have the same aspirations in life as me and with the long distance I then feel like I am compromising so much. All I ever wanted was someone to stand by me and love me and I feel like I have that but I am still not happy. He has been away for 6 months and he keeps saying I am home in 3 weeks it’ll be okay but then after a week at home it will still be 3 weeks on and 3 weeks off as he works away. I will destroy him if I pull out but can I live in unhappiness but what if I never find anyone. Now I am spiralling which is why I try not to talk about it.

The house is perfect, perfect area etc.

Do you need to buy the house "with him"? Could you not just buy it for you and then let him live there and see how it goes?

Pull the plug on this now

totally unfair to let someone enter this massive financial commitment and be tied to each other when your so unsure

This, and please imagine we are shouting this from the rooftops so that your boyfriend can hear it too.
Unless you’re not in England, you have not made any financial commitment simply by having another accepted so you can walk away.