Six years together and he still will not say he loves me

[2kids2cats80]

Just hoping someone actually reads this, I'm a bit bloody lost...I'm 46, divorced since 38 and have been in a relationship for 6 years. I'm fiercely independent due to losing everything and having to completely rebuild my life. Met my partner just over 6 years ago, similar situations but he's come out the other side much better off than myself. I had to rebuild a career, get back on the property ladder, the usual stuff when you've had 2 children and relied on a husband to keep the money coming in. I've done OK, have my own little place and am well on the way to a better financial future, although it's still extremely tight at the moment! We've always been clear that living together is not an option and marriage is definitely not on the cards, but after 6 years together he's still very reluctant to say those 3 little words, I always say it first and it's really getting me down now. I just messaged him with a screen shot of the very first text conversation we had just over 6 years ago with a follow up of "love you" he's read it and not replied!! I know he's out with a group of friends but is this a good enough reason to not reply?? I'm actually scared out of my mind that this could be another ending, meaning I'm alone...again. is it too much to ask to be told you're loved after a 6 year relationship? Are 50+ divorced blokes incapable of showing affection?

No. It's not unreasonable at all, especially after that amount of time.

I know there will be many on here who are very invested in the idea of love languages, but so often, this theory is used by women to justify why they don't feel loved in various ways. Quite often, the answer to a question as to why a man does or doesn't do something is obvious, but because women don't want to face a hurtful truth, they will go looking for answers everywhere else - everything from childhood traumas, to attachment styles or 'love languages', just to avoid considering that their man just isn't that into them.

There isn't enough information about your relationship included for us to help to decide if you scared though, but I do think it's wise to consider that he may not be romantically in love with you, but he's quite content nevertheless. I think men are far more likely to end up in relationships like that, basically a relationship of convenience where they coast along for years because their female partner is attractive & sweet enough, and makes their lives more comfortable & enjoyable.

However, it doesn't mean they actually love them on that kind of deeper level, for who they are and their personality. If that were the truth, and he seemed quite happy anyway, and you're happy with him, presumably you wouldn't be happy with this?

Yes, that is an ok reason in my view. It's not the best time to be replying to emotional or meaningful texts! Cut him some slack on that.

I thought you meant he never said it at all. If you always say it first, stop doing it for a while. See what happens.

Also, I do think you need to calm down as to why he hasn't replied yet. The broader picture is important here.

If he's out with a group of friends, I wouldn't be expecting him to reply yet. And I think actions matter much more than words. DH and I rarely say I love you but it's fine - we both know we love each other. More importantly, we show it in the way we care for each other and do little things like bringing the other a cup of tea in bed or buying a favourite treat for each other, or with a cuddle or a listening ear. Words are easy -
I've had friends who's partners profess love while treating them appallingly. I know which I'd rather have.

I almost never say I love you and I've been very happily married for 27yrs. Even when DH says it, I don't say it back every time. It's just not the way I express myself. I care for him and our family in so many ways, am an equal partner, demonstrate this care and equality in every aspect of our marriage and I'd like to think am a good, respectful and committed partner.

If your partner is the same, then the words aren't necessarily needed. If this is part of a wider problem where he doesn't show love and you don't feel loved, that's very different.

If I got a meaningful text like that while out with friends I would probably put off giving a response until I had had time to think about it? Not on the hoof.
As others have said, it's all about how he cares for you in general and, for me, definitely also whether he can say it with heart when it needs to be said. Even if that's only sparingly.

I suggest that being on your own and secure with who you are is better than being with someone you are unsecure who/where you are with after 6 years. A chat with him is needed

Hes not going to reply to lovey dovey stuff while out with mates so give him some slack on that one! However if ihes always like this, I’d feel down too. It’s been a long time 6 years, I can’t imagine never wanting to progress a relationship and just keeping separate lives as in living apart long term with no future plans too, do you think for this reason he doesn’t fully want to express his emotions because perhaps he doesn’t see it lasting forever, there is no real commitment and the fun has probably run its course.

Don't be scared of being single, you'd be part of the happiest sections of society!

A boyfriend is for enhancing your life. If he chooses not to, discard him. If he makes you feel unloved there's no point to him.

(Obviously I mean the entire relationship in general, not one text while he's out)

Why are you sending him screenshots from six years ago - especially while he’s out with his mates

Ooh, so interesting. I NC for this as it feels outing but I'm in such a similar relationship to you. I'm early 50s, fiercely independent and will never move in (in fact we rarely spend the night despite a great sex life as we go home after), we have been together 6 years too. Neither of us have said it but I feel it for him and more importantly I feel it back. Do you feel loved? I think words don't matter if someone treats you with respect and decency, is there for you when you need them, makes you their first port of call, makes you feel desired and like you are their person. I have heard the words without feeling that and I know what I prefer.

A good friend of mine has been with her partner for almost 30 years. He’s never said ‘I love you’ to her. He’s a bit odd, tbf, but she accepts that he’s just not the type to say it. She’s accepted it, although I know she’d love a bit of romance and validation.

My husband and I tell each other ‘I love you’ probably most days. We say it, we text it, we write it. It’s just the way we are. Our adult sons say it with ease and naturally.

I’d not want to be with someone stilted and undemonstrative. That doesn’t mean the alternative can’t work, it just wouldn’t be for me.

I just messaged him with a screen shot of the very first text conversation we had just over 6 years ago with a follow up of "love you" he's read it and not replied!! I know he's out with a group of friends

Why on earth would you do such a random thing at such an inappropriate time? You need to pick your moments better. If a man did that to me, I’d think he was being controlling and trying to insert himself into my time with my friends.

You will create the ending you don’t want if you become paranoid and obsessive. Some people aren’t into demonstrative language, but he’s clearly said it in response to you saying it. If it worries you, ask. Be straightforward. But if everything else is working, just accept him for who he is and enjoy what you have. As an aside, I’d not want to grow old in different homes, even if I waited until the children were grown up to move in together.

Actions speak louder than words.
If he acts as if he loves you, maybe he just isn't that good at verbalising it.
And surely if he is out with a group of mates, it wouldn't be the right time to start getting all lovey dovey anyway.

Honestly, this would be a turnoff to me.

You don't really sound fiercely independent, you sound a bit lost and insecure and clinging onto a relationship that isn't making you happy and meeting your needs for emotional connection. You're sending him old screenshots from years ago when he's out trying to have an enjoyable evening. It's intrusive.

Kindly, i think he isnt saying for a clear reason

Time to move on x

Yes… is this wine sadness??

Think about this in the cold light of day and don’t message when he’s out

Does he NEVER say it? Or just not tonight?

Why are you texting him that when you know he is out with friends?

I find that kind of weird, let him be out and socialise.

maybe he is not the type to say it much, does he show it?

I’d also not reply & be a little pissed off that you did that knowing I was out.

This is the important thing.
Is everthing else good in the relationship?
For what it’s worth my partner tells me he loves me often but hardly ever compliments me that he fancies me, or says I’m beautiful ect which gets me down. It could drive me mad however is actions prove he does find me attractive - always holding hands, sex and when we are out his hand firmly rests on my inner thigh. He’s looked after me after a very big illness too and advocated for me when I was too weak . I would say if you like, look for the “evidence” he loves you,

Does he show he loves you in his actions? I think that is what is really important. Some people struggle to say it, and I think as long as they can show it in other ways it really doesn’t have to be a big issue.

So he has said that he loves you? You sending him an emotionally charged text while he is out with his mates feels like a test.

“HeddaGarbled · Yesterday 22:58
I just messaged him with a screen shot of the very first text conversation we had just over 6 years ago with a follow up of "love you" he's read it and not replied!! I know he's out with a group of friends
Why on earth would you do such a random thing at such an inappropriate time? You need to pick your moments better. If a man did that to me, I’d think he was being controlling and trying to insert himself into my time with my friends.”

This with bells on.

I think it's either quite controlling or needy to send it when he's out with friends. I also think it's not necessary to say it all the time, we rarely do as we are secure and know that we are loved. Most people say ILY to hear it back or just out of habit so it means little. I work in a call centre, men often say it as they hang up, presumably out of habit, as it's not THAT kind of call centre.