How to cope living close to XDH and his new partner?

[Fangtastics]

My marriage of 20 years (together for 28 year) ended last July. I didn't want it to end but he did. I moved out (my choice because I didn't want to live alone in big house that was quite isolated) but I still live locally to him because of my work, I have family here that need me (elderly parents), all my friends are here etc. We live about a 3 minute drive from each other. He also has family here.

His new girlfriend has moved into the house I used to live in with him for the last 15 years; the house that I found for us, furnished, designed the garden etc - a house I poured my heart into.

I am in bits about this and find myself so stressed out about leaving my house because I might see them together. I find myself taking longer routes to avoid driving past the house, shopping at different supermarkets and stuff like that. The worst is if I'm taking the train into the city because I get really stressed that I'll see them at the platform. I haven't yet seen them together but its a matter of time just because of how close we live.

I don't want him back ever and tbh I'm almost ambivalent about the GF but it's going to hurt like a punch to the gut when it happens.

My question is how do I move on from this? Has anyone else had the same thing? How did you cope?

I suppose you focus on the fact that you chose to leave the house to him for perfectly valid reasons, and that living in it alone would have been very difficult, too, surrounded by reminders of your life together? And you let yourself be sad and angry, and acknowledge that it’s difficult, and that you will find it difficult when you first see them together. Therapy for somewhere safe to explore your feelings? It’s all still really new and sharp, too.@

When a long-standing relationship ends like yours, there is grief. Grieving the life you had/could have had going forward together, grieving the end of your routines, the everyday things, the things that gave you a sense of safety... That is normal. And I am sorry you have to go through something difficult like this, nobody plans for this in the early years of a relationship..

I am sure I will not be the only one that the key is to focus on yourself, to give yourself the necessary space and self-care. If it means a shoulder from friends, if you think you need a safe space in the form of therapy, hobbies, anything. It is up to you, what feels right and helpful to you.

What you need to do, is get to a point where you can have full closer regarding him, I am not sure if you share children, because that would mean that to some extent you will always be part of each others' lives. What will not do you any favours though is looking at his new life, pondering how he has a new girlfriend, how this new girlfriend moved in to the house you lived in. That doesn't matter, that is his and their life now, and you have your own.

I wish you good luck getting the closure you need, and all the self-care in the world.

I am so sorry you are going through this. How do you move on from it?
I’m afraid it’s the passage of time that will help you the most. It’s still early days for you.
The area is your territory too, your family, your friends, so maybe you need to move about confidently and reclaim your patch. Although I do see how blocking out seeing them helps your recovery.

I think you maybe need to focus on making your new home as lovely as can be. You need to somehow move the spotlight from focussing on them to focussing on you, so you leave them in the shadows. ( The spotlight idea comes from Belle Burden’s book Strangers which is a good read.)

Has anyone had the same thing?

I haven’t had quite the same thing. My ex did retain our former family home and moved his younger model in.

The funniest aspect was they took down some of the photos of the DC (when they were young) and replaced them with a huge canvas of a blown up photo of their two faces squishily pressed up against each other. Not a good look, given he was in his mid 50s at that point.

Some aspects were oddly triggering for example when I was collecting some stuff, seeing they had moved my grandmother’s antique chair so she could use it to drape her clothes over it! I just reclaimed the chair!!

How did you cope?

I coped by detaching from the house. Thinking a house is just bricks snd mortar and it was me and the DC that made it a warm loving home. I thought of it as a shell. I also somehow thought that I had the moral righteousness, as I was the one who’d been hurt and deceived so that they looked a bit shabby by comparison. However once I’d got my stuff out I did avoid the area so I understand why your instinct is to do that.

i also instinctively felt that eventually they’d move and then split up (which they did) as he was always seeking to escape from himself. I did genuinely think that anyone who had the misfortune to love him and fall for his manipulations will end up getting hurt, and felt a bit of pity for her.

Give it time. If you are sure you want to stay locally, then there will be firsts - seeing them together. In time - could be years - will get easier. That said, I moved away when happened to me as life is too short

One of the things that is going on is that you may feel as one does when a thief parades your former, stolen, goods in front of you. Try to remember that they took possession of a house you decorated and a garden you worked in and that now they will have to work hard to maintain it or watch it degrade and fall to disrepair . If she weeds she weeds your garden snd follows your plan. If she doesn’t redecorate she lives eith your taste.Would you want to live in someone else’s house and garden? Surrounded by someone else’s things?

Or amuse yourself with the fact that she may be experiencing living in your former marital home as being like the cowed second Mrs de Winter in Rebecca, continually haunted by the memory of you, aware that you chose all the decoration and furniture, and made the garden etc.

I mean, I'm joking, but it's probably not the case that it's psychologically entirely straightforward for her either. Not that you owe her any sympathy, but in case it's helpful to think of her as feeling, some of the time, as if she's living in someone else's house. I mean, if your marriage only ended last July, and she's already living with him in his formal marital home, that's all happened quite fast, and may not be a bed of roses...

Yeah, but she has to put up with all his shitty bad habits and knowing that the house was where you lived. Thats going to annoy her more. Yanbu, this is normal you’re greiving. Maybe in the future you can move away?

Luckily our kids are grown up and have pretty much left home so there's not much parenting to do any more. I think he timed it that way because looking back he started pulling away from me years ago.

Mine has also gone for the younger model - by a long way. She's welcome to him but, yes, knowing she's in my house (that I still own half of by the way, and the bills still come out of our joint account) is hard for me. I doubt she'll be dirtying her hands with the garden and the cleaners will clean it for her too. Poor lamb.

it's the geography of it that burns deep though. Time is moving so slowly in that respect.

You may find peace when you no longer own half the house and stop contributing to the bills, is that being dealt with.,

How soon will the house be sold/him buy you out?

Can she pay for half the bills whilst she’s living there? It’s seems crazy that you’re contributing to a house you’re not living in that isn’t housing any of your ad

So you were divorced last July and the house has not been dealt with as part of the financial settlement ? I think that may help you to move on as yes it is your house still

You really need to sort out your separation properly. I think this will make you feel better. Also if you don't want her living there you can specify that as you own half of it.

What are the plans for the house and finances as part of your divorce?

Divorce is all in hand. About to start proper negotiations.

I moved out, exH stayed and within a year his new partner moved in. It used to amuse me to think of her lying in what had been our bed, looking at the wallpaper I had chosen and the roman blinds I'd handmade. She made lots of changes over the next few years.

They've just split up and I feel kind of vindicated that it wasn't just me that found him unbearable to live with.

Like you, I hated the thought of accidentally bumping into him, but that diminished over time.

I would asking for him to buy me out now and she can take over the bills you are paying for a start! While you are still paying there is still a connection to the house over and above the emotional side.

I haven't experienced what you have, however, when I met my now husband he and his ex-girlfriend had split and he had kept the house (released capital for her share as she couldn't afford to stay in the family home but he could - 50/50 custody of kids so wanted some familiarity for them). I never ever felt comfortable in the house, it was hers! She decorated it, looked after it and lived there for years. It was incredibly awkward when she came over for any reason and I always felt I was inviting her into her own home even though I didn't live their either. My point is that the new girlfriend may not feel entirely comfortable with the set up either.

She's probably just as worried about seeing you for the first time! Do something every day that makes you feel good and hold your head high. Edited to add - in our situation ex took all furnishings so he had a shell of a house when I met him and he furnished himself. Wouldn't have been able o sleep in their old bed or anything like that 🤢

You need to take control, are you divorced now. You can force the sale of your house or he buts you out. If there's a mortgage then get in touch with them about getting yourself removed, same with the bills, let all the companies, council, electoral role insurance, know you no longer live there. If you cant face your ex then your solicitor should act on your behalf.

I think the divorce and negotiation shenanigans that will no doubt happen will help you move on!

If you still own half of it...is she paying you rent ?

This sounds really hard. I am shallow in this respect, but I would personally take some efforts to make myself look and feel absolutely great, and be doing loads of fun things, both for myself , but also so that when you inevitably do bump into them you can give them the vaguely unsettling sense that your life has finally begun now you you’re shot of him, and you’re living your best life. So I’d be off to the gym, getting a great haircut, learning a new language, having people round to dinner, booking some holidays etc, or whatever floats your boat. You will feel better and it will have the side benefit of pissing them off, as per human nature. They want to think they have the coveted thing. They will be flattering themselves that you are sad and jealous. Whereas it sounds like you are actually doing fine. She’s going to be stuck with him and his annoying habits, perhaps caring for him when he’s an old man. If they last that long. Onwards and upwards

This is so hard and I feel for you as I had the same. In the end, I did end up moving a little bit away (only half hour) but it was a mistake as my daughter’s life is still in our old town and I’m back every day and considering moving back. It’s been 10 years now and I don’t care anymore. He had 2 more children in our family home - but I know it’s not all rosy and while I’m now living a good life with almost adult child, he’s at the toddler stage again. He was a lying cheat and she moved in the day I moved out - so she’s welcome to him. Time will make it better.

This is so hard and I feel for you as I had the same. In the end, I did end up moving a little bit away (only half hour) but it was a mistake as my daughter’s life is still in our old town and I’m back every day and considering moving back. It’s been 10 years now and I don’t care anymore. He had 2 more children in our family home - but I know it’s not all rosy and while I’m now living a good life with almost adult child, he’s at the toddler stage again. He was a lying cheat and she moved in the day I moved out - so she’s welcome to him. Time will make it better.

If you still own half, i hope she’s paying rent to you!

Why has the house not been sold? Surely you need to take your share of the marital assets?

My ex comes into town and stays down the road from me, and comes with his parents, so I am familiar with the dread you feel - not just bumping into him but also the ex-laws. The only thing that worked for me was time and having my own (full and happy) life. I would just focus on putting the separation in place - legally, financially - emotionally will follow. And, I would also focus on doing things for yourself. Self care. Friends, flirtations, hobbies. Lean into the separation, and you might come out the other end sooner. Good luck.

I am in a similar position to you but I have retained the house but he has moved in with his girlfriend about 5 doors away. The kids are adults now but still at home and can't stand his girlfriend and a lot of other people feel the same so she will not be allowed to family events. They spend most of the time in the pub which is across from the house so I have to see them when I go in and out . I am still trying to get the finances sorted in the divorce.
I am just focusing on making the best life for myself and the satisfaction in knowing that I am doing the best for myself and my family.

My daughter told her father to sort himself out as I am thriving- it will get easier focus on you and use the opportunity to find yourself