Trigger warning - I need a friend

[Longtimeposter]

trigger warning - SA

so so much is broken and wrong in the relationship. We have a large blended family to consider but things have got so toxic I think I’ve disassociated from the majority of it over last few years but after yet another incident this weekend I feel so shut down I think it’s time.

validate me, both drunk and - him a lot more than me, I’d had 2 glasses of wine with dinner. We had friends to stay. Laid with my back to him, he starts fumbling, I tell him I’m not interested considering we’d been basically masking the cracks since a big row a couple of days before, not interested, tired, no. He carries on. Pulls my PJs down in silence. More fumbling. Pushes himself inside me with me half laying on my side/ front. I just didn’t move. Said nothing. Just couldn’t believe he was doing it. Didn’t hurt me. But I’d completely said no more than once and he was doing it any way. He literally just carried on in silence till he was done and I then got up and went to the bathroom - then fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed, except I couldn’t sleep - anxious racing thoughts.

what the F am I meant to do? I’m a professional, work FT, we have a mortgage and a completely joint life but not married.

I said to him the next morning that I considered what he had done as rape. I’ve also expressed in a text to him how aghast I am. He said sorry and tried to kiss me and I’ve pushed him away at every opportunity. I don’t want him to touch me. He’s still being a shitty prick. Not some one who’s trying to make up for a blip or a drunken mistake. Especially as I’ve clearly told him how awful I’ve found it. He’s just ignored it and carried on being absolutely shitty when he wants.

for context I was raped when I was 17. He is well aware of that.

he has history of being shit fyi. Controlling. Cheating on me when we first got together (with his ex wife) going through my phone, tracking me, finances are definitely an issue. Just in general he isn’t my safe person. He’s not some one I think that if I really needed him, he’d be capable or bothered to support me.

sorry it’s long. I can’t tell any one in real life. If I do it will blow my world apart.

I really hope a wise mumsnetter comes along very soon with some comforting words or sage advice.

I dont know how to put this delicately and I'm telling you not to cause you distress but gently when you say no and he penetrates you that is rape. Even without considering the other factors, you should leave. You deserve so much more than this and drunk or not his behaviour is abhorrent. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I’m so sorry this is happening. Financially, are you able to leave?

@Longtimeposter I can’t believe what i’m
reading, that is NOT okay! I don’t know your situation so it’s difficult to give advice so all i’ll say is that if it’s possible to leave i’d get out of there!

He raped you Op, I am sorry. You need to get away from him.

I’m so sorry, you must be devastated. You’re probably still in shock, and you really do need to tell someone in real life who can support you and look after you while you process it. There’s nothing ambiguous about this, he raped you. Whether you report it or not is entirely your own choice (and you don’t have to decide now) but you cannot stay with him. You’re not safe with him at all. Sending you a big hug

Sending you a hand hold. It’s awful and he has raped you. It doesn’t matter if he is your partner, rape is rape.

Do you think it would be helpful if you could speak to rape crisis or women’s aid. You are probably in a state of shock - you were in the safety of your own home with friends close by.
tell us what you need and we will try and help x

This. You are not safe with him and need to prioritise getting away. If you can give more info about your circumstances, kind people on here will advise you on how to do that. Please don't resign yourself to living with a man like this.

Agree with everyone else - and please remember that whatever happens as a result “blowing up my life” is his fault - HE has blown up your life by raping you.

I would not be staying with him.

His reaction afterwards is the most damning piece of evidence you need - he doesn’t give a shit about you I would be getting out of there fast

Is staying not blowing up your life? Hugs x

Op blowing your world apart is exactly what’s required here. Take your kids, sell that house and buy them a safe home away from this nasty controlling rapist. Don’t over complicate this for yourself because it’s not. You’re an intelligent woman, you’ll be better away from him. You should ideally report him too but from experience that realistically protracts things, worth considering. Sorry this happened to you again, you must take this as the line in the sand

Sadly, he will do this again if given the opportunity. He doesn’t actually care how you feel about it.

He has blown up your family. You need to decide how best to keep you and yours safe.

This was rape and as you say he’s horrible in the relationship anyway. You talk about blowing up your life if you tell people but your life is simply being destroyed slowly if you stay with this man. The fact you have blended families is not a reason to stay. Your DCs need a mother who is not being abused. However, it sounds like you have time to plan getting away. Women’s Aid has very thorough (as you would expect) at this link: https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

I’m so sorry this happened to you. If you google your county name and domestic abuse charity you should be able to find someone local who can offer you face to face support with this.

You ve taken the first steps.
You ve acknowledged he s raped you and you ve challenged him; you ve been very brave to do so in the first place.
There is no going back from this.
He s assualted you in the most unforgivable way possible.
It must be frightening to take the next steps that you know you need to do; get you and your family away from him.
Contact WA, they will talk you through everything and you ll get good infornation and advice here.💐
Sending you support.

Look at the bigger picture OP. His history is damning, you have said yourself that he is not your safe person. Please make this the last time he treats you badly, with no respect or regard for your wishes. He's the one who is blowing up your family, not you. Your children and you all deserve so much better than this. Please seek legal advice to see where you stand.

Spoke to him again this morning and he said I didn’t say no but I said “just get on with it” or “just finish”

so apparently that’s consensual

He has destroyed your relationship..
My first dh raped me nightly. Don't let it become your normal too op.
30 years in sex is still difficult for me.
You can report him to the police. And you must definitely can make a better life for yourself without him.

Did you though???
And look at his behaviour since you informed him.
He s not apologetic or remorseful is he??
He s defensive.Gaslighting; he s trying to make you feel bad for suggesting what he did was wrong by SA you in the first place.
Rely on your own judgement here.

As you’ve said, this was rape, sounds like you’ve got evidence through your text to him and his reply- keep those texts, maybe send them to someone or screenshot and keep safe for if needed in future- if you were to report. If you’re in the uk, women’s aid have a 24 hour phone line for anyone to call for support about domestic abuse which includes sexual violence - you could call anonymously and see if you want to follow up with any support they offer you. It would always be your choice whether you report this to Police. Domestic violence - sexual, financial, physical, emotional- affects women from
all backgrounds, walks of life. Sending you a hug and strength for whatever you decide

If you know you said no, then it wasn’t consensual and even if you didn’t say no but laid there in silence this is still not OK. Do not let him make you think otherwise, he is manipulating you to soothe his wrong doings.

Your original post said you told him you were not interested.You completely said no more than once.That's your memory of the event.
You did not participate in consensual sex.
Read over the text you sent him.( good advice to photo and store in memory for evidence).
Remind yourself of his reaction when you first spoke to him.
It s taken a few days now for him come up with his version of events.

No matter how hard leaving him will be it has to be better than staying. Take that first step now... it will always be hard... but the longer you wait the longer it is until you get away from this absolute asshole/ rapist / abuser. You and your kids should not have to live with a rapist/ abuser.

See that’s what I mean about his reaction.

IF he genuinely didn’t hear a ‘no’ then a) your lack of enthusiasm was a bloody big clue he should stop but b) he should be horrified when learning that you said no. He should be apologising profusely, repeatedly and be in absolute bits about the situation. Not trying to get out of it / lying / making excuses

I’m so sorry this happened.
I think you SHOULD blow your whole life up. It will be stressful and busy time but there is peace and happiness the other side of it, I’m happy in my safe small flat with my son and wouldn’t trade it for a big home with a controlling rapist in my bed.

also legally it will be very helpful to you to have him arrested for raping you. You can explain there has been coercive control etc. contact a rape crisis charity or centre today and they can support with telling police. If he’s on the police’s books you can get an occupation order and a non molestation order to make him leave the house and leave you alone (or he’ll be arrested). Otherwise you might have to live with him until the house is sold.

take your power back and find your anger!

I think it's ok to say, you need to get out of there, leave him etc, BUT and it's a big BUT, your safety comes first, people who are controlling and coercive can be dangerous and unpredictable when you take away their power, the single fact that matters is that he raped you, judging by what your saying there is no doubt in your head that is what happened, this means that there is nothing else to consider in this relationship, no man that loves or cares for you would do that, and there isn't an apology on earth that would excuse that. So what do you do next, well everyone's life is different, only you know your family dynamic, only you know your financial situation and only you know what he is capable of or at least would have an idea of what he might do if you said you where leaving.

If i was in this situation i would find a safe haven first, i'd make a decision to pack my stuff and move out when he's at work, whether that means going to live with family or if financially possible find a place of your own. I wouldn't tell him where i was and i wouldn't appoint a solicitor, i would just tell him i want half or i'll expose you for the dirty rapist you are. Once i got half and depending on how safe i felt, i would then go to the police and ruin his life like he ruined yours.

Be smart and don't put yourself in danger and if you decide to confide in someone make sure you can trust them.