Friendship grief

[hillier200]

Hi All,
I’m looking for some advice on how to move forwards from a friendship breakup. I’m finding it so difficult, almost worse than a relationship breakup. To give a background to my story - I met someone through work in 2021. We immediately hit it off and realised we were very similar despite her being 20 years older than me. Looking back now the friendship felt quite intense very quickly and we spoke daily through text and would meet up at work in person monthly. We were in constant contact and would spend hours on the phone with each other talking about our weekends, our history and life in general. We had a fun friendship but also explored deep aspects of our life and I felt a strong connection with her. I went through a particularly rough patch in my personal life in 2024 and she was my absolute rock throughout everything going on. She would check in with me daily, allow me to share my real thoughts and encouraged honesty - warts and all. I was conscious that at this point I was quite negative and would offload a lot to her - we spoke and she reassured me that it was okay and that she preferred the real version of us and she was there to support me. I also had supported her through rough times so it was mutual and not one sided. We were there for each her when we needed it.

Things started to change between us a couple of months later where I started to feel her distancing herself and began to share less of her life with me. I raised this several times but she felt there wasn’t a change from her side and that I was overthinking and over analysing. This aligned with her working with new people and honestly looking back, I think she probably found these new friendships less “needy” and more fun. Fast forward to earlier this year I spoke to her and said I felt a lot of distance between us and I missed her and the old version of us. She finally admitted that she felt as if she’d stepped into a parent role with me and realised that she couldn’t be responsible for me. Effectively it became too much for her. I understand this and respect her boundaries. I can’t force her to fill a role she no longer wants. I don’t have a relationship with my own mother and I think she had stepped into the space, which I didn’t ask for.
Our contact is now minimal maybe exchanging a few messages a couple of times a month, but it’s all surface level about work gossip or tv chat. I’m finding it really difficult to manage. I feel the messages stir up sadness and it’s a reminder that we’re no longer close. I’m at the point where I don’t reach out to her first to start conversation, it’s her that messages every couple of weeks with things like “plans for the weekend?” I messaged her last month and said I was finding things hard and that I missed her - the change between us has left a huge void and she was very important to me but felt I’d lost that. She didn’t engage and replied saying “I try but I think you need to talk to someone”. I feel so rejected and honestly a bit abandoned from the person that had reassured me that she wasn’t going anywhere. She felt like a friend for life and that isn’t the case. She had my back and I had hers.

How do I move forwards? I feel like I’m grieving. I accept the relationship isn’t ever going to be what it was now because time has passed, but I’m stuck in this limbo where we still have some contact but it makes me sad every time.

I think the friendships that start off quite intense can tend to burn out. It sounds like what you need is someone to talk to have you thought about counselling? As for the friend I would take a step back and let her come to you.

The above poster said exactly what I was going to say. I guess in addition can you take up a new hobby and make some new friends? And maybe next time guard against it becoming very intense?

I have considered counselling yes. I know I struggle with relationships and friendships due to my mother leaving the family home when I was young and not having a relationship with her since. I tend to be a very very guarded person and my walls are very high and I don’t let people into my inner world out of fear of being hurt. It feels like this has happened, she knew everything about me and I trusted her and that’s disappeared. It’s hard to now think about forming new friendships with any depth out of fear that this will happen again and cause more upset.

I don’t reach out to her anymore and let her come to me but I find when she does it’s just a reminder of what is no longer there. I think that maybe no contact would be easier to move forwards, but I care about her and don’t want to be rude or ghost her.

Another thing to add is that I have tried doing the lighter friendship after our chat but was finding it hard and that my responses were engineered to what I think she would want me to reply, I wasn’t being myself and this sucked. I wanted to continue seeing her so have suggested meeting for a coffee / walk at work in Jan, Feb and March this year and each time she didn’t say no but never followed through on plans or suggested other dates. I’ve stopped bothering to ask now. I get the vibe she doesn’t want to see me but isn’t brave enough to say that so skirts around it. I figure if someone wanted to see you they’d make it happen

It is natural when you’re close to someone to talk about what’s troubling you, especially if you respect their views and find their support helpful.

I wonder whether it would be better for you to go ‘no contact’. It sounds like the contact you’re having is upsetting you and not healthy for you. I would think you could explain this to your friend in a non blaming way if that’s what you wanted.

I think many of us, myself include have made these sorts of decisions and found them difficult but healthier long term.

Thank you ❤️ I think for a long time she made me feel like I was crazy and was imagining a change. I know now that I wasn’t and also I wasn’t too much. I notice little things and peoples behaviour. I guess she just didn’t want to hold the role anymore and didn’t communicate that which left me feeling really confused. I think no contact would be better for me but I’m scared to pull the trigger. Is this version better than not having her in my life at all? I don’t know.

Sorry OP but it does sound like you were very intense in the friendship and it became too heavy for her. She has been honest with you and makes an effort to keep in touch with you and check in. I don't think she's done anything wrong really.

I think some counselling could help you - the intense feelings of rejection and sadness do probably stem from your childhood and your mum leaving.

I think it would be ok to message your friend and say that you'd rather not have further contact as it's causing you to feel upset.

This, you say I think she had stepped into the space, which I didn’t ask for.
so do you think she was forcing herself on you
as a mother figure?

Thank you for reading. What makes you think I was being very intense?

My first thought when I started reading your post is that it sounded like a parent/child relationship rather than a friendship, even though you have her back if needed.

Try not to take her withdrawal personally. You don’t necessarily know about her own issues and insecurities and she may simply have decided that she can’t cope with supporting another person through their own problems.

Please visit your GP and see what options are open to you. I had therapy via Silvercloud, which did help even though I never met my therapist.

Sounds like this is actually more about your grief over your mum and it's playing out in this relationship with this woman, who obviously wants to be your friend, but without feeling burdened by or responsible for the intensity of your grief.

I lost my mum very young and I’ve unconsciously gravitated to friendships with women who are a couple of decades older than me. I still think it’s healthy to have friendships of different generations but gradually I realised that I was the one pushing them into that role, and took a step back. You haven’t done anything wrong, but your friendship might need a reset and repositioning.

I think it developed into a parent/child relationship in 2024 when I was having a rough time. Before this period it was very much friendship with the topics we would discuss and just the general vibe.

I think she recognised that I didn’t have a mother figure in my life and we had many similarities of life experiences being a single parent, with her 20 years or so ahead of me so became someone who would give advice on things like parenting. She had said very early on about being my “work mum” and how I was her protege. I feel she wanted to step into this space as opposed to me seeking it out.

I think you should probably end it for your own sake. Just say something like "I think it'd be easier for me if we end contact altogether - I appreciate you needed to take a step back and thank you for the good times & support in the past, but I think it'd be better for me now if we leave it here. Wish you well."

Awww @hillier200 I feel for you. I wonder if you could access some therapy but rebuild the relationship back to pre-2024. You had a good friendship and it didn’t work when it got too intense but it could work again if you faced your past in therapy and redrew the boundaries with her. Communicating adult to adult with her might reassure her you’re getting help and won’t try too have her as anything more than a friend in the future. Maybe think back to times before 2024 and what you did that you enjoyed and suggest that to her- after looking into counselling for yourself first.

Unfortunately if you can't do the lightness of a friendship and she can't be your sounding board for all of it, then your friendship is no longer compatible.

Treasure the memories, but move on? Try think of her in good terms, she and you helped each other before and that was good friendship when you needed it the most. People do move on and they are allowed to change what they want out of a friendship and if she no longer offers you what you need and it's upsetting you then time to part ways.

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OP, when I was younger, I thought close friendship meant intense friendship, heart to hearts, long conversations. The older I get, the more I realise that leaning on our friends is never a good basis for a healthy friendship to flourish. There is a world of difference between opening up to people you love (letting them know you are going through a tough time) and off-loading or oversharing (using them as a dumping ground for all your woes.

She is right that you need to speak to someone, especially as you recognise that she was a bit of a mother figure in your eyes, and you have a poor bond with your own mum. That could mean that her backing off felt like more of an emotional wrench than is usual (though I know friendship breakups are very painful.)

The balance of a strong, healthy friendship should be mainly fun with some light support. Flowers or a phone call during difficult times, or offers of practical help, but not long daily contact of an emotionally draining kind.

If I were you, I'd get some counselling and work on healthy boundaries in future friendships.

A previous poster is right OP in that intense friendships do tend to burn out. The friendships that take time to build are normally the one's that last.

When you feel that you've met a friend for life, you naturally want to share everything. But if you see someone everyday and are in constant contact, then it's like the relationship is on fast forward and you naturally share more and more of your life and problems. In my experience this is where things can become slightly imbalanced as it has for you, there were no boundaries in place.
Your friend has at least been honest with you and told you why she has pulled away, it became too much for her. You miss the connection that you had but even if you resumed contact as before, it wouldn't been the same.
I've had a similar experience and I'd definely recommend counselling. It won't be a quick fix but it shoild help you in the longer term. Good luck.

Your friend said that effectively it got too much for her. You said the friendship felt intense quite quickly and were daily texting and spending hours in the phone. That all sounds intense and unsustainable frankly.

I think you’re right. We both want different things out of the friendship now and it’s not compatible. I don’t think either of us are in the wrong. We’re just on different pages.

Thank you for replying and for being kind. I know I need to move on and seek professional help and realise my reaction isn’t perhaps normal due to attachment issues. It’s just difficult when she was a huge part of my life for years and that’s no longer there.

I think what’s difficult is that I felt she was the driving force of this. I think this is her and how she is in friendships. She’s constantly on her phone, I get the feeling that she’s moved on to another person and is the same with them which will then fizzle out and she’ll move on to the next. I realised this quite early on when she spoke about close friends that suddenly disappeared because they had been “weird”