Hi All,
I’m looking for some advice on how to move forwards from a friendship breakup. I’m finding it so difficult, almost worse than a relationship breakup. To give a background to my story - I met someone through work in 2021. We immediately hit it off and realised we were very similar despite her being 20 years older than me. Looking back now the friendship felt quite intense very quickly and we spoke daily through text and would meet up at work in person monthly. We were in constant contact and would spend hours on the phone with each other talking about our weekends, our history and life in general. We had a fun friendship but also explored deep aspects of our life and I felt a strong connection with her. I went through a particularly rough patch in my personal life in 2024 and she was my absolute rock throughout everything going on. She would check in with me daily, allow me to share my real thoughts and encouraged honesty - warts and all. I was conscious that at this point I was quite negative and would offload a lot to her - we spoke and she reassured me that it was okay and that she preferred the real version of us and she was there to support me. I also had supported her through rough times so it was mutual and not one sided. We were there for each her when we needed it.
Things started to change between us a couple of months later where I started to feel her distancing herself and began to share less of her life with me. I raised this several times but she felt there wasn’t a change from her side and that I was overthinking and over analysing. This aligned with her working with new people and honestly looking back, I think she probably found these new friendships less “needy” and more fun. Fast forward to earlier this year I spoke to her and said I felt a lot of distance between us and I missed her and the old version of us. She finally admitted that she felt as if she’d stepped into a parent role with me and realised that she couldn’t be responsible for me. Effectively it became too much for her. I understand this and respect her boundaries. I can’t force her to fill a role she no longer wants. I don’t have a relationship with my own mother and I think she had stepped into the space, which I didn’t ask for.
Our contact is now minimal maybe exchanging a few messages a couple of times a month, but it’s all surface level about work gossip or tv chat. I’m finding it really difficult to manage. I feel the messages stir up sadness and it’s a reminder that we’re no longer close. I’m at the point where I don’t reach out to her first to start conversation, it’s her that messages every couple of weeks with things like “plans for the weekend?” I messaged her last month and said I was finding things hard and that I missed her - the change between us has left a huge void and she was very important to me but felt I’d lost that. She didn’t engage and replied saying “I try but I think you need to talk to someone”. I feel so rejected and honestly a bit abandoned from the person that had reassured me that she wasn’t going anywhere. She felt like a friend for life and that isn’t the case. She had my back and I had hers.
How do I move forwards? I feel like I’m grieving. I accept the relationship isn’t ever going to be what it was now because time has passed, but I’m stuck in this limbo where we still have some contact but it makes me sad every time.