Unsure whether to end relationship over values clash and growing feelings

[FunnyUmberPoster]

I (26M) am 5 months into a relationship with my girlfriend (26F). In the early stages I really liked her qualities but recently I have come to discover a personality thorn I cannot remove: she is a little selfish and judgmental. It's subtle so I have often moved past it, but often hearing her judgmental attitude saps my energy. She is specifically judgey about prestige, clothing, and other people's quirks. She also rarely smiles when she is with me, and when I asked her why, she reacted by emotionally receding, deadly cold. The things that seems to connect us is her commitment to me emotionally, the emotional trust we have established, and incredible sex. I have told her that her attitude and tone bother me and I wish she could see differently about other people, but she has not changed. I also don't like her friends because they are similarly judgmental and gossip in a judgmental way.

That's when I reconnected with a situationship (24F) who was a housemate for 3 weeks. We had and still have incredible chemistry. She is really kind and smart (super fun and imaginative) and a great communicator. After talking she said she wanted to reconnect; she acknowledged that we had good conversational chemistry together, and she thinks I'm funny. When asked, her romantic situation was complicated and she said she doesn't know what she wants. She sad she also didn't want to hurt anyone. She said she wanted to be friends, so I said let's be friends. Somehow that has made her open up, be flirty, and now she is making future plans with me for the summer (all date-like). I have not moved these plans forward as I know these would be boundary crossing.

I don't want to emotionally cheat because I value the emotional trust my gf and I have established together. However, I do think the values piece is chafing me (and probably her as well). I also know this situationship is risky but I also want to have fun with her and explore this relationship (go to concerts, museums, altered mental state experiences). Is there a world in which I do these activities with my "friend" and remain in my relationship? Or should I breakup with my gf and then do these activities with my friend? Or should I double down with my gf and try to workout the values clash more thoroughly (which seems really hard and requires a lot of patience)?

You're 26. Just break up she's not the girl for you

Sounds like you need to break up with your girlfriend before you cheat on her.

Well I would definitely break up over the values clash as viewing your partner as selfish and judgemental isn't a foundation for a decent relationship.

I must say though, you don't sound like a great partner yourself either. Of course you can't go to museums and concerts with a previous 'situationship'! It's incredibly disrespectful towards your partner (and in my opinion, not something you'd want to do if you were head over heels, so further proof the relationship is dead).

This post sounds made up.

Taking the situationship out of the equation here your 5 months in..... what you write and describe can you picture yourself in 18 months with your gf and being happy?! As your writing doesn't come across as you do.

To me it comes across as a time running relationship with great sex...that's not enough for a good happy and solid relationship.

I have told her that her attitude and tone bother me and I wish she could see differently about other people, but she has not changed. I also don't like her friends

I sincerely hope that this post isn’t genuine. Telling a woman that you don’t like her attitude and tone and expecting her to change them for you is controlling and unacceptable behaviour. Not liking her friends is a red flag on your part. And I’m not even going to touch the cheating issue.

No one is making you be in a relationship with her. You are choosing that for yourself. You don’t get to control and change another person to suit you. You break up and find someone more compatible.

If this is genuine: break up with her, stay single, and seek therapy.

It really doesn’t sound like the language of a 26 year old guy.

Break up with the girlfriend. The other girl has friendzoned you so don’t expect to hang on in the hopes of dating her. Neither of these women are right for you.

When you start wondering if someone else might be a better bet, you have your answer. Break up with your gf. Don't dwell on the good parts - accept the negatives, as they won't go away.

I'm sorry but you're already cheating on your girlfriend. I'm judging you for your terrible values.

If a bloke had told me he didn't like my attitude and tone aged 26, I'd have thrown him back into the tosser pond.

Do your gf a favour, have a fling with your situationship, whatever that is, and see if you are perfect enough to find the perfect woman.

She's not just a 'friend' though, is she OP? If you're being honest with yourself- you said it yourself, she's a 'situationship' and you want to see how it progresses with her.

If you stay with your girlfriend and then go on 'date like' things with this situationship girl then you are cheating. Basically holding your current girlfriend as a failsafe backup in case the new one doesn't pan out (regardless of how judgmental she is) it would be cruel and unfair to do that to her and I suspect you know that deep down.

If you want to explore where it goes with the situationship woman, you need to break up with your girlfriend. Make sure you definitely do want this as there will be no going back once you've set everything in motion.

Break up with the gf because you're not compatible. Don't hang around for the 'incredible sex' because that's just using her.

The 'situationship' woman you should probably steer clear of until her current romantic situation is less complicated (ie she's free). Otherwise she's emotionally cheating on her current bf which is surely not a value you'd appreciate? To be fair, you too are emotionally cheating by reconnecting with this woman. Set yourself free from the gf and wait for the other woman to be free. Don't make out your own values are so high and then mess around with others.

Break up with the judgey one.
Respect the wishes of your friend to be a friend and do not think of any of these activities as "dates" or things that might lead to a sexual relationship. Just be friends who enjoy doing stuff together. This is perfectly possible so long as you can subscribe to the notion that a woman is a whole and complete human being who can self determine her course in life and isn't just an NPC/Support-character for the main character males around her.

The right partner for you is out there somewhere. You haven't met her yet, but that's fine, you are barely out of puberty and have plenty of time, it is far too early to settle down yet.

Funny how wanting to shag someone new suddenly makes one inclined to notice all the annoying faults of one’s partner.

I wonder if MN uses bots for fake posts to pretend the site is more popular than it is because some of the stuff I read here is just beyond the pale.

This. Am surprised others are engaging with it to be honest.

American , reddit refugee. So tedious to have mumsnet cluttered with this bilge.

The post looks like it was written by AI.

I doubt we'll be seeing the OP again.

So you’re asking if you can have your cake and eat it too? Of course you can’t, don’t be ridiculous. And I’d wait until you’ve done a bit more growing up before considering starting a relationship with anyone.

This !

Unless I've missed something, OP could be a woman, not a guy. Regardless, it sounds like it's been written by AI.

When you're 26 and dating (well, any age really), the whole idea is to find out if your values and attitudes align.

It's reasonable to find hers unattractive.

It's unreasonable to expect her to change them because you're saying you fundamentally don't like who she is as a person yet that is exactly who she is as a person.

So end it.

And I think that is good advice for anyone in this situation, tbh.

I have told her that her attitude and tone bother me

When a woman's tone bothers you, you don't ask her to change her tone you leave.

You don’t need a reason beyond‘I’m not happy’ to break up with someone. Ever.

Cheating on someone is totally wrong, break up with them first. Have some decency.

This advice applies to males, females, the old, the young, the neurodivergent and neurotypical plus any race, creed, colour and nationality you can think of or identify with. Everyone, in short!