Left him but failed at life

[Pastafordinner]

I am a complete and utter failure. I've left him, have the kids full time. Fast forward a couple of months now we live in emergency accommodation. I'm on benefits.

I'm so grateful for the housing and benefits but I feel like an utter waste of a human. The other day I was in the shops and a man was loudly and pointedly saying "oh they all come out today, they probably all get paid their benefits today etc etc".

I never imagined my life would turn out like this. I feel unbelievably guilty and awful for my children, how I can't provide a normal childhood for them.

One has SEN. I am burnt out I make sure their needs are met but there is no enjoyment, I feel like I've failed at motherhood too.

I don't know how to do basic things. I haven't worked in over a decade. I didn't know how to pay a bill or do basic car maintenance. I look like an idiot most of the time. It's my own fault it's learned incompetence.

I don't know how to get a job, I don't know how to get a nursery place for my child and how to then get a job in those hours. Or if I work would I lose the emergency accommodation.

Who would hire me because I have no skills, nothing to actually bring to the table, I'm completely fatigued, I'm a complete mess, although if you saw me at school pick up you would have no idea that my life is actually like this.

I was very independent before but during the marriage had no bank account for years, very isolated I've forgotten how to even talk to people or make friends. I feel like I don't know how the world works or how to be a human anymore.

My ex -dh actions met the 'definition' for DV but I'm really struggling with feeling like a fraud because I don't think it was bad enough.

I'm even thinking of getting back together in a couple years not because of him but just purely strategically.

I can't see a way forward, I can't live in emergency accommodation forever the council told me there's no housing stock and I haven't lived in the area long enough to be entitled.

I feel powerless and useless.

Hi OP, I would look at apprenticeships in childcare where you can get a place for your child that should help with drop offs and pick ups. Ive worked in nurseries that had such apprentices. If you have GCSEs then you can go straight for a level 3.

Also if you are on UC then housing costs are not part of the cap as they don’t use emergency accommodation or temporary accommodation, as this is paid from the council in the form of housing benefit, this might work in your favour for now.

Have you got parents who could help?

Does your council have arrangements with private landlords? Ours used to pay the deposit and guarantee the rent.

please stop beating yourself up OP. You are getting your life back together. It will take time.
I suggest you contact the CAB and women’s aid for help and advice supporting you getting your life back on track.
you’ve got this!!!

You’ve been through a lot by the sounds of it. No wonder you feel down. But you have escaped an abusive husband & this will be better for your children. Start looking for all the help available out there. Local domestic violence & women’s groups, local churches even - where you can get free advice & some support. Make sure you are claiming all the financial support you can, does your ex pay you child support? - don’t feel guilty about it. It will help you get back on your feet which is what it’s designed for. Look at the jobs boards locally, shop windows etc. Things will improve in time… but don’t isolate yourself. X

You’ve achieved so much getting away. Many women don’t manage that. You’ve vastly improved your children’s lives by leaving.

Can you goofgle to see if there any domestic abuse charities in your area?. Ask about the freedom program - it’s a course for survivors of domestic abuse and it’ll help you see why you’re feeling the way you are.

I think you’ve got many more skills than you realise. You’ve used IT to post here, you’ve written a well composed post with good spelling and grammar - I’ve been trying to recruit recently and many of the people applying for the roles couldn’t do that. It sounds like you’re getting your children to school and if people wouldn’t know you must be keeping everyone clean and appropriately dressed. You’re going to get through this.

Thanks I will look into the apprenticeship, I didn't know that was even an option.

Yes true the council does pay for the emergency accommodation. I have heard that if you work they'll cut that housing benefit though.

So the council is currently paying for the emergency accommodation that I'm living in otherwise I would be completely homeless. They do have schemes for private rent but there's no way I could afford it as I don't even have a job and UC would be nowhere near enough to cover rent

Speak to your uc job coach or ask for advice at the job centre
There will be free sesions on cv writing etc
You gavegotten away you are free and you got this

if you have a child five or under you can self refer to HomeStart. They are a family suppprt service and befriending service. They can support you in all the areas you talk about.

Life will improve and you can learn all the things you need to. Just take one step at a time

I really appreciate your message, I feel like this would be true for another woman, but for me I feel like a complete fraud to be honest.
I say DV just to explain or justify why I left because on paper it does count as DV, but internally I don't really believe it counts as DV for me personally. So I'm struggling to actually contact any charities because I don't feel like it's meant for me.

Thank you, I didn't think of it like that

You have the done the bravest thing ever- saved your children. Everything else is fixable. Take one day at a time.
Write a list of what you want to achieve, job, housing etc.. Find all the resources you can such as charities to get support and advice. Also of course mumsnet!! We can all help you along the way!!

You’re not a failure at all, shit happens! Now’s not the time to be looking for a job or nursery place, it’s time to take every day as it comes and be there for the kids. One has SEN so that’s hard as it is. Do not rush into anything, everything will work out

It’s only been two months. It takes a while to re build after leaving a relationship let alone one with kids and where you were experiencing DV.

find a dv charity and talk to them. Just because you left it’s still valid to speak to them. A lot of women experience post separation abuse also so this could happen.
I second the Freedom programme - I did it via my local DV charity.

I too felt like a fraud and this really helped.

Lastly, give yourself a break, You’ve got plenty of time to learn all this stuff.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

It doesn't matter if you don't know how to do something, no-one magically knows this stuff. Everyone learns sometime. Ask.

Try not to feel like you should know something - everyone has knowledge gaps. If you've never applied for a nursery place before, how would you know how to do it? It's something people only do a few times in life.

YouTube is great for practical stuff, there are tutorials for pretty much everything.

Your support worker should be able to help you with admin & stuff like that.

As for friends and feeling more human, give yourself a break, you're still reeling. Fake it 'til you make it like you do already at the schoolgate.

Give yourself credit for all the big, small and tiny things you do. Praise yourself, be kind to yourself.

Don't go back. You can do this.

I remember a massive sense of achievement from changing a bulb in my car after I split from my ex who usually did all that stuff and made me feel like I couldn't. It was a really simple thing (once you know how to do it) but yeah, such a good feeling.

Trying to learn new systems like housing and benefits IS really hard. They are complicated. A couple of years ago I had to claim ESA for a few months after a period of extended sick leave. It got complicated and I absolutely had to get support from a welfare rights org..they were amazing. I would echo what others have said and pull some support in. This is when you need it. I think a DV charity would be a good shout as they will understand the practical and emotional complexities of what you are trying to navigate. They will not judge at all. Try and not judge yourself either..You've done so well to get this far.

Your post made me so sad. You aren't a failure or a fraud or a bad mum. You are just relearning. Tackle one thing at a time. There might be organisations who may be able to help you with a resume or getting you back into the workforce etc. The hard times won't last forever.

You have done the right thing Op and this is exactly what the benefits system is for.
Make an appointment with citizens advice and they will talk you through everything you need to do and explain how to do it. Good luck.

You’ve experienced economic abuse and have entitlements as a result. It’s not your fault. Get in touch with Surviving Economic Abuse or other domestic violence orgs.

Have you got a support worker, if so get in touch. If not try to find one. What needs does your child have as sometimes charities have support workers, or domestic abuse charities, or churches . Where are you in the country? You’ve done something really hard after years of isolation so it’s going to feel terrifying at first but it’s early days, you won’t be like this forever

You have listed your "failures", which would only have been failures if they had been your fault, but have not stopped and think about your achievements.

You have put your children first, kept them safe in an unsafe scenario, sacrificed any career to date to be a good mother to them, navigated the benefits/housing maze ... OK it's pretty shit to be in this situation but you have stepped up as a parent and the only way is up now that you are rid of your useless partner.

Grab every opportunity for the future. Life has chucked some bad things your way (as it has for me) but looking to the future is the best plan. Expect it to take time to get where you want to be, but you will only get there if you can try to stop beating yourself up and start patting yourself on the back for your bravery and what you have achieved and making steady concrete plans for the future. You will get there and your DC are lucky to have you.

Oh that’s a shame. I hope you can get something soon.
please don’t go back it will all work out.

They don’t cut it completely it’s tapered so you will still be better off earning. Also as an apprentice your wage won’t be a lot for the first year which means you wouldn’t have to pay too much h towards your rent.

check out the website entitled to, which is a benefit calculator and you can add different wages and see how much benefits you would lose.