I am a complete and utter failure. I've left him, have the kids full time. Fast forward a couple of months now we live in emergency accommodation. I'm on benefits.
I'm so grateful for the housing and benefits but I feel like an utter waste of a human. The other day I was in the shops and a man was loudly and pointedly saying "oh they all come out today, they probably all get paid their benefits today etc etc".
I never imagined my life would turn out like this. I feel unbelievably guilty and awful for my children, how I can't provide a normal childhood for them.
One has SEN. I am burnt out I make sure their needs are met but there is no enjoyment, I feel like I've failed at motherhood too.
I don't know how to do basic things. I haven't worked in over a decade. I didn't know how to pay a bill or do basic car maintenance. I look like an idiot most of the time. It's my own fault it's learned incompetence.
I don't know how to get a job, I don't know how to get a nursery place for my child and how to then get a job in those hours. Or if I work would I lose the emergency accommodation.
Who would hire me because I have no skills, nothing to actually bring to the table, I'm completely fatigued, I'm a complete mess, although if you saw me at school pick up you would have no idea that my life is actually like this.
I was very independent before but during the marriage had no bank account for years, very isolated I've forgotten how to even talk to people or make friends. I feel like I don't know how the world works or how to be a human anymore.
My ex -dh actions met the 'definition' for DV but I'm really struggling with feeling like a fraud because I don't think it was bad enough.
I'm even thinking of getting back together in a couple years not because of him but just purely strategically.
I can't see a way forward, I can't live in emergency accommodation forever the council told me there's no housing stock and I haven't lived in the area long enough to be entitled.
I feel powerless and useless.