How did your relationship cope during your baby's first year?

[Feckitanyway123]

I have the impression now most people agree that having a baby is tough on your relationship.

I don't have the energy to describe my situation, other than to say since DC joined us 7 months ago it's been a real struggle to recognise the person I married, and I think he'd say the same. We're both working hard, but it's an uphill struggle.

If you had a baby with a partner and look back on the first year or so of their life, what are the things you were not able to forgive your partner for, and the things you found you could forgive?

What is the secret to getting through this?

As our eldest is now 30, and dh and I are still together, there wasn't anything we "couldn't forgive" each other for.

In terms of what we could forgive each other for, that would be the things we did through exhaustion - snapping at each other, forgetting to do things we should have done, etc.

Not sure there is any point bumping this...

I think you just have to forgive eachother for any snapping when you're sleep deprived. Also make sure dad is pulling his weight because of they don't you will sit and seethe with resentment which is not good at all. You just sort of take it a day at a time and you'll see it will fly by

I think a lot pf people get a "bad shock" especially older parents i was 38 with my first.

Honestly it improves bit you have to lean in and work even when you are knackered and dont want to.
I was shocked as we had barely argued pre kids and I considered us highly compatible.
Our marriage is still good but children + 2 x FT jobs strains things and everyone is spread a bit thin especially if you have little / no family help

For me, domestic abuse started when DC1 was 9 weeks old. This is a common time for it to start. I didn’t realize at the time that I was being abused. With hindsight, exDP did not like the fact that he was no longer the centre of my attention.

Thank you everyone.

Yes little/no family support @SalmonOnFinnCrisp DH took this especially badly as it meant there was no one supporting him while he was caring for me/DC post emergency c section. It seems to have disbalanced him massively from day 0 and to be fair I didn't have the capacity to look after him in the way he needed in those early weeks. His hurt and fear came/comes out in frequent grumpiness, defensiveness and/or criticism. And eventually I snap, which then makes me the bad guy apparently.

@Devilsmommy I was careful not to take on everything, but it seems that's just led to him feeling resentful!

The thing is my capacity increases all the time so I have been able to take on more, but he seems so wounded by me/the world/me for the period where I just couldn't and he was struggling.

Thank you @dizzydizzydizzy.
I'm really sorry you found yourself in that position.

I'm sometimes wondering where the line is between domestic abuse and "normal" arguing / not always being your best self. I don't know if that's a bad sign in itself.

guess one reason for having maternity and/or paternity leave in yr 1

thank you!

If you’re arguing a lot, I would talk to Women’s Aid to see if they think it is abuse or could be heading that way. When I read their description of abuse on their website, I did not recognize my situation in their explanation. However, when I told my GP about exDP’s behaviour (without saying is this abuse - I was simply telling her about the various stresses in my life), she told me firmly “Dizzy, I’m worried about this. It is quite obviously domestic abuse and it is not even borderline.” She then put me in touch with the local Women’s Aid group and they were brilliant. They put me on a course and gave me a support worker who I could call at any time.

I hope in your case it is ‘normal’ arguing rather than abuse. Either way, I hope you sort things out.

Currently going through this now as well. Baby 7 months and we have been together a long time. The strange thing is, we actually have an older child and I don’t remember feeling like I hated him back then, but they were born during the ‘honeymoon period’ or first 2 years, and we had lots of family help back then to smooth things over.

He is besotted with baby (we both are), but he has mood swings that he has always had and I absolutely cannot tolerate them anymore somehow, it’s like I don’t have time for another adult being like that.

He is also irresponsible with money and I have to pay most bills and nag him for contribution.

I just feel like we won’t survive this, I want someone to look after us. To be fair he does a lot with the baby, but we also don’t have family hekp and zero alone time together.

In your situation, what does he say about the period after birth? and how is he now? I think that could be important here.

Our relationship didn’t change with the first, started to argue with the second but it hasn’t been often he goes above and beyond for the kids so I can’t complain at all. We don’t have any date nights either really, we will start once the youngest starts school this year. Is it tiredness? My partner is a shift worker so he’s always got up with the kids and naps through the day, I can’t nap through the day so we’ve always comprised on that

i was pregnant at 25 so this probably helped, I’m 34 now and would find it harder

Our relationship was never the same, we broke up whilst I was preg with DC2

The biggest issue for us (me?) was that my life changed vastly more than his.

Your social life is gone, your work life gone, your body a wreck, woken up constantly, the responsibility of breastfeeding, cant leave the baby at all really… and he’s off to work in the morning, meeting someone for lunch, oh we might have a pint after work, I’ve been invited to the football on Saturday, I like to go to the gym on Tuesday and Thursdays etc etc.

It was like we were leading entirely separate lives.

Currently seven months in with DC2. DC1 is three. Our relationship is fine. Less time for fun stuff, we’re quite tired and I’m much pushier, but nothing major to complain about.

Our relationship has always been very solid, DH is an equally involved and enthusiastic parent, and we are in an extremely fortunate financial position - so have a housekeeper and other paid support. Based on the experiences I read about on here, I think these are the factors that mean we’ve avoided most of the early parenting issues. That and luck.

I’m very sorry you’re having a hard time.

My advice with little to no support is outsource things where you can and within budget....

For us that'll looked like a cleaner 5 hrs fortnightly
Cook or nice ready meals 5 night pw amd we did night nanny 2 x pw until baby was 3m

Thank you @dizzydizzydizzy, this is really helpful. I hope getting some clarity on that will clear my head a little. Onwards and upwards to you (and me!)

@Blossoms217 do you mind me asking why you think you'd find it harder now you're older?

I think most people find that first year tough - best advise I received was don't make irreversible decisions in the first 365 days. Including divorce!

That being said, is it a mutual "wtf just happened to our lives" and struggle to rebalance workload and identity post parenthood, or is it him using you as an emotional whipping board? It sounds like he's potentially struggling with MH, and making that your problem?

Either way, individual therapy would be brilliant. I thought I was the problem until I went to therapy - one of the things she asked me at the end of our first sessions really stuck with me. 'You keep saying you're anxious. Do you have anxiety, or are you in an anxiety inducing situation?' For me it was the latter, driven primarily by the fact I had no support and felt responsible for managing his parenthood experience too.

We have really struggled since having our daughter, shes 19 months. Things improved since I went back to work because I felt so
much better in myself. And she recently started sleeping through. Hang in there - it’s such a tough transition

I think it can be harder older as you’ve had more adult life without child and you’ve probably had more years as a couple before baby

@Treesarelovely thank you for sharing.
I can relate to what you say about lowered tolerance. I think his has been a shock for my DH. And wanting someone to look after you. Unusually, my DH is largely responsible, "helpful" etc. But it's the moods that are killing me. I just need some softness.

So interesting what you say about the honeymoon period. A couple of couples from my antenatal class met, got married and had a baby within 2 years, and seem to be so loved up still, and I've been feeling some shame that we are so far away from that.
The irony is, I would never have dreamed of having a baby with someone I felt I didn't know really well already, I thought it was too risky!

Your questions...
what does he say about the period after birth? He mainly talks about how hard it was for him, having slept so little for the first two months, and with noone asking how he was doing. That he was working really hard to look after us (and didn't I recover well because of his efforts). None of those things are untrue, and I really wish he'd had more support. It can get a little jarring though as it feels like the whole thing is about him, and it doesn't seem to matter how many times I empathise or thank him.

How is he now? He has been calmer since he started seeing a therapist. That's a very big step for him and it gives me some hope. But seemingly random things can set him off - he'll be really snarky with me, and I'll have no idea where it's come from. If I try and ask or eventually defend myself, it just escalates wildly. He's does not seem very interested in my feelings or experience of our relationship, and gets incredibly defensive if I voice anything he perceives as criticism. He still cares for DC, and does his best around the house on top of a tiring, draining job. But it's always what he thinks is important, and really struggles to provide what I'm actually asking for I.e.can get annoyed by those requests. Not always, but sometimes.

Sorry for long response there. How does yours talk about the period after the birth? I was curious why you asked that.

Makes sense

This really resonates. Thank you @letsallavoidourproblems