How did your relationship cope during your baby's first year?

[Feckitanyway123]

I have the impression now most people agree that having a baby is tough on your relationship.

I don't have the energy to describe my situation, other than to say since DC joined us 7 months ago it's been a real struggle to recognise the person I married, and I think he'd say the same. We're both working hard, but it's an uphill struggle.

If you had a baby with a partner and look back on the first year or so of their life, what are the things you were not able to forgive your partner for, and the things you found you could forgive?

What is the secret to getting through this?

don’t make any decisions about your relationship for the first year

Having read that he felt someone should be asking how he was doing, I think he was used to being the centre of your focus and then that went out the window. I wonder if he has any understanding of what it is like for a woman growing a child in your body, you have no control over your body anymore, then a c section, mine was an EMCS and we also had no family/friends to help. Obviously parenthood has an impact on the Dad but far more so on the Mum.

How we approached it before we had the baby, we knew we were it this alone, but we were a team, together, no competition on who was more tired, this meant Dh was hands on from day 1 and right from him returning to work I had a lie in one day and he did too. Our communication was good though. Neither of us perceived what the other one was saying as an attack but a comment on whatever was happening.

Language is really important and how things are phrased. I think maybe have a look at Jimmy on Youtube, I think this sort of covers where you are with him exploding at things you say. But you know you relationship well so have a scroll through his stuff. He was also praised by The Gottman Institute who have been studying relationships for decades. I hope it helps you.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/TkCnHl0PHeQ

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/PLOWrkMM-8Y

@Feckitanyway123 if it helps it did get better in my case - but it took a lot of work. And most importantly, he was willing to put in the work too. It wasn't perfect, but we got there in the end & he did a near 180 for our second child.

Things that helped the most were therapy, my focusing on myself, taking back time for hobbies, and making sure we both had individual time. Resentment bubbles fast when your cup is empty. Then trying to give each other and ourselves grace. Give grace was basically our mantra, I hate the term now! Parenting also gets a lot easier, and a lot funnier once they're walking, talking and sleeping. I personally don't love the first year, although I love being a mother.

A previous poster made a really key point though, first you have to examine if you feel it's emotional abuse, or a rough patch. The above advise won't work if it's abuse, and I really wanted to highlight that because there's nothing anyone can do to fix it if their partner isn't operating out of care and reason.

@Feckitanyway123
I suppose it’s good that he helps, although it doesn’t sound like the moods are good for you. I know exactly what you mean when you say “I just need some softness”. I felt like that at the start as well.

Yeah we were younger when we had the first and still very much in love with each other. Family help kind of smoothed things over cause his family helped a lot with childcare, which they can no longer do, my life didn’t change as much as it has this time. I was young (early 20s) and his irresponsible side just didn’t seem to bother me as much at all. Now I’m late 30s and it makes me so angry and resentful now that I’m carrying him a lot.

That is good that your husband is getting therapy, hopefully will make some progress. Obviously I don’t know the full situation, but it must be horrible for you that he doesn’t recognise what you went through as the woman/mother and is just focused on himself. I had a CS too although planned CS. Hopefully he’s ‘just’ shell shocked at the early days especially as a first time parent and he will come to terms with it and for your sake he will acknowledge how hard it was for you too, because that might be important for you, the acknowledgment. Mine probably won’t acknowledge anything, I suppose because he’s always been like this, it predates the baby it seems to be my own tolerance of his childish irresponsible and moody behaviour that’s changed.

I just asked because I wondered if your husband was at the stage of whoa that was difficult but we got through it, or still stewing about it. Mine doesn’t really say much about the period after birth, as his life pretty much carried on as normal. He’s technically self employed (driver for the big delivery company) so zero paternity leave so she was born on the Friday he was back at work long hours on the Monday. I was really worried about recovery and sleep too, and I think my older children were too in case they’d need to take time off during exam preparation to help me, but luckily my recovery was ok. I am really hurt though not so much about the practical stuff, but that he continued his usual grumpy self centred moods even in the hospital and on the journey home and ever since basically, he’s been better recently but that’s only because he knows I’ve been ready to leave. Like you, I felt I needed care and not moods.

Sorry if a can of worms question, but do you plan any more children? Maybe your husband is scared because it’s been such a shock and he’s worried about going through it again. I may be totally off there, but just a thought. When I had my first (I have a DC from previous relationship, our teen together, and the baby), I was completely shell shocked for quite a while.