Son insecure due to his facial disfigurement

[CheekyHiker]

my son who is 25 was born with a facial disfigurment and although he did have surgery to correct it when he was young but it left surgery scars, when he was in primary school he did get picked on unfortinaly although as he got older it stopped but when he reached puberty I remember him saying to me that he will never attract any girls because of the way he looks. He never had any GF's but he told me that he has no choice but to be "scary" because of his facial disfigurment and he heard that if your an ugly guy then just be scary because women are attracted to it. He got into martial arts and the gym during puberty, he also got into fights and got arrested a few times. He swears on the bible that he has never once started a fight or been a bully because he knows what its like to be bullied but then says that people start on him because he has a "reputation", he also won a Mixed martial arts tournament when he was 17 but doesnt fight competitive now but still trains. He is very fit and athletic, runs 5 miles a day and he is always training. He is also very career driven and recently got a mortgage on his own, he reads lots of books on philisophy and law. However, he has told me about his dating struggles and he even said that he is still a virgin who has never kissed or hugged a woman. He has given up on dating apps and is worried that he will never have kids, his younger brother has had GF's and all his work collegues have kids/partners. Although he has a facial disfigurment but he is tall, very athletic, he does have a good sense of fashion, no bad habbits, a mortgage and I told him that its not all about the looks. He also says many women wouldnt want kids with me because they'd think that our kids would come out with the same facial disfigurment (its not hereditary by the way). He also told me that back in school he heard a group of girls say "Ew not him" and another said "he's rotten" when they were talking about boys that they fancied. He said that it hurt him more than any punch or boot to the head he has got, he also got stabbed one time on the back shoulder after a gang jumped him but said that it felt worse what those group of girls said. I've tried getting him help and to talk to people but said that it never worked because his surgery scars are still there

No bad habits except getting in fights and arrested and deciding that a 'bad' persona will attract women?

Probably the fights & being arrested putting people off, that is bad habits op. You are blind.

Respectfully, OP, it’s his track record of getting into fights and being arrested, his ‘reputation’, plus his idea that a ‘bad’ persona is going to attract women that is putting off potential dates/girlfriends.

@DarkForces I think deep down he is very insecure and he says that considering he has a reputation of fighting and winning an MMA tournament this has got him into more fights. Thats why he never goes out to clubs or pubs now, he says too many men want to prove themselfs as being "hard" by trying to beat him up, he also gets comments about his appearance still

What woman wants to be with someone rough and scary? And admits being stabbed and jumped by a gang? Lmao

He needs therapy, he sounds like an incel/andrew tate's dream and you sound really passive and naive. Maybe tell him that he needs a better lifestyle and hobbies, maybe go to church or book clubs and interact with women as if they're people. He's probably coming off as self conscious and desperate

Anti anxiety meds and therapy could be something good for him and I'd certainly not be indulging his woe is me mentality any more unless he actually starts to change things

I'd be more put off by his character than his disfigurement scars. I wouldn't want to be with someone who seems violent or scary. I would consider a relationship with someone imperfect though, how bad is the scarring? Is it really noticeable?

Of course it's horribly sad that he has been bullied and it will affect him for life but he needs a fresh start with a new outlook and less pressure on relationships and kids and marriage as desperation is a killer. Could he be a kids martial arts personal trainer? It would change his reputation somewhat

Or he could get a job in a different area and start going to churches or hobby classes in the next town over so he could start afresh. Does he not have any groups of lad friends from school to hang out with? Is he into anything like card or board games? He needs to focus on finding his tribe

@Keroppi actually according to his story a gang jumped someone else while he was outside mcdonalds on a night out and he says that he wasnt going to watch someone get beat to death in front of him so thats why he jumped in

But while this sounds like a reason for him to have some targeted therapy to come to terms with it, it’s not a potential girlfriend’s problem. Given the choice between a permanently angry man who can’t go to clubs or pubs or he gets into a fight, and a man who manages his own MH without aggression or having a ‘reputation’, guess which one most sensible women will choose?

His self esteem has been deeply affected and his self worth is highly entangled with his his body image -
hence his leaning into the muscle aesthetic
is he on steroids ??
that’s really bad for mental health
I would suggest he seeks therapy
not CBT
more psychodynamic or ideally interpersonal psychotherapy

But that’s when you call the police, not get into a fight, surely?

Have you heard of changing faces? They are a charity that support people with facial differences. It could be helpful to reach out to them.

Yes, that’s the one I was trying to think of, and there also another one. Might be a good place to start in terms of finding specialist therapy.

Has he had therapy to help him deal emotionally with the disfigurement?

Can I ask what is the disgurement, is there anything that can be done to help it now. How severe is it. I’m trying to gauge if this is more of a big deal to him or future partners.

You really think the police would have arrived in time?

It sounds like he's got into a very negative mindset that is harming him far more than his facial disfigurement. Being scary and getting into trouble is something he can change though. I suggest he gets some therapy to help him change his mindset and finally put to rest his feelings over what those horrible girls said at school. He's clearly got very low self-esteem, which has held him back his whole life. If he doesn't believe he can attract someone, he won't, but I promise it's the mindset that's the problem, not the disfigurement. I mean, I don't know what the disfigurement is, but I'm assuming something like a cleft lip/palate, which hasn't held back Tom Burke or Joaquin Phoenix.

@BeaPerry no he is very against steroids and his diet is all healthy, I have suggested CBT or talking to someone but then he thinks that it wont work.

Well it definitely won't if he doesn't try it!

The definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. He needs to try something different.

CBT is u likely to be the therapy choice that would be suitable -
but IPT would be

If a man is buff, has a good personality and funny, people will see beyond the disfigurement. But if he acts insecure then that will be off putting.

I don’t think whether the police would have arrived in time is an adequate reason for risking your life intervening in someone else’s fight and being stabbed as a result, no.

And, unless he hangs around at night waiting for someone to get jumped so he can come to their rescue, I can’t imagine that all his arrests for getting into fights were him being some put-upon person’s white knight either.

I would date someone with a facial difference, however I wouldn't date someone who fights, gets arrested, messes around with gangs and is violent 🤷‍♀️

@SlightlyAjar that was the only time he ever got arrested, most of the gang ran off but two of them had to get taken away in an ambulance and rushed to hospital. He said there was at least ten of them ganging up on one person, he did some prison time for it but got released because this gang has been known to attack people including women. One of the people who he put in hospital was apparently just out of prison after raping a woman

Hmm. I have a cleft lip and palate and therefore am inclined to pick up on the language you're using firstly. Disfigurement is an awful word to use and he sounds like he has a lot of trauma. Hospital stays, bullying and perhaps picking up on parental shame/disappointment will all feed into how he has coped with having a difference.
I have in the past been very angry and this has led me to trouble. People have been absolutely terrible to me but get away with it due to my extreme reaction.

He needs therapy to manage his own reactions to others as sadly, others will never change. He does not need to be all meek and mild to make himself smaller but he does need to find a balance somewhere. He would probably give anything to not have a difference on his face at all, I certainly would but unfortunately he will need to accept it via therapy of self love.

He needs to stop fighting with the world and use his good points to his advantage. Of which there sounds to be many - he is solvent and fit and healthy, albeit he sounds like he is very, very damaged.

EMDR is good, or CAT. If he has or had a team who helped with surgeries, he should still be able to refer in and obtain these on the NHS.