Argument in public

[Monkeys120]

Hi, just after some advice/thoughts. Husband used to have an anger problem but seems a lot better and does try really hard now. But the other day he got really angry again and I'm feeling confused and sad but also maybe it's my fault.

We went to London for the day with our children . Our teenager was being very rude to me and saying horrible things. This was in a cafe. I was very upset . My husband got angry at him and called him a prick , really loudly and shouted at him to fuck off multiple times. The cafe went quiet and people were looking. He threatened to write stuff about our son on Facebook because our son was saying he would do that to me. I said please don't to my husband and told him not to call him names. Husband slammed his phone down and shouted "fuck the lot of you . Make your own way home" and stormed out. Teenage son stormed off too separately.

Leaving me and my 11 and 12 year old sitting there in tears. I am a very shy and anxious person so getting yelled at in public was humiliating and I panicked because I don't know London and he had the underground tickets. I'm autistic so I find going places I don't know very anxiety provoking so I felt abandoned.

Anyway , we went outside and my son was gone. Refused to come back. I saw husband and I said he shouldn't have told son to fuck off because now he was gone, doesn't know London and has mild learning disabilities. Husband got angry again because he thought I was having a go at him. Anyway eventually it worked out , son came back , husband apologised to me.

I don't know whether to put this down to a one off ( despite a history of similar) or be more concerned. Was it my fault?

Thank you for your message. I agree I shouldn't have reacted to my son , I should have ignored it and then if he kept on give a consequence. I did move tables as I told him I didn't want to hear any more because it wasn't nice but he followed me to another table. Still, I should have handled it better. Which is why I'm blaming myself. If I had nipped it in the bud, my husband wouldn't have got involved. That's what keeps me stuck because I blame myself. I think I can't ask him to leave because I'm to blame.

I'm sorry you recognise this behaviour ( blaming someone and not taking responsibility). Did you manage to get out? How did you deal with it?

Honestly, it worries me that you are focussing so much on yourself.

It does not sound to me as if you were particularly at fault here. We can all look back and think 'oh, if only I'd done x and y my child wouldn't have had a tantrum/I wouldn't have risen to my child being rude' but it happens. You weren't the one causing a huge, visible public spectacle and making a child run off in the middle of London.

Since you're asking - this behaviour is very much what my parents do; I notice it. You cannot find fault with them because they will always snap back 'oh, but you do x and y which is worse'. It's because, to them, apologising is a sign of weakness. They are not actually sorry when they do something awful - they just want to be told it's ok. And one way to do that is a non-apology where they will say sorry, but insist everyone else is to blame too.

A normal person who'd done what your husband did, would be utterly mortified, and probably frightened that his child had rushed off in the middle of London. And he'd have been super apologetic to your other children, and to you.

It genuinely is abnormal that he isn't doing this and it should be a warning sign.