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Original poster

Argument in public

27 replies

Monkeys120 · 30/05/2026 21:47

Hi, just after some advice/thoughts. Husband used to have an anger problem but seems a lot better and does try really hard now. But the other day he got really angry again and I'm feeling confused and sad but also maybe it's my fault.

We went to London for the day with our children . Our teenager was being very rude to me and saying horrible things. This was in a cafe. I was very upset . My husband got angry at him and called him a prick , really loudly and shouted at him to fuck off multiple times. The cafe went quiet and people were looking. He threatened to write stuff about our son on Facebook because our son was saying he would do that to me. I said please don't to my husband and told him not to call him names. Husband slammed his phone down and shouted "fuck the lot of you . Make your own way home" and stormed out. Teenage son stormed off too separately.

Leaving me and my 11 and 12 year old sitting there in tears. I am a very shy and anxious person so getting yelled at in public was humiliating and I panicked because I don't know London and he had the underground tickets. I'm autistic so I find going places I don't know very anxiety provoking so I felt abandoned.

Anyway , we went outside and my son was gone. Refused to come back. I saw husband and I said he shouldn't have told son to fuck off because now he was gone, doesn't know London and has mild learning disabilities. Husband got angry again because he thought I was having a go at him. Anyway eventually it worked out , son came back , husband apologised to me.

I don't know whether to put this down to a one off ( despite a history of similar) or be more concerned. Was it my fault?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 30/05/2026 21:49

No it's not a one off. He used to have an anger problem and he still has an anger problem. Your son is copying him which is what happens if you stay in an abusive relationship.

AmethystDeceiver · 30/05/2026 21:50

No it wasn't your fault. Your husband is a grown man and should know better. It sounds like like a terrible situation to live in. You didn't cause this and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

I hope you find strength 🙏

AmethystDeceiver · 30/05/2026 21:50

No it wasn't your fault. Your husband is a grown man and should know better. It sounds like like a terrible situation to live in. You didn't cause this and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

I hope you find strength 🙏

1983Louise · 30/05/2026 21:50

It wasn't your fault, sounds like your husband needs to work on his anger problems. You son should have more respect for you, you deserve better x

Endofyear · 30/05/2026 22:02

It doesn't sound like a one off and you didn't do anything wrong. Your husband should control his temper, it's no wonder your teenage son behaves like that if his father is setting such a bad example.

What has your husband done to address his anger issues? Has he had therapy? Growing up with an angry parent can cause such harm to children, I think you need to think carefully about whether you should leave him and protect them from that harm - they deserve to live in a peaceful home and so do you.

FeistyFrankie · 30/05/2026 22:14

Hmm. It's incredibly hot at the moment, and London is incredibly stressful, even without the excessive temperatures. It sounds like things got out of hand.

As you say this has happened before, I think you need to make it really clear to your DH that this is completely unacceptable. He cannot lose it like that, regardless of the reason. Can he go and spend a few days at his parents', to give the rest of you some breathing space? And going forwards, would he consider some CBT or therapy to address his issues?

Sorry this happened to you OP. Hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 09:41

FeistyFrankie · 30/05/2026 22:14

Hmm. It's incredibly hot at the moment, and London is incredibly stressful, even without the excessive temperatures. It sounds like things got out of hand.

As you say this has happened before, I think you need to make it really clear to your DH that this is completely unacceptable. He cannot lose it like that, regardless of the reason. Can he go and spend a few days at his parents', to give the rest of you some breathing space? And going forwards, would he consider some CBT or therapy to address his issues?

Sorry this happened to you OP. Hope you feel better soon.

I have asked him to get help . He says he will only if our son does too. We've been turned down from family therapy. We did have support from Early help a few years ago but they won't help again. So I guess the only help would be the free 6 sessions of talking therapy you can get on NHS. I've asked him to do that before and he said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 09:45

Endofyear · 30/05/2026 22:02

It doesn't sound like a one off and you didn't do anything wrong. Your husband should control his temper, it's no wonder your teenage son behaves like that if his father is setting such a bad example.

What has your husband done to address his anger issues? Has he had therapy? Growing up with an angry parent can cause such harm to children, I think you need to think carefully about whether you should leave him and protect them from that harm - they deserve to live in a peaceful home and so do you.

It was me and my son who were bickering beforehand so I feel that I should take responsibility and if I had ignored him (son) then it wouldn't have escalated to my husband getting involved.

He won't get help as he thinks it's our son's problem although he has apologised to me and knows he shouldn't have yelled in public and at me and the two other children.

OP posts:
checkcheckcheckchick · 31/05/2026 09:46

You can get affordable family therapy from Relate. You all need help.

Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 09:49

WallaceinAnderland · 30/05/2026 21:49

No it's not a one off. He used to have an anger problem and he still has an anger problem. Your son is copying him which is what happens if you stay in an abusive relationship.

Our son has some developmental problems that he was born with so he loses temper easily. But I agree that he will copy his dad if his dad is doing this. I feel stuck because my husband has made so much progress so it was a shock for it to happen again and now he's gone back to his normal loving caring self

OP posts:
dewne · 31/05/2026 09:53

This is absolutely dreadful behaviour on both of your counts

Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 09:55

dewne · 31/05/2026 09:53

This is absolutely dreadful behaviour on both of your counts

Explain please. Yes me and son had bickered , that's normal it happens. I didn't call him names or shout etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 09:57

checkcheckcheckchick · 31/05/2026 09:46

You can get affordable family therapy from Relate. You all need help.

We have been turned down for family therapy.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 31/05/2026 10:05

Your husbands behaviour is totally unacceptable and if any of my male relatives spoke to my teenage son like that it would be a deal breaker for me. As a parent you lead by example and if this is they example your dh is setting your ds then no wonder he is being rude and horrible to you. Your dh sounds like an arsehole, what sort of manchild says he will only get help if your son does too? He is the bloody adult in this situation. Have a very long hard think about why you want to stay with this man, I wouldn't be tolerating any of this behaviour.

The way to deal with a teenager being rude is to calmly and consistently set boundaries not be rude and nasty to them. What was he being rude yo you about op?

You say you've been turned away from family therapy, why is this?

dewne · 31/05/2026 10:12

If you really can't see what's appalling about that behaviour whether in private or in public then your relationship with both of them is very odd

Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 10:16

dewne · 31/05/2026 10:12

If you really can't see what's appalling about that behaviour whether in private or in public then your relationship with both of them is very odd

That's not what I meant. There's no need to be rude. I'm asking you to explain what you meant by "both of you". What is it you think I've done that is appalling ? It can happen with teens. I never called names or anything like that. I told my husband to stop. I did what I could.

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 10:19

WonderingWanda · 31/05/2026 10:05

Your husbands behaviour is totally unacceptable and if any of my male relatives spoke to my teenage son like that it would be a deal breaker for me. As a parent you lead by example and if this is they example your dh is setting your ds then no wonder he is being rude and horrible to you. Your dh sounds like an arsehole, what sort of manchild says he will only get help if your son does too? He is the bloody adult in this situation. Have a very long hard think about why you want to stay with this man, I wouldn't be tolerating any of this behaviour.

The way to deal with a teenager being rude is to calmly and consistently set boundaries not be rude and nasty to them. What was he being rude yo you about op?

You say you've been turned away from family therapy, why is this?

He ( son) wasn't being very nice about my autism. I told him it wasn't nice to make fun of it and that I would never do it to him.

Family therapy won't help because of husband behaviour. They say it wouldn't be safe. He would need individual therapy first

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 10:24

I will add that I'm in therapy myself and we are on a waiting list for NVR therapy to help with behaviour from son and to help us communicate better.

OP posts:
checkcheckcheckchick · 31/05/2026 10:29

Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 09:57

We have been turned down for family therapy.

Show quote history

I dont understand, how can you be turned down? You can just apply privately with Relate? We did it recently to help our children communicate with each other better. It’s very affordable.

Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 10:32

checkcheckcheckchick · 31/05/2026 10:29

I dont understand, how can you be turned down? You can just apply privately with Relate? We did it recently to help our children communicate with each other better. It’s very affordable.

Show quote history

They won't help if they seem a member of the family unsafe. That person needs individual therapy first before they will offer family therapy. Which is what I'm trying to do. I'm already in therapy but I'm trying to get husband to get some.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 31/05/2026 10:33

Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 10:19

He ( son) wasn't being very nice about my autism. I told him it wasn't nice to make fun of it and that I would never do it to him.

Family therapy won't help because of husband behaviour. They say it wouldn't be safe. He would need individual therapy first

Show quote history

Based on this update I strongly suggest you leave this man. Then you can engage in therapy with just you and your children.

In future when your son is being rude to you. Calmly state once that it isn't acceptable and then communicate a consequence if he doesn't stop e.g he will lose his phone for the rest of the day or weekend / won't get to to to (somewhere he wanted to visit) /will have to go home early. Be realistic with the consequences, you don't want to ruin everyone else's day out too. Use language such as "I don't like the way you are speaking to me, I would like you to stop otherwise I will be confiscating your phone" he is likely to backchat more but ignore it....this is really important, totally blank him and give it a few minutes. If he calms down and stops then change the subject to something nice and when he engages nicely praise him for making a good choice " ds, thank you for making the right choice there, that was really grown up". If he doubles down and carries on being nasty "I'm really disappointed by your behaviour ds, I asked you to stop being unkind and you've carried on so now you are going to lose your phone for the rest of the day". If he refuses to hand over then say "Well, that's your choice but just know that I won't be renewing your contract if you make that choice so think very carefully about what you do next". You can't force a teenager to make the right choice and in the moment it is easy to panic when they are defiant but ultimately you are the parent and you have the power.

checkcheckcheckchick · 31/05/2026 10:35

Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 10:32

They won't help if they seem a member of the family unsafe. That person needs individual therapy first before they will offer family therapy. Which is what I'm trying to do. I'm already in therapy but I'm trying to get husband to get some.

Show quote history

Yikes. I hope you get the help you all need.

Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 10:36

I know some of you are suggesting I leave but then some people think I'm just as bad so it wouldn't be fair to make husband leave and me to stay. As already stated I'm in therapy, and we are both going to do NVR therapy. I don't know what else to do. It's rare for husband to act like this . He's very loving caring normally

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 31/05/2026 10:46

Based on your account I can't see what you did that was wrong. It's may not ideal to have been bickering with your son, but it's not awful.

Your son shouldn't be saying horrible things to you, but your husband's reaction was completely out of order. The fact he doesn't recognise that - especially since he was the adult in the situation - is really worrying.

I'm afraid I really recognise (in a bad way) the type of person who is only able to admit they are out of order by claiming someone else is just as bad. It's not a good trait. He's the one mainly at fault here. He ought to be mortified he caused a scene and made your child storm off like that.

Original poster
Monkeys120 · 31/05/2026 10:51

WonderingWanda · 31/05/2026 10:33

Based on this update I strongly suggest you leave this man. Then you can engage in therapy with just you and your children.

In future when your son is being rude to you. Calmly state once that it isn't acceptable and then communicate a consequence if he doesn't stop e.g he will lose his phone for the rest of the day or weekend / won't get to to to (somewhere he wanted to visit) /will have to go home early. Be realistic with the consequences, you don't want to ruin everyone else's day out too. Use language such as "I don't like the way you are speaking to me, I would like you to stop otherwise I will be confiscating your phone" he is likely to backchat more but ignore it....this is really important, totally blank him and give it a few minutes. If he calms down and stops then change the subject to something nice and when he engages nicely praise him for making a good choice " ds, thank you for making the right choice there, that was really grown up". If he doubles down and carries on being nasty "I'm really disappointed by your behaviour ds, I asked you to stop being unkind and you've carried on so now you are going to lose your phone for the rest of the day". If he refuses to hand over then say "Well, that's your choice but just know that I won't be renewing your contract if you make that choice so think very carefully about what you do next". You can't force a teenager to make the right choice and in the moment it is easy to panic when they are defiant but ultimately you are the parent and you have the power.

Show quote history

Thank you. Yes I agree with what you've said, being firm and consistent with boundaries is important.

I've asked husband to ring GP tomorrow to get some help. He said ok but wants our son to get help too.Our son has had some help from cahms and early help before, so not sure what else there is. I do read up on things so I may look for a suitable book that may help too.

Thank you

OP posts: