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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give me relationship advice!

30 replies

April5647 · 30/05/2026 10:16

Married and two children and been together 12 years. When I first met him I completely adored him, I moved areas, lost touch with friends, put my whole self into him, I just desperately wanted to make it work. At the start he kept his options open and was still dating which he did behind my back, he had a message on his phone one day, turned out he’d still been seeing 4 other people. He’s absolutely gorgeous and successful, in turn I think now it’s made him quite selfish and self centred. I’m a complete giver and all I wanted him to do was feel the same as I did about him. Now I’m older and wiser, I was completely deluded thinking that way.

We have separate bank accounts (I know, I know) those were the terms if we got married and I agreed. He earns a hell of a lot more than me, and I’m struggling financially, he’s told me to get a better paid job. We’ve no mortgage and no debt. We pay joint bills and I’m left with little money - I am trying to get a better paid job. I do everything in the house, and for the children. I don’t want to break up the family, but whenever I talk and try to explain how I feel, and how I don’t feel like this is a joint thing, he shuts me down, won’t talk and just says if I earnt more money I wouldn’t be so miserable about everything else. Which I suppose he’s right now I’ve typed this. I can’t afford anything for myself, my birthday and Christmas has already gone, which is the only time I get any treats. He’s constantly having parcels delivered and it’s always designer clothing (I don’t want designer clothing by the way just putting it into context)

As I’m getting older I realise there’s no emotional compassion from him, there’s no empathy, years of trying to talk and getting nowhere, I’ve just always shut down, carried on alone and got on with it, but I’m finding myself getting upset more and more with things, I’m crying for no reason, I’m quieter than ever, but I just feel pathetic talking about it in real life to anyone because I don’t really know what the problem is.

Im fragile, but I want opinions please, even if it’s hard for me to swallow.

OP posts:
Motnight · 30/05/2026 10:20

I think that financially and emotionally you would be better off without him, Op. Get some legal advice. Good luck.

SlightlyAjar · 30/05/2026 10:22

What do you mean you ‘don’t know what the problem is’? Respectfully, OP, it’s not that complicated. You married a dud who mistreats you.

Somethingbland · 30/05/2026 10:24

Well what a nasty selfish piece of work he sounds OP.
It sounds like he is financially abusive OP . And he doesnt appear to have any love or care for you.
You should get legal advice and divorce him OP.

Original poster
April5647 · 30/05/2026 10:25

I think I’m too “in it” to see the wood for the trees. It’s been like this so long it feels normal, but I don’t talk about relationships with friends, I just try and get on with life for the kids sake. All I know is I’m extremely sad.

OP posts:
Strawberry53 · 30/05/2026 10:26

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re being very badly treated in your marriage. When you get married you become a family and any wealth should be shared within the family, end of. Of course big purchases need discussion but it’s not just one persons choice how the money is spent.

It is absolutely awful that he is buying himself whatever he wants and you get nothing. It’s cruel and just quite mean to be honest. You’re not overreacting at all by the way, anyone would be upset by that. I would say it’s a form of emotional abuse to buy what he wants and put you down by saying get a better job when you’re the one doing the bulk of the childcare and domestic labour. Raising children and keeping the house in order is WORK.

OP you get one precious life. You deserve a partner who loves you unconditionally, thinks you deserve the world, and respects the labour you do in the home. He is none of this. I would make plans to leave.

SlightlyAjar · 30/05/2026 10:28

April5647 · 30/05/2026 10:25

I think I’m too “in it” to see the wood for the trees. It’s been like this so long it feels normal, but I don’t talk about relationships with friends, I just try and get on with life for the kids sake. All I know is I’m extremely sad.

And you don’t think it’s bad for your children to grow up thinking this is what a normal marriage looks like? To have a permanently sad mother?

ForTipsyFinch · 30/05/2026 10:29

You can’t be serious when you say you don’t know what the issue is?

I'm not trying to be proactive btw - I’m just a bit confused by that statement after you have detailed what an insufferable person he is.

Also, going 50/50 with a man who significantly out earns you, does no childcare/house stuff is incredibly foolish and you should stop this arrangement immediately.

aquashiv · 30/05/2026 10:33

Divorce him see a solicitor
You will be happier

GustyGoo · 30/05/2026 10:34

You poor thing, you deserve a lot more than this, but you’ve been treated like this for so long it might be difficult to see that yourself. I’m sorry op, but he won’t change…. Get out of this situation and in the future you’ll meet someone kind. Someone that deserves you.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 30/05/2026 10:37

I'm sorry OP but there's no love between you. He clearly doesn't love you as he's abusing you emotionally and financially. But also, you don't love him. You may think you do, but you don't. You love an imaginary version of him. The real version of him is a mean, cruel, uncaring, unsupportive, bad father and terrible partner. You can't possibly love that.

inkognitha · 30/05/2026 10:39

The private agreement you had when you married doesn't matter.

If you are legally married, assets are held jointly, that is one of the great advantages of marriage.

Whatever he says, thinks or acts, you are legally entitled to a share of his assets/income/pension in case of a divorce, especially if you're looking after the children. And you would probably get a much better financial deal than you are getting from him now.

Gather his financial info, go talk to a lawyer or a charity, say nothing.

AhBiscuits · 30/05/2026 10:41

I'm surprised you're so skint when you don't have any housing costs.

It doesn't really sound like a marriage, you're living very separate lives. What is he bringing to the relationship?

Icedvanillacoffee · 30/05/2026 10:41

Hi OP,
I am so sorry you feel sad. Please listen to the wise women here. Take some time to think over the advice offered.
People come in such extreme shades of variety. Your husband though is a fairly simple character isnt he? He is selfish and cold, it seems to me.
Have you tried to visualise what it would be like to wake up in a home just you and your children without him?

Original poster
April5647 · 30/05/2026 11:01

I’m so grateful for all your advice, I’ve had to go and have another cry, mainly about me being so blind and foolish. Thank you all. I’m going to start getting my ducks in a row x

OP posts:
1983Louise · 30/05/2026 11:15

It's awful, you deserve better than this, I think he's cruel and certainly not my idea of a loving husband x

Stoicandhappy · 30/05/2026 11:16

If he is self employed, I would try to dig out some evidence of how much he earns. Also see if you can locate savings/pensions/shares info.

Beyond that, divorce this selfish man. You will be so much happier without him. 💐

Firefly100 · 30/05/2026 11:28

Well, the problem is you married a selfish bastard bluntly. I think I’d be tempted to tell him I’ve got a great new job however it will mean working away 4 days/week but the pay is great. When he asks what about the kids - don’t know, I won’t be here but I’m sure you’ll figure something out like I did all these years.
In fact, thinking about my flippant remark, I would actually be seriously tempted to look for that well paid job irrespective of the commitments I have then tell him it is his turn to fit the children and house into his life like I did for the last x years - I need to concentrate on MY earning power for a while.
Depending on ages of the children I might move out alone to stay with a freund or family - or even short term rent - for a month or two to ram the point home. Then I suspect he will be keen to talk about how to compromise. But tbh, I would not be willing to remain with a man who treated me like that. Might be nice to sort out my earning power first though and mess up his.

Goatsarebest · 30/05/2026 11:30

Agree that you should leave for your sake and importantly for the sake of your children.
But these type of men do not just say, 'fine, here's half of the assets enjoy your new life'.
It's highly likely he will become nasty. Hide assets, emotionally manipulate you, threaten to take the children (they rarely, if ever, do) and so on. You need to get some advice IRL and as much support as possible. But you can do it. Thousands do and live happier lives afterwards.

Itiswhysofew · 30/05/2026 11:37

From what you've said here, you're with someone who doesn't have respect for you and maybe doesn't even like you. He's happy to let you carry the family load, work full time and suffer through lack of support and the sharing of responsibilities. That's not how a relationship is supposed to be.

Give yourself a break and move on to a better life. You don't need to be miserable staying and hoping that things will improve.

Hope you manage to have a restful weekend Flowers

blacksax · 30/05/2026 11:37

Firefly100 · 30/05/2026 11:28

Well, the problem is you married a selfish bastard bluntly. I think I’d be tempted to tell him I’ve got a great new job however it will mean working away 4 days/week but the pay is great. When he asks what about the kids - don’t know, I won’t be here but I’m sure you’ll figure something out like I did all these years.
In fact, thinking about my flippant remark, I would actually be seriously tempted to look for that well paid job irrespective of the commitments I have then tell him it is his turn to fit the children and house into his life like I did for the last x years - I need to concentrate on MY earning power for a while.
Depending on ages of the children I might move out alone to stay with a freund or family - or even short term rent - for a month or two to ram the point home. Then I suspect he will be keen to talk about how to compromise. But tbh, I would not be willing to remain with a man who treated me like that. Might be nice to sort out my earning power first though and mess up his.

That makes it sound like you are saying it's the OP's own fault for marrying a selfish bastard. As if she knew at the time what he would become.

blacksax · 30/05/2026 11:38

Firefly100 · 30/05/2026 11:28

Well, the problem is you married a selfish bastard bluntly. I think I’d be tempted to tell him I’ve got a great new job however it will mean working away 4 days/week but the pay is great. When he asks what about the kids - don’t know, I won’t be here but I’m sure you’ll figure something out like I did all these years.
In fact, thinking about my flippant remark, I would actually be seriously tempted to look for that well paid job irrespective of the commitments I have then tell him it is his turn to fit the children and house into his life like I did for the last x years - I need to concentrate on MY earning power for a while.
Depending on ages of the children I might move out alone to stay with a freund or family - or even short term rent - for a month or two to ram the point home. Then I suspect he will be keen to talk about how to compromise. But tbh, I would not be willing to remain with a man who treated me like that. Might be nice to sort out my earning power first though and mess up his.

That makes it sound like you are saying it's the OP's own fault for marrying a selfish bastard. As if she knew at the time what he would become.

category12 · 30/05/2026 12:58

blacksax · 30/05/2026 11:38

That makes it sound like you are saying it's the OP's own fault for marrying a selfish bastard. As if she knew at the time what he would become.

Show quote history

Well, it doesn't sound like he has changed to be honest, just the OP was so in love she thought having him on his terms would be enough (or that he might return her love at the same level eventually), but that hasn't happened and such an uneven relationship is just not sustainable. It's easy to fool yourself like this when young and infatuated. I think having children and getting older breaks the hormonal spell for many.

I'm sorry OP, but I'm also glad for you that you're seeing the light and that you deserve better than this.

You always have deserved better than this .

Divorce the guy. He should pay a decent whack of child support if he's so well-paid, and make sure you get your proper share of the assets. Get a decent solicitor.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/05/2026 13:24

He doesn't love you, he didn't right from the start. He's made that perfectly clear from the early days of the relationship, but you decided the crumbs he gave you were enough.

It was a stupid decision, and you can't change it now. But just because you made a stupid decision years ago, doesn't mean you have to keep maintaining that stupid decision every day for the rest of your life. You can leave. Yes, it'll be hard, and you probably won't have any more money, but you won't be spending the rest of your life with a cruel and unfeeling man who doesn't love you, and it'll give you a chance at happiness.

moderate · 30/05/2026 13:58

You are going to be so much better off divorced.

Try to get a good picture of his finances if you can before he gets wind of your plans.

Contact Women’s Aid and tell them about the economic abuse — they will advise you.