Please give me relationship advice!

[April5647]

Married and two children and been together 12 years. When I first met him I completely adored him, I moved areas, lost touch with friends, put my whole self into him, I just desperately wanted to make it work. At the start he kept his options open and was still dating which he did behind my back, he had a message on his phone one day, turned out he’d still been seeing 4 other people. He’s absolutely gorgeous and successful, in turn I think now it’s made him quite selfish and self centred. I’m a complete giver and all I wanted him to do was feel the same as I did about him. Now I’m older and wiser, I was completely deluded thinking that way.

We have separate bank accounts (I know, I know) those were the terms if we got married and I agreed. He earns a hell of a lot more than me, and I’m struggling financially, he’s told me to get a better paid job. We’ve no mortgage and no debt. We pay joint bills and I’m left with little money - I am trying to get a better paid job. I do everything in the house, and for the children. I don’t want to break up the family, but whenever I talk and try to explain how I feel, and how I don’t feel like this is a joint thing, he shuts me down, won’t talk and just says if I earnt more money I wouldn’t be so miserable about everything else. Which I suppose he’s right now I’ve typed this. I can’t afford anything for myself, my birthday and Christmas has already gone, which is the only time I get any treats. He’s constantly having parcels delivered and it’s always designer clothing (I don’t want designer clothing by the way just putting it into context)

As I’m getting older I realise there’s no emotional compassion from him, there’s no empathy, years of trying to talk and getting nowhere, I’ve just always shut down, carried on alone and got on with it, but I’m finding myself getting upset more and more with things, I’m crying for no reason, I’m quieter than ever, but I just feel pathetic talking about it in real life to anyone because I don’t really know what the problem is.

Im fragile, but I want opinions please, even if it’s hard for me to swallow.

I think that financially and emotionally you would be better off without him, Op. Get some legal advice. Good luck.

What do you mean you ‘don’t know what the problem is’? Respectfully, OP, it’s not that complicated. You married a dud who mistreats you.

Well what a nasty selfish piece of work he sounds OP.
It sounds like he is financially abusive OP . And he doesnt appear to have any love or care for you.
You should get legal advice and divorce him OP.

I think I’m too “in it” to see the wood for the trees. It’s been like this so long it feels normal, but I don’t talk about relationships with friends, I just try and get on with life for the kids sake. All I know is I’m extremely sad.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re being very badly treated in your marriage. When you get married you become a family and any wealth should be shared within the family, end of. Of course big purchases need discussion but it’s not just one persons choice how the money is spent.

It is absolutely awful that he is buying himself whatever he wants and you get nothing. It’s cruel and just quite mean to be honest. You’re not overreacting at all by the way, anyone would be upset by that. I would say it’s a form of emotional abuse to buy what he wants and put you down by saying get a better job when you’re the one doing the bulk of the childcare and domestic labour. Raising children and keeping the house in order is WORK.

OP you get one precious life. You deserve a partner who loves you unconditionally, thinks you deserve the world, and respects the labour you do in the home. He is none of this. I would make plans to leave.

It is economic abuse and it is illegal.
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/

And you don’t think it’s bad for your children to grow up thinking this is what a normal marriage looks like? To have a permanently sad mother?

You can’t be serious when you say you don’t know what the issue is?

I'm not trying to be proactive btw - I’m just a bit confused by that statement after you have detailed what an insufferable person he is.

Also, going 50/50 with a man who significantly out earns you, does no childcare/house stuff is incredibly foolish and you should stop this arrangement immediately.

Divorce him see a solicitor
You will be happier

You poor thing, you deserve a lot more than this, but you’ve been treated like this for so long it might be difficult to see that yourself. I’m sorry op, but he won’t change…. Get out of this situation and in the future you’ll meet someone kind. Someone that deserves you.

I'm sorry OP but there's no love between you. He clearly doesn't love you as he's abusing you emotionally and financially. But also, you don't love him. You may think you do, but you don't. You love an imaginary version of him. The real version of him is a mean, cruel, uncaring, unsupportive, bad father and terrible partner. You can't possibly love that.