Staying in an unhappy relationship because my emetophobia makes parenting harder

[PeppyAnt]

I feel so lost and trapped. I suffer with emetophobia I’ve had this since I can remember, I’m now 43. Day to day I manage well, until one of my children are unwell and I honestly feel like I can’t cope, even being in the same room as them when they feel sick or being sick is too much for me. Even when one of my children say they have a tummy ache this can set my anxiety off. I guess I’ve heavily replied on my partner during stomach bugs and he has taken the lead. Although my partner is a great father, our relationship feels over, we’ve been together for 15 years but we don’t connect anymore, I feel like I live with a house mate and have never felt as lonely as I do now. I really don’t feel like I’d manage on my own with my phobia and therefore have stayed in this relationship, I’ve tried every therapy going and spent thousands of pounds. Is there any other sufferers out there and how do you cope? Please be kind to me, I know this phobia may sound ridiculous to most but it can control so many aspects of your life

I’m still married but I completely understand.

100%. I cannot look after my children when they are vomiting. I, too, have spent thousands on therapy, and thankfully my children are old enough now to know that it’s not personal.

No advice, but solidarity.

Have you sought treatment for your emetophobia OP?
Edited to say sorry I have reread your post and I see that you have.

Thank you, this message means a lot

has there never been a time when you’ve had the kids on your own though?

A little word of hope - I also had emetophobia, it was quite dreadful when the children were young and I really struggled (and used an enormous amount of bleach). But post-menopause it really seems to have improved hugely. I have no idea why, I didn't do anything - unless it's down to no longer having small children, but I don't dread being sick myself any more either. So maybe you will age-out of it like I have.

Hey! I wanted to send solidarity!
I was you! But I was a single parent so unfortunately I just HAD to get on with it.
And whilst I still get anxious about it and its awful when its happening, I know its short lived and weve managed before and got thru the other side!

I know this probably doesnt help because its basically telling you to just get on with it. But thats what I had to do and it means I knoe I can deal with it and im not a prisoner to it any longer!

I never had children because of it and I deeply regret it now.
I paid for private trauma treatment called EMDR which had helped me hugely.
It is an awful condition. At one point I couldn’t leave the house.
Just wanted to offer support and tell you that you are not alone.

Do you mean generally on my own or when they are sick?
Generally on way own- yes, this doesn’t stop the level of anxiety I have though worrying that something might happen (it rarely does!)

On my own when they have physically been sick, maybe once, think I’ve just been lucky that my partner has always been at home on these rare occasions, plus we both WFH so tend to tag team!

Thank you! I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. I do agree, if I was faced with the situation I’d have no choice but to get on with it, sometimes the thoughts can be worse then the actual event itself! Thank you for being so understanding

The same happened to me. I had been sick only twice in my life up until the age of 21 so it was a huge scary thing for me to even consider. I would have to leave the room if someone felt queasy.
i would get anxiety about it. It would panic me.

then I had a baby and the pregnancy nausea and all the milky baby vomit sort of cured me. I don’t freak out now. Like I outgrew the issue. It used to be huge and now the issue has like faded.

Thank you! I’m pleased it feels lighter for you, it gives me hope! x

Sorry to hear how hard this was for you, it really can be terrible. I will look into that treatment so thank you. It’s so sad that it can affect decisions like having children

You say you've tried therapy - have you tried anti-anxiety medication? It's not going to cure a phobia, but it could massively help with the wider anxiety you have around the issue (the 'being scared something might happen to make you scared' - sorry if that sounds condescending, it's the best way I can think of to put it!)

I was on anti anxiety medication in the past, but I’m talking years and years ago, I think it’s something to re consider though so thank you

I would also recommend this. I have really severe IBS and it has caused terrible anxiety for me. It got to the point where I was scared to go out. I now take propranolol - this is a beta blocker which works on the physical symptoms and basically prevents an anxiety attack. This has made a huge difference to me and I would really urge you to consider this. You can take it when symptoms occur, or any time you’re worried that you may panic.
I really feel for you. Anxiety is awful but there are things you can try to

I do think if it was a long time ago you last tried anti-anxiety medication it could be worth a go if it's ruling your life to this extent. Medication and therapy can be a particularly beneficial combination, as the medicatiok can help you reach a point where you're actually able to fully engage in the therapy in a way you just can't when you're really acutely anxious constantly. Also - it occurred to me this might be an issue given your emetophobia - they do have newer drugs that give far fewer side effects such as nausea.

So pleased these situations feel lighter for you, that really is amazing

My son had meningitis and I could not be left alone with him when he was going through the early vomiting stages. I would have been unable to help him with the horrible cardboard bowls. However, the nurses were very understanding and my husband and parents supported me so well to ensure I was never completely alone with him.

I will also add my emetophobia is directly linked to my father throwing up all over me age 5. Drenched me. So I’ve never needed the therapy to unravel the why. It traumatised me. I’ll never get over it. I enter a state of panic when my children say they have sore tummies. I can stand outside the door and whisper words of encouragement, but I cannot be with them.

How old are the kids op?

Thank you, I think your right and it’s a good starting point to just try and calm everything down

Thank you, I agree this could benefit me and will 100% look into it!

They are 11 and 6

This sounds very difficult, you must’ve found it very hard when your child was in hospital, I hope things are better for them now and they’ve fully recovered. It’s a very difficult thing to navigate through

Then they are not that far off being able to cope fairly well by themselves when they are sick. I think mine got to about twelve before they would know their own bodies so could take themselves off to the loo when they knew they were going to be sick. My emetophobia was linked to loss of control (and passed on to me from my mother...) and once there was a little less of the 'my tummy hur,,,,blurrrugh' I found it easier to cope with.

I do think as mine get older it will feel easier! Generally in myself I’m loads better, but when it comes to the kids I still find that aspect difficult. Mine 100% links to a lack of control