How many times a week does your other half go out with friends?

[littlelongstockings]

I just had a bit of a debate with DH as he seems to be going out with his friends 2-3, sometimes 4 evenings a week recently and when he is not out with them they are constantly calling him for a chat, asking what he is doing etc.

we have one young DC who has Autism so higher needs. DH often goes out with his friends once DC is in bed but then I am left alone feeling lonely. He probably goes out once a week whilst DC is still awake.

I would like to think I am lenient and I encourage him to have friendships and to do things he enjoys. He often goes on holiday with them for 4-5 days in a row and I don’t mind. I wouldn’t mind him meeting up with them once or twice a week but it just feels too much at the moment.

when I spoke to him and told him I missed him he said I was “guilt tripping him” I’m really not, I just wanted to let him know my feelings.

bow often does your other half go out with friends? Am I being unreasonable?

DH and I probably have one evening out a week each on average but most of those are work-related. Pure social evening? Maybe once a month or so.

He should be going out with his friends as often as you go out with yours but I suspect that doesn’t happen, he’s acting like he’s single and being very entitled

About four times a year

How old is your DC? I have a now-15 year old with autism and medium needs now (higher needs up util about 3 years ao). In the past year we have more freedom. DH goes out with friends rarely, but it tends to be grouped in summer as that is when his hobby really sets in. So he would go out about 2-3 times a week then. I have a nice friendship group and I would say now 2 a week all year round- but usually for lunch or immediately after work.

But we would make sure it's okay with the other person. And certainly we had a solid 1-13 years where neither of us went out.

I don't agree with this either. What if they were both out 3 or 4 times a week, that's every single night a child is without both parents, that's not family life then is it, what would be the point?

I think an average of one or twice a week is fine OP.

My ex would go out 3 or 4 times a week sometimes but then he was leading a whole double life i knew nothing about.

It's not guilt tripping him to hope that heceould want some family time fgs.

What are you getting out of this arrangement?

Same!!

I think everyone is better off seeing friends regularly but I suppose nightly and you not getting time with him/ he’s dodging seeing the kids then it’s unfair to you. I push dh to see his friends more as I feel so much better when I see mine but they’re too far away.

Rarely. Same as me.

@WeAreNotOutnumberedour DC is 5 so very young still. DC is currently out of school as couldn’t cope in mainstream so I gave up my job and I am home educating them until we find a suitable placement. I see friends about once a week but that’s during the day with my DC and their kids not on my own.

Dh only goes out for a few hours twice a month and I usually go with him!
I go out a lot more than he does.
We tend to either go out together or together with friends.
Ex h used to go out a lot, leaving me to watch our young children. This was the cause of all our arguments.
Hence the ex.

DH wouldn’t mind me going out to see friends but as someone in their 30s with a busy life I wouldn’t want to go out 3 or 4 times a week in the evenings! I also want to spend time with DH not all my time with friends.

I see a friend one Saturday a month. Dh has no friends...
Happily spend all our time together except working hours!

DH doesn’t go out at all without me, except for bike rides 2 or 3 times a week. I do sometimes worry that he hasn’t got friends but it doesn’t bother him. He gets on well with my friends & family.

@researchers3 My point wasn’t that OP should be going out 3-4 times a week but that her other half was taking the mickey and acting like a single man and there is no equality

It doesn't really matter what everyone else's norm is, because if half said it was the same amount as your DH, you still wouldn't be happy.

What does he do with his friends 3 or 4 times a week? Drinking at bars, or hanging out at their houses and if so, what do they do there? Are most of his friends single? How long have you been married? Did he have this same social life while you two were dating, or not? Does he seem stressed in his parenting role or does he enjoy your child? How often does he do those 4 or 5 day holidays and what do they do on vacation? Is it expensive? Is it unwise spending?

It's not surprising that you're upset since you feel an imbalance regarding time together and time apart.

I'll probably have extra advice if you choose to answer the questions I asked, but regardless, even if you don't want to hang out with friends in the evening, I think you owe yourself a few hours one evening a week to get out of the house for some alone time. Some ideas: Going to the library and do some reading or flipping through magazines. Taking a weekly watercolor/acrylic/oil painting class. Yoga or dance exercise class.

If you know someone whom you trust as a sitter, tell your DH you want to take turns with him planning a weekly or monthly date.

I do think it's concerning how he spoke to you when you said you missed him. That's usually the best way to address a situation, stating how you feel. It's not like you started blaming him in a way where he'd feel attacked, like saying: You never...

Usually, when you're reasonable in a request, he will want to please you if he truly cares. Do you think he's losing a spark with you? Do you think he's capable of being unfaithful?

You deserve better treatment. I hope things improve, but it won't happen if the effort is one-sided.

DH goes out 2-4 times per week BUT it’s for footie and other hobbies so one night it’s about 3 hours then the others just over an hour but then he spends an hour or so in the bath afterwards 🙄

When the DC were young he rarely missed their bedtimes etc.

To be out with friends 3-4 evenings a week seems a lot to me. It sounds like he prefers life outside the family to life inside the family. I would say 1 evening per week or even 1 evening per fortnight.

Taking into consideration how often he sees his friends (+holidays) he sounds "single" to me...

Same

My DH goes out with friends about twice a week. I do similar. I think it's healthy. It sounds like he wouldn't object to you doing the same and while you might not want to go out with friends you could do something else for some time to yourself if that's what you want? You could go to the gym or even just have a bath while your DH looks after the kids? 4 times does seem like a lot as it's more than half the week. I think 3 would be reasonable.

Your use of the word "lenient" seems odd to me

We both go out about 8 times per year!

Sorry just seen he also goes on holiday with them regularly. He sounds single and childfree!

@ScorpionLioness79He has a very fast car which he loves, he usually goes out driving around with his friends in the evenings, or he goes to their houses and they change/fix things on their cars. Occasionally he might go to watch football. Most of his friends are single, some have partners but DH is the only one with a child, DH was 25 when DC was born so I sometimes wonder if he hadn’t finished doing things for himself when she was born, even though he wanted and agreed to have DC. We have been married for 7 years, together for 12. No he very rarely went out with friends when we first got together, he only really met these friends about 7 years ago so it has been since then. He seems to adore DC and is very good/present when he is with her and doesn’t seem stressed, he has a good job so no money worries etc. He tends to go on holiday around 3 times a year with friends or to visit family who live abroad, not overly expensive holidays but not cheap either but like I said money isn’t an issue so I don’t mind that.

he’s not the best at talking about feelings so his go to is “why are you guilt tripping me” when I’m really not. I did say to him tonight I feel like he would rather be with his friends instead of me and he replied with “of course I wouldn’t” apparently they ask him to go out almost every day and he turns them down.

The number of times is a red herring.

Is your free time = his free time and do you have money to use for that?

I wouldn't say either of us see our friends (apart from work friends or neighbours) on a weekly basis but I guess it depends on your age? DH probably goes out with a friend 2 or 3 times a month and nowadays I probably do less but 15 years ago it was the other way around. Either way 2 to 3 times a week is a lot if you have young kids especially if you need extra support. Sounds to me like he is hiding away so he doesn't have to deal with things at home?