How many times a week does your other half go out with friends?

[littlelongstockings]

I just had a bit of a debate with DH as he seems to be going out with his friends 2-3, sometimes 4 evenings a week recently and when he is not out with them they are constantly calling him for a chat, asking what he is doing etc.

we have one young DC who has Autism so higher needs. DH often goes out with his friends once DC is in bed but then I am left alone feeling lonely. He probably goes out once a week whilst DC is still awake.

I would like to think I am lenient and I encourage him to have friendships and to do things he enjoys. He often goes on holiday with them for 4-5 days in a row and I don’t mind. I wouldn’t mind him meeting up with them once or twice a week but it just feels too much at the moment.

when I spoke to him and told him I missed him he said I was “guilt tripping him” I’m really not, I just wanted to let him know my feelings.

bow often does your other half go out with friends? Am I being unreasonable?

For a lot of the year, he doesn’t. From about October to February, he goes out once a week. I wish he did see his friends more, he’s got loads of really great friends but work work work!
I never really go out anymore. We’ve a four year old and a one year old and, again, husband works all the time and we’ve very little family help so practicalities aren’t too straightforward. And to be honest, most of my hobbies are home based (horses, gardening, reading, embroidery etc 👵🏻) so I don’t have hobbies to go out for and I’m teetotal and frankly completely over the bar/club scene so there’s no appeal there either!
Anyway, now I’ve written heaps 😂
Once or twice a week seems reasonable generally I think. Any more than that and I think it gets a bit much, because how can you keep that fair on both parents without getting to a situation where you would then very rarely m have time when you’re both at home?

Number of times is sort of irrelevant here because 2 of our dc are adults and the other is a teen. Dh goes out for a couple of hours on a Friday, from about 5-7, gets stuff for dinner and stops in at the pub for a couple of pints. He may also have another actual proper night out once a month or so. Most other times he goes out he’s with our youngest, either to watch or play sport.
i go out once a week on average to see friends and then 2 times a week to exercise (one of those is with our dc) along with a couple of early morning exercising but everyone is still in bed then so no one else is affected.
We both also have separate breaks away with friends once a year (me twice because I have more friends than him 🤣)
your dh is taking the piss and carrying on like a single man.

In your shoes, I'd begin to change the dynamic of this pattern. As said, tell him which night you'll be doing your own thing, and he will be staying home. If you never do things with another couple, ask him to invite one of the married couples he knows over for a barbecue, or any meal, so it will be a double-dating sort of situation.

If he tries to keep you from interacting with his crowd, that's a red flag. I'm assuming you've met some of them. Do they seem like decent people? Does he ever take you on vacation? Why isn't he bring you and your child to see his family if he has so much money? Does he guard his phone like a hawk, or not?

You might buy a book on couples' communication and insist you two read it together. Tell him you want your relationship to be as happy as possible, but for that to happen, communication needs to improve. Have a spine and don't back down to his railroading. If he's selfish and it's his way or the highway, consider if he's not the ideal lifetime partner you once thought he was.

Sorry re-read your OP. Honestly you deserve better than this OP. Me and DH want to spend time together - it sounds like your DP would rather hang out with his friends than you which is really shitty. No wonder you are upset.

I’m out more than my husband every week
I go out 3 nights a week and now it’s better weather I was out every night last week and this week so far, he’s out some weeks it’s 1 night other weeks it’s 2 just depends on what he’s got planned

@littlelongstockings he needs to grow up and decide where his loyalties lay.
Ask him how he would like it if you went out 4 nights a week and left him to solo parent ?
Can you do a trial run for a month of this and let him see. Don’t ask tell him that’s how the next month is going to be.
I think the amount of holidays is ridiculous .
You have given him too much freedom .The child is half his responsibility and about time he had his eyes opened to this .

Maybe once a month. For example, he’s away camping this weekend to see a friend, but he’s taken youngest dc with him. Normally, he might go meet a friend for a pint and be back by bedtime or occasionally they will go camp for the night near a pub and he’s back in the morning.

It should be equal, in theory. So if he’s out 2-4 times a week, when is your time? Even if you don’t go out, he’s home from work at 5, cooks dinner while supervising dc, feeds them, bathe them, puts them to bed and tidies up and gets ready for the next day while you relax with a book and have a bath or go to the gym or out for a walk. Do that the other 2-4 nights a week. The shine will wear off quickly.

Realistically, going out multiple times a week is something you give up when you get married and have a family because family life becomes the priority.

I would say this looks excessive. Are you sure it’s mates he is seeing?

@littlelongstockingssome questions to think about..when you say going out, do you mean going out drinking? Or something else? If evenings spent in the pub, this can all add up to get very expensive very quickly. Just on the outside looking in, it seems that there is a constant pull away from you, constantly gravitating towards these friends and away from you/family life. Sounds like he may be going out of a school night at least sometimes too? Is this enough for you? Is this the married life you envisaged? Are you getting your needs met in this relationship? Are you getting equal downtime, time with friends? Do you have equal disposable income? If nothing changes, would you be happy in this? If the situation was reversed, how would he feel about you behaving like this?

Never as he is the most unsocial person on the planet, lol. He’ll occasionally go round to his brothers’ but that’s the extent of it.

He’s acting single and taking the piss out of you

None. He calls them a few times a week but he hates going out.

I think about every other month. I see my friend about once a fortnight, sometimes more.

He sounds like a teenage boy, out with his mates every night driving round doing nothing. From your update I’m presuming you got together at 18? I think he’s feeling he missed out on his young ‘fun’ years by settling down, getting married and having kids early, and now he’s discovered some new friends he’d rather be with them than you. I don’t think it’s normal for a married man to spend more nights a week with his friends than his wife.

Rarely, we like to spend our time together.

Do you not have your own friends?

More to the point how often do you go out with your friends?
X

Yeah, this.

maybe 2 or 3 tbh. 🫣

Seems that he is living the life of a single man. Multiple nights out and holidays without his family.

When do you get free time and he’s gets to be the parent?

What about seeing your friends?

Sounds like he doesn’t enjoy his home life and is escaping.