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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I ok to finally leave over this

64 replies

orangedog22 · 29/05/2026 05:46

Hi Im sorry as this could possibly be long. No matter what he has done or does I am always the bad one and in the wrong .

from the start . 4 years theres been severe issues with porn . He was massively addicted . We couldn’t even have sex because I just didn’t do it for him he would then finish watching porn . Loads me to this but we would be here all day . Before we started seeing each other i said how much I hate porn and do class it as cheating .

i had to put up with this for 2 years . Now I know it never ended after all the lies and promises .

addicted to drugs and alcohol. Also again lied to this whole time . Cocaine is the main one for him. He would lie to my face after taking it . These would be when hes in work , in his house and just got worse towards the end . Sneaking off when I’m cooking and cleaning his house pretending he’s fixing something outside and sneaks to a friends house to do it then come back . I don’t like two things in a relationship drugs or porn . I know i am controlling . He has said it so many times . And this is why when ever I leave I always go back because I feel the one in the wrong .

he doesn’t understand how me not wanting a person I want a future with doing drugs is any of my buisness or how it shouldn’t affect me at all what he does.

he done coke again two weeks ago so I left . I stupidly went back because I listened to another promise from him . I said to him this would be the last time because through all this i have become so depressed.

iv had a feeling for so long about the porn . But he would flip if I ever asked him if he had watched it again. But would also say how it also turns him sick now and how he sees it my way . He would also watch all the videos of half naked women on social media too . Doing the most disgusting things . Again I don’t want to be with a man whos a slimeball . Watching 18-19 years old girls younger than his daughter do these things .

sex has gone down hill again , him never being able to finsh and also him wanting to do different things having sex even having a fixation on me sucking his you know what all the time just loads of stuff .

I couldn’t get the feeling out of my head last night and because I have wanted to trust him for so long i havnt felt like I needed to see if I was right by looking at his phone . His phone he takes everywhere by the way . He fell asleep and I looked . And straight away I found so many videos of drunk girls in Benidorm being filmed riding them mechanical bulls but they are all close up and only of young women all skinny , no older women , chunky women or even men . So obviously he was just looking for these kind of videos . I don’t know if anyone hasn’t seen them but it’s where obviously a male photographer videos them at times where their bits fall out and their arse comes out stuff like that .

I just felt so sad and stupid . And just like that I know what I finally have to do . When I woke him up and had his phone in my hand and said he went nuts grabbed his phone and said he hasn’t watched stuff like that . And again it’s all in my head . Hes definitely got some narcissistic traits . Hes got no empathy at all . And will lie until you actually feel like you made it up in your own head . Like I said earlier so much has gone on . Really horrible things so I think you could understand a bit more why I feel the way I do .

what he will do now is get off his face on coke every day in work and after and hate me even more whilst im just left to suffer on my own . I havnt got anyone anymore . My mother and father stopped speaking to months ago because of how much I had changed since being with him and also because of how pathetic i was constantly going back after the stuff he does .

thankyou for getting this far . I really need to know am I a horrible person for leaving over this

OP posts:
Passwordsaremynemesis · 29/05/2026 05:48

He is a nasty perverted drug addict. Of course you should leave him.

orangedog22 · 29/05/2026 05:57

Thankyou so much for not telling me I was in the wrong . I won’t be putting myself through any of this anymore

OP posts:
Pickledonions12 · 29/05/2026 06:00

Why would you want to be in a relationship with this man?

WarriorN · 29/05/2026 06:00

Do not waste another second of your precious life on this twat.

HoppingPavlova · 29/05/2026 06:02

I didn’t read beyond your title tbh. The reality is you are okay to leave at any time, over anything. You don’t even ‘need’ a reason to pack a relationship in, be that with a great guy or a complete prick.

Highlighta · 29/05/2026 06:05

You must leave him OP.

You cannot carry on living this way. Life will be so much easier once you do.

The important thing is though, that you have to be solid about it. None of this going back because he said the nice words.

Look at actions. Not words.

SoScarletItWas · 29/05/2026 06:05

The two things he know you can’t stand (drugs and porn) he will still happily do. Absolutely you can and should leave him. He’s awful.

Can you leave and block him so you can’t hear any more of his worthless empty promises? No DC? What’s the housing situation?

I bet your parents will support you if they know you’re desperate to get away from him. They can see how bad he is for you.

Tablesandchairs23 · 29/05/2026 06:14

You obviously don't live together You don't have any ties. End ir block him and move on. He's a horrible abusive man.

SparklyGlitterballs · 29/05/2026 06:19

If he's been like this from the very start then I wonder why you ever got into a serious relationship with him. He's despicable. Goodness knows how he's held down a job if he's off he's face on coke during work hours. The porn stuff is just vile.

Please, please leave this man and don't go back. Life is short and it's not worth wasting any of it on losers like him. When you're gone, think about getting some therapy to unpick and understand why you felt compelled to take the blame and put up with this. Find your self worth, set some high standards and don't accept anything less than those standards from a future partner. You're worth so much more than this OP.

ClayPotaLot · 29/05/2026 06:26

I would advise any woman to leave a man like that.

But something to remember, OP, you are OK to leave who ever you, like when ever you like. You don't need our, their, or anyone else's permission. If you don't want to be in that relationship anymore, then it's always OK to leave.

Given what a mess this is, I would suggest you stop dating entirely. Work on yourself. Maybe do the Freedom Program that Women's Aid run. get some therapy. Start to learn to trust and love yourself and find validation outwith a relationship.

Itsseweasy · 29/05/2026 06:30

He sounds like a nasty little narcissist.
They are master manipulators and he will always make you feel like the one at fault.
He will ruin your life completely, please get away from him immediately.
It will take time but you will be so much happier without him!

PygmyOwl · 29/05/2026 06:31

Please leave him OP and this time don't go back.

PersephoneParlormaid · 29/05/2026 06:34

Contact your parents, tell them you’ve been a victim of abuse and you can see it now, and ask for their help.

Backedoffhackedoff · 29/05/2026 06:35

Actually forget about him. Leave him obviously but Dedicate your energy to understanding and exploring you. Why have you been having sex with this gross unattractive man? Why have you gone back? What’s going on self esteem and self respect wise? You deserve so much more from life. He doesn’t even like you!

WarriorN · 29/05/2026 06:36

He sees you as his free cleaner

Somethingbland · 29/05/2026 06:37

You don't need anyone's permission to leave this man.

How you have even put up with him for so long is a mystery to me. I would have left him when I found out about his porn use and addiction , let alone his drug use.

Please please think of yourself and your own future OP and start a new life without this loser. You deserve so much better .

moose62 · 29/05/2026 06:37

Why have you put up with this for so long?
What does he have/do that makes it worthwhile to be with him ?
Just call it a day - you don't need any justification...

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 29/05/2026 06:39

Why would you NOT leave? What possible reason could there be for staying? You haven’t said a single positive thing about this man or this relationship. Leaving might be logistically difficult but it still clearly needs to happen. Is there any part of you that’s tempted to stay in this unpleasant, unhealthy situation?

Jossse · 29/05/2026 06:40

He sounds horrible. He’s an addict and lies to you. Time to leave and do some work on yourself and your soul. Addicts tell the best lies! Learn about yourself and what you really want from your life. Be strong, you can do this.

ThePM · 29/05/2026 06:43

You aren’t wrong.

If his dating profile told the reality of who he is should anyone swipe on it?

I’m sorry it hurts his feelings. But addicts should have zero expectations of others hanging around to get dragged into it.

Globules · 29/05/2026 06:46

Leave.

Nothing to feel bad over.

Head high. Take time to heal and reflect on why you stayed with this one for so long before realising it was time to leave.

AndyBurnhamForPM · 29/05/2026 06:50

I'm a bit confused.

You say he watches porn all the time and wanks to it in front of you.

But the one example from his phone was clothed women on a mechanical bull.

That's weird but doesn't sound like porn?

Revavalley · 29/05/2026 06:51

Coke heads are arseholes. Does he drive? Is he getting off his face at work and driving home?? He sounds abhorrent. Just go and NEVER look back he's a worthless worm

GuttedButResolute · 29/05/2026 06:53

Something I found useful was thinking, “if I was looking for a new partner, are these qualities I would actively seek out?” If not, don’t settle for them. I know that sounds really simple but it’s helped me a lot.

you deserve better.

summitfever · 29/05/2026 06:58

Jesus op this man is utter scum. Of course you should leave. And you should also seek therapy to unpick the abuse you’ve endured to get you believing you’re controlling for not accepting porn or drugs in your relationship. You’ve been hoodwinked but well done for seeing it

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