Hi Im sorry as this could possibly be long. No matter what he has done or does I am always the bad one and in the wrong .
from the start . 4 years theres been severe issues with porn . He was massively addicted . We couldn’t even have sex because I just didn’t do it for him he would then finish watching porn . Loads me to this but we would be here all day . Before we started seeing each other i said how much I hate porn and do class it as cheating .
i had to put up with this for 2 years . Now I know it never ended after all the lies and promises .
addicted to drugs and alcohol. Also again lied to this whole time . Cocaine is the main one for him. He would lie to my face after taking it . These would be when hes in work , in his house and just got worse towards the end . Sneaking off when I’m cooking and cleaning his house pretending he’s fixing something outside and sneaks to a friends house to do it then come back . I don’t like two things in a relationship drugs or porn . I know i am controlling . He has said it so many times . And this is why when ever I leave I always go back because I feel the one in the wrong .
he doesn’t understand how me not wanting a person I want a future with doing drugs is any of my buisness or how it shouldn’t affect me at all what he does.
he done coke again two weeks ago so I left . I stupidly went back because I listened to another promise from him . I said to him this would be the last time because through all this i have become so depressed.
iv had a feeling for so long about the porn . But he would flip if I ever asked him if he had watched it again. But would also say how it also turns him sick now and how he sees it my way . He would also watch all the videos of half naked women on social media too . Doing the most disgusting things . Again I don’t want to be with a man whos a slimeball . Watching 18-19 years old girls younger than his daughter do these things .
sex has gone down hill again , him never being able to finsh and also him wanting to do different things having sex even having a fixation on me sucking his you know what all the time just loads of stuff .
I couldn’t get the feeling out of my head last night and because I have wanted to trust him for so long i havnt felt like I needed to see if I was right by looking at his phone . His phone he takes everywhere by the way . He fell asleep and I looked . And straight away I found so many videos of drunk girls in Benidorm being filmed riding them mechanical bulls but they are all close up and only of young women all skinny , no older women , chunky women or even men . So obviously he was just looking for these kind of videos . I don’t know if anyone hasn’t seen them but it’s where obviously a male photographer videos them at times where their bits fall out and their arse comes out stuff like that .
I just felt so sad and stupid . And just like that I know what I finally have to do . When I woke him up and had his phone in my hand and said he went nuts grabbed his phone and said he hasn’t watched stuff like that . And again it’s all in my head . Hes definitely got some narcissistic traits . Hes got no empathy at all . And will lie until you actually feel like you made it up in your own head . Like I said earlier so much has gone on . Really horrible things so I think you could understand a bit more why I feel the way I do .
what he will do now is get off his face on coke every day in work and after and hate me even more whilst im just left to suffer on my own . I havnt got anyone anymore . My mother and father stopped speaking to months ago because of how much I had changed since being with him and also because of how pathetic i was constantly going back after the stuff he does .
thankyou for getting this far . I really need to know am I a horrible person for leaving over this