Should I ask my wife if she is drifting away from me?

[Stad86]

I’m concerned something is wrong , my wife and I have been married for 8 years and over the last year or so she’s really been telling me how I’m different to other guys and how she tells me a lot about how the guys at the gym behave etc.

I am a bit quirky , I’m autistic and I do struggle to mask it at home as it’s exhausting but she used to accept me for who I am but now it seems it’s wearing thin. Iv recently sold my buisness and it seems like since then she’s drifted away from me at a time when it should be exiting in our late 30’s.

Im not sure what to do to win her back, it feels like since I sold she’s out more and spending less time with me than ever.

I am really bad at reading things but even I can see she’s more interested in others than she is in me.

should I ask her what’s going on?

she’s really been telling me how I’m different to other guys and how she tells me a lot about how the guys at the gym behave etc.

This is the sign that she is cheating on you/wants to be cheating/wants out

Sorry op x

I thought it might be

My ex did the same and it was similar , I know I’m a bit unusual but I have always treated her well but ultimately I am different to most of the guys unfortunately

You say you sold your business, did she agree to you doing that or was she against it? Also are you now employed or have you taken a break? I was just wondering if it could be that which has caused friction between you and a change in her attitude. Comparing you negatively to guys in her gym is not a good sign though.

Oh i'm sorry op - I know its hard

People are cruel 🥺. But I think its best to be clear on where you stand - be prepared for her not to admit it! - so you can live in peace

And being single, although not easy at times, is bloody peaceful.

I don’t know that I’d jump to cheating, how is she comparing you? And as above since you sold the business do you have less motivation? Are you both getting under each other’s feet? Did she agree to you selling?

I think you do need to talk to her and ask her to be honest, if her feelings for you have changed. I know it's painful, but you need to know the truth. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time 😔

Definitely talk to her, but be prepared that she might lie

Do you work since you sold the business?

She agreed to the sale of the business and the aim of it has always been to exit although it is a few years earlier than planned. I am still currently working as part of a hand over so other than cash in the bank not a lot has changed

Once this period is over I’m planning on helping other buisness owners so I’ll not be just sitting at home under her feet but I have agreed that I’ll only be working 3 days maximum so we can have time together

I do really value peace and no drama

She was very keen on the sale but I do still work in the business I have sold for the handover period. I’m not the sort of person to just sit around so I’d never get under her feet

The comparisons are about behaviours really and how they really understand people and feelings

I struggle with that, so we have an agreement where we are straight about feelings and needs because if she’s ambiguous I can miss it . I know that’s hard for a partner because they want to be seen and heard and I want to do that back but I can’t, I try, I really do

I know I look like I’m in my own little world but I have always tried to make people happy and to be supportive but I know I’m always to late with things and normal guys are more exciting

Still within the buisness as a director which is part of the sale agreement , nothing really changed time wise

After this I’ll still be busy but it will be optional and we can slowly adjust to the new norm

OP You have been together long enough for her to know that as someone with autism you can find it difficult to express feelings and to pick up on hints and innuendo. You need straightforward communication and she will be very aware of that, or should be!
It seems unfair of her to compare you to others and I think l would be having an honest chat with her to try to discover what she is really asking from you.

I will sit down with her over the weekend and ask her what’s wrong and if she’s missing something from me

she may not realise she’s doing it

you are right that she does know how to but when it comes to the crunch to be quite honest most times she will just say well you should know I’m making it obvious. We did agree that she would say it though, although that’s not what people want I know

I wouldn’t assume she’s cheating - the above poster has assumed. She may feel you would benefit from some exercise. Which may or may not be true. I feel like this about DH, purely as I know how beneficial it is for mood and stress. But I can’t tell him to. He knows it too but doesn’t make it a priority. (Cancer and menopause forced my hand to make it a priority for me. )

Not everyone likes the gym though.

The only way you can work out what is going on - if any thing is going on - is by having frank and open conversations.

Also, if a previous ex cheated it may be that you are hyper vigilant to that. It’s ok to explain your worries to her about that. At the same time, anyone is free to leave any relationship so you must make sure you’re not trying to influence her in any way.

it’s very common for relationships to go through phases of drift; the hard part is re adjusting to new phases of your life and how that might look.

Re any possible anxiety about what a previous ex did, which may be exacerbating your thoughts here, that’s something for you to deal with not her. And you need to tell her this.

It’s very natural for us to assume something that happened before is happening again but it’s not necessarily true and not fair on the other person and those feelings and anxiety can cloud current relationships (if you think this might be possible.)

Could she be feeling lonely in the marriage? Is she talking about missing an emotional connection? I’d do a good deal of listening and organise some things to do where you’re out of the house having a good time together and not talking about the usual everyday stuff, or a special interest.

The Hidden 20% podcast has a good episode from a relationship therapist who works with ND/NT couples.

It’s possible she is, that’s a good point

life can be very boring can’t it

I would ask her if she wants to continue the marriage and then if she says yes I would say that you noticed she is more distant and compares you to other men.
Maybe she doesn't like the direction your career is taking and maybe living with someone who (rightly) unmasks at home is tiring her. She is allowed to change her feelings and mind and you are allowed to relax at home and be yourself.

Thankyou for this message, thats a great way to start the conversation

I don’t become a different person and I still think I’m a good person but I do become a little less serious at home than when at work

^100% this , just ask her if she wants to continue and go from there

i hate to sound rude but you said after the sale of your business that you had a lot of cash - could she be looking to exit the marriage with half of this now ?

A few people have suggested that , she’d now be in a position to never work again with or without me

this happened last time but it was on a smaller scale

Can you get legal advice? It depends on country and length of marriage might be a factor. It would be good to know where you stand. I'm sorry you're in this position by the way.

As a fellow, quirky, autistic man i can imagine the strain of trying to work out what's happening. I believe that there are people for whom you shouldn't have to mask your behaviour to, so be proud of you, brother, other people are hard work sometimes.

Ask here what's going on and whatever happens next look after you. These thoughts and emotions need you to process them in time.

Yes. Communication is vital. You can only talk to her.

its likely to be a combination of things - if you have been building a business to sell it that that’s likely to have been very intense and absorbing and she’s possibly let stuff go unremarked as you moved towards the end game.

now that point has arrived and it’s very likely she’s finding it an anti climax and may be struggling with the shift. I wouldn’t jump to the assumption of an affair though.

does she work or have many friends? And is the gym a new thing? It could just be that she’s talking about what she sees without necessarily considering how that may impact you. Bear in mind she’s highly likely to have some degree of ‘difference’ ( could be wrong but generally we do all tend to hook up one way or another ).
as hard as I appreciate it will be you need to tell her how you are feeling. I highly recommend doing this somewhere neutral whilst engaged in an activity - so for example a walk outside. It’s usually easier to talk when not facing them and your body is engaged with an activity. Good luck. I’ve navigated pretty much the same issues from the other side, but I’m the ND person. He’s apparently just an introverted engineer :-)