How do I handle my adult son’s abusive and confusing behaviour? Long sorry..

[mwcdisc]

I need some advice please, Not sure where to go from here now and feel I can’t do right for doing wrong. My adult son (ASD) keeps going
through the same pattern, apologises then it all happens again but it’s getting worse. He will be perfectly nice to my face and I think everything
Is ok then as soon as he leaves he will twist things into something they are not, become verbally abusive (used to only be if he didn’t get
his own way with something or I said no to him) but now it’s everything I do. He clearly hates me but at the same time will not leave me alone..

Going to use the same language as he uses with me to make my point so warning for bad language..

I invited him to mine for food, I cooked. He came, ate, left, then ten minutes later I got ‘It’s fucking weird you wanted me to come
to your house to eat, you are so strange, no other mother does that with her son’ I grew up going to family meals at my grandparents
etc so thought it might be nice to spend time together.

In my mind there I did nothing wrong but he twisted it into something bad.

If he wants me to do something I don’t want to do he will call my mum and say ’Tell her to do ‘thing’ make her do it’ etc

Ask him if he wants my old phone if I get a new one? He will take it then text me an hour later telling me I’m controlling, I ask why
and in his head me giving him my old phone was controlling which phone brand he has. As in I gave him an iPhone when he might want
a Samsung.. I have told him in the past he doesn’t have to have it I’m just asking if he wants it before I sell it! I no longer ask him if he wants
anything..

Tells me I’m messing with his head if I buy him something for Christmas or his birthday, same if I put a tenner in his card (Trying to
control him with money and gifts) then I take what he said on board and don’t get him anything and he then tells me he doesn’t
feel loved by his own mother because he didn’t get anything.. Also ANYTHING I buy him either gets smashed up, broken or put in the bin..

Latest incident was today which is why I’m writing this..

I was at my mums having a cup of tea (If that’s not too strange of me!) and my son started texting my mum saying ‘ I no longer want a relationship
with THAT THING (meaning me) I fucking hate her and hate being around her etc yet he simply won’t leave me alone.. I told him
I was there and saw the texts and he must leave me alone now as I don’t want to force a relationship that clearly isn’t there and I’m not
having anyone speak to me like that calling me a thing when I have done nothing wrong. This outburst was AFTER I did him a massive
favour earlier today.

He has called me the usual bitch, whore, cun* etc but ‘that thing’ is a new one.. Also if he gets a birthday card for me (one in his entire
life) he uses my first name not ‘mum’

His pattern is he will now not contact me for a day, then I get ‘sorry mum I was just tired’ like nothing happened and I’m supposed to just forget it.

I’m starting to feel like I’m in an abusive marriage but I can never get a divorce.

Can anyone relate or does anyone have any advice because nothing I have tried in the 31 years of his life has worked.

Thank you.

Not really.

OP I actually think at some point you're going to be in real danger from your son. You wouldn't accept this kind of abuse from anyone else.

Could you move house? A massive pain I know. I think I'd probably tell him he's cut off and then start ringing the police to deal with him. Over and over again. ASD is not an excuse to be an abuser.

ASD does not sound like the problem. His behaviour is the problem. You are not going to change that, and you need to think about yourself.

He sounds actively dangerous to you. Stop trying these gestures. He sounds obsessive. The more attention you give him the worse it will get.

You have no time for your son?

Christ, he sounds exhausting. I would go n/c altogether after putting up with it for so long.

He’s thirty - fucking - one?! I was expecting a late teen.

He sounds like he has a mental health issue to be honest.

at the very least he has somehow learnt he can behave like this with no real consequences but that may not even be something you have control of. Who else is in his life and how do they behave towards you?
As much as I love my son who is also ASD, I wouldn’t stand for this. I’d assume he meant what he said and give him a wide birth. At some point your son needs to learn words have consequences. Is he like this towards anyone else. If I was being kind I could say that he feels very angry with the world and you are a safe person to take it out on but he is not a small child and he is not severely disabled so it’s not acceptable behaviour.

I do understand how hard it will be for you but I agree it’s worth telling him you will involve the police if he doesn’t tone it down. I knew someone else that had to do this - her son had additional mental health problems and eventually got treatment. He is fine with her now but it was pretty shit for a few years.

At his age, just tell him not to visit until he can stop with all his aggressive behaviour.

I know that ND is seen as a free pass to poor behaviour - but there's no need for you to have to put up with it. 🤷‍♀️

It is absolutely unacceptable that women, always women, are expected to take and endure anything. Any form of abuse,.because it's their child. No.

This crap has brought me to my god damn knees and I've been hospitalised again and again with my illnesses, exacerbated by this shit. Then you have awful adults who will also pile on and use the children.

Enough for me,.no more. Thank you 🙏

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk
https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva

Also the National Domestic Violence helpline now covers child to parent abuse, have a read through these websites. Don't try to rationalise it - yes he may change, he may stop this behaviour, but more likely it will escalate, you need proper advice;
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

How could it possibly be? This seems as "logical" as the son's complaints.

Matricide would be "unfortunately common" if even ONE mother were deliberately killed by her son, since the acceptable rate would be 0. An accurate global rate is difficult if not impossible to measure but The Femicide Census estimates that the instances of mothers killed by their sons account for roughly 9% to 10% of all women killed by men, with over 170 mothers murdered by their sons over a 15-year period using verified guilty verdicts alone. Scaremongering might be quoting an artificially inflated rate or saying something like "It'll probably happen to you" or "you're as good as dead", not "something to bear in mind I think."

Abusive would be saying the OP deserved this outcome or had done something wrong to invite it; the reply you targeted did not blame the victim at all but rather was offering support and advice.