How do I handle my adult son’s abusive and confusing behaviour? Long sorry..

[mwcdisc]

I need some advice please, Not sure where to go from here now and feel I can’t do right for doing wrong. My adult son (ASD) keeps going
through the same pattern, apologises then it all happens again but it’s getting worse. He will be perfectly nice to my face and I think everything
Is ok then as soon as he leaves he will twist things into something they are not, become verbally abusive (used to only be if he didn’t get
his own way with something or I said no to him) but now it’s everything I do. He clearly hates me but at the same time will not leave me alone..

Going to use the same language as he uses with me to make my point so warning for bad language..

I invited him to mine for food, I cooked. He came, ate, left, then ten minutes later I got ‘It’s fucking weird you wanted me to come
to your house to eat, you are so strange, no other mother does that with her son’ I grew up going to family meals at my grandparents
etc so thought it might be nice to spend time together.

In my mind there I did nothing wrong but he twisted it into something bad.

If he wants me to do something I don’t want to do he will call my mum and say ’Tell her to do ‘thing’ make her do it’ etc

Ask him if he wants my old phone if I get a new one? He will take it then text me an hour later telling me I’m controlling, I ask why
and in his head me giving him my old phone was controlling which phone brand he has. As in I gave him an iPhone when he might want
a Samsung.. I have told him in the past he doesn’t have to have it I’m just asking if he wants it before I sell it! I no longer ask him if he wants
anything..

Tells me I’m messing with his head if I buy him something for Christmas or his birthday, same if I put a tenner in his card (Trying to
control him with money and gifts) then I take what he said on board and don’t get him anything and he then tells me he doesn’t
feel loved by his own mother because he didn’t get anything.. Also ANYTHING I buy him either gets smashed up, broken or put in the bin..

Latest incident was today which is why I’m writing this..

I was at my mums having a cup of tea (If that’s not too strange of me!) and my son started texting my mum saying ‘ I no longer want a relationship
with THAT THING (meaning me) I fucking hate her and hate being around her etc yet he simply won’t leave me alone.. I told him
I was there and saw the texts and he must leave me alone now as I don’t want to force a relationship that clearly isn’t there and I’m not
having anyone speak to me like that calling me a thing when I have done nothing wrong. This outburst was AFTER I did him a massive
favour earlier today.

He has called me the usual bitch, whore, cun* etc but ‘that thing’ is a new one.. Also if he gets a birthday card for me (one in his entire
life) he uses my first name not ‘mum’

His pattern is he will now not contact me for a day, then I get ‘sorry mum I was just tired’ like nothing happened and I’m supposed to just forget it.

I’m starting to feel like I’m in an abusive marriage but I can never get a divorce.

Can anyone relate or does anyone have any advice because nothing I have tried in the 31 years of his life has worked.

Thank you.

People say call the police and reject them. They do not understand. Xx

Please no armchair diagnostics. That isn't bipolar behaviour.

This isn’t just ASD you need to separate that. He has something in addition to that and sounds dangerous. You need to cut contact. Contact a DV organisation for advice. The amount of women killed by their sons is rising. I think you are at huge risk, I used to volunteer for a DV charity, it’s an increasing issue.

I agree, it sounds so frightening.

I am sorry. I should not advise as i don’t know.

That sounds horrific, I'm so sorry.

I'm sure it's not a road you want to go down, but at this point, given it sounds like you've tried to go low/no contact and he then stalks you, it sounds like you need to go to the police and say that he's harassing you.

It's essentially not much different to domestic abuse, apart from him not living with you, so you need to keep reporting and getting them to speak to him until he gets the message or you get to the place of needing a non-mol.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk
https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva

Also the National Domestic Violence helpline now covers child to parent abuse, have a read through these websites. Don't try to rationalise it - yes he may change, he may stop this behaviour, but more likely it will escalate, you need proper advice;
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

As others have said, he is dangerous to you. Please find some way to withdraw from him and his scornful, aggressive treatment of you. "I have done what I can to help you fit into this world - you obviously think my efforts are not enough. Maybe it's time we had a break, and you manage your life without me. Hope all goes well, and you can stay in touch with your gran."

Please be aware that he is lucky to have you as his mum - many people would have turned away from him years ago.

He’s a grown man and there is zero excuse for his severe abuse of you.

You need to be very specific and tell him that whilst you love him, you will not put up with his abusive behaviour anymore. If he continues to be abusive he should not send you abusive messages, turns up at your home or follows you around, if he does you will call the police.

Please don’t dismiss the fact he could turn angry and violent towards you. Violence from sons to mothers is increasing.

Women's Aid will also be-able to help you.

I'm really sorry. This must be so hard for a mother.

then ten minutes later I got ‘It’s fucking weird you wanted me to come
to your house to eat, you are so strange, no other mother does that with her son’ I grew up going to family meals at my grandparents
etc so thought it might be nice to spend time together

Also ANYTHING I buy him either gets smashed up, broken or put in the bin

He has called me the usual bitch, whore, cun etc but ‘that thing’ is a new one.. Also if he gets a birthday card for me (one in his entire
life) he uses my first name not ‘mum*

He always tries to get me and my mum to fall out but it doesn't work. He would call me saying my mum said a certain thing about me then call her saying I said something horrible about her and we caught on to it quickly, he hates that we get on

He is used to doing these things without consequences that will really affect him. He might have difficulty understanding some things, but I assume he understand cause and effect.

Contact the police if he doesn't respect your wishes, but you have to be firm and consistent with any boundaries you set because if you don't, it'll just encourage him to ignore them. He seems to use you as a punch bag for any anger he's feeling and it's not ok. His behaviour and manipulation of totally ordinary invitations & events into something bad is disturbing.

Are you aware of what kind of online content he consumes? Wondering if there is some misogynistic/manosphere stuff influencing him here too?
agree with others, call the National DV Helpline for advice, this situation could escalate. Sending love and I so hope this situation gets better x

Did his Nan raise him? Also, he is using drugs. Possibly a weed addiction if nothing else.

Get a new phone number for you and your mum and don't give it to him.
Can you move?

your son sounds like my stepbrother who has psychosis... he is not a nice person at all, has threatened to r*pe me, my sister, and k!ll my dad, brother, other stepbrother and his own mum....

It started like how your son is and has progressed... I am fully expecting to see him on the news one day... my dad and stepmum secretly moved house 4 years ago and didn't tell stepbro the address but my stupid stepmum has now told him where they live which happens to be around the corner from me... whenever stepbro visits, my dad tells me not to go out just in case stepbro sees me!

CUT HIM OUT

There is no way you can keep allowing him to abuse you like this. By doing so, you're teaching him that the way he treats you is OK. And it really isn't.

I would also advise your Mum to go low contact because if you remove yourself as his emotional punchbag, he may start on her.

His accusations aren't grounded in reality (e.g., many other people's mothers invite them over for a meal, asking someone if they want your old phone is not preventing them from saying no or buying their own), and yet he's aggressively and relentlessly insisting on his fantasy at the expense of your well being. That would take a huge toll on your mental health just from being around him, even if there were not the added emotional complication of being mother and son. Your welfare matters too.

As you said, his behaviour is abusive. If you feel you cannot cut him off, at least give yourself the mental space to say no and to avoid him when there's no point in engaging. You've stopped offering him things like your old phone; now also stop giving him any gifts or money and stop inviting him places, even your house. It's also OK to stop contacting him and not to respond if he contacts you. You don't have to do a full-on "don't ever speak to me again" (and I wouldn't unless it's the only way you can make the necessary break) but consider each situation or request realistically: if you reasonably expect that that seeing or speaking to him will hurt you and him, skip it this time. If this feels too hard on your own, could talk therapy be an option for you?

No matter what your son's issues are, allowing him to hurt whoever he wants is doing damage to him as well as to you and others who are already in contact with him, and potentially to those who may come into contact with him to their detriment. He's an adult; he's refusing to get any kind of help. You have done what you reasonably can, to your own serious detriment. Don't continue putting yourself at risk, and don't enable his damaging behaviour.

He sounds paranoid - I would also suspect drug use as there appears to be a sudden escalation. Or he’s gone down the ‘manosphere’ world. He needs a mental health assessment really but I’m sure you suggesting this would cause him to go ape.

All you can do is go no or very low contact and tell him why. Grey rock. Get a new phone number. If he threatens violence of starts to harass you, then contact the police.
Its very sad but it’s not your fault.

This is a particularly sensible post.

You also need to talk to your mum - there's every chance that he will move onto abusing her if he isn't already.

It's an awful situation for you, Op.

https://www.paladinservice.co.uk/
https://www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/about-stalking

As others have said, OP, the hunting down your car and the sexualised language he uses to abuse you are deeply concerning.ASD is irrelevant, he sounds dangerous.

I would recommend looking into ‘non-violent resistance’. We did a programme with CAMHS when our daughter was younger.
Part of it involves asking other trusted adults to help - by them contacting him, expressing concern for him and for you.
How would he respond if he knew other people had read his messages or heard the things he said?

https://amzn.eu/d/0asn53qH

Does he live with anyone? I'm so glad he doesn't live with you OP!
With a child or teenage boy with ASD, I think you would put up with trying behaviour as you are a safe person for them to offload this on. He's well into adulthood now and it's time to protect yourself. If you can't bear to block his number, maybe keep one phone for him and one for your normal life, so you can control when you see these messages.
it is unfortunately common for women to be killed by their sons, it's something to bear in mind I think

it is unfortunately common for women to be killed by their sons, it's something to bear in mind I think

Scaremongering abuse.

Well it's not. Person most likely to kill a woman is their partner. After that it's a son.

The level of abusive language being used is off the scale. And the way he "flips" from being fine to being angry is concerning

Having ASD is not an excuse for his behaviour.
He is vile.
I would let him be vile on his own. Hard I know. But I would.