Was feeling brave and now bottling it

[AirConNotIncluded]

I'd love the sanity of Mumsnetters to share where I might be going wrong. Or whether I've explored everything I can do to sort stuff.
DH is depressed, miserable. The moods, walking on eggshells is normalised. I now see our daughters doing it. Aged 11 8 and 7.
Quite a corporate role to go into teaching and I think he has grandiose tendencies about himself. Maths teacher who can also cover sport.
We took a massive financial hit when he went into teaching and I retrained to go into medical safety to help keep our finances alive.

I'm so tired, really bone tired. He's nice to everyone one but me and our girls.
Elder two are hypervigilant - I think because of the constant back/forth with him.

Basically, can't ask him for anything. No demand can be made unless it's something he wants to do. They want to go swimming and pottery on Saturdays. He wants them at girls' football and will sulk. So they're at football, not enjoying it and have tummy aches, headaches each weekend. I think deep down they just don't want to go.

They might ask for help with cutting an apple. All I hear is ALLRIIIGGHHT, I'm in the middle of SOMETHING. When he's on his phone.

At the moment, I'm working full-time to support us financially whilst he saves his pay and thinks he can quit work to set up some fitness app with his developer mate. I've gone through finances and we can't afford it. I've refused to remortgage to set up a hobby that has no business plan or any idea if/when it can make any money.
I do all the housework, groceries, meals, housework and the mountain of admin at having 3 kids at 2 different schools. Elder one is SEN and has a place at an independent, she's stable for now and making huge progress.
I'm left with all the health appointments to do. My employer is understanding as my skillset is niche but she must wonder who is this teacher who can'y take a f*ing day off for sick kids.

He won't do any childcare during the holidays. I've got up and gone to work, only to get back with no-one fed, no-one's taken their medication or brushed hair and teeth. All on screens. So I can't just piss off for a weekend and leave him to it.

The current plan - his plan is for me to do more, while he does less and sets up his hobby. He hasn't given notice at work yet. I'm so scared of the mess he can leave us in that I've actually gone to look at rentals and asked him to leave.

Limited family support, both my parents are deceased. Brother overseas in the forces.

Sitting down and trying to have a sensible conversation turns into him telling me I'm unsupportive, too tired, and have let myself go. I'm overweight and I can never find the time for the gym. He walks off when I ask what the plan is for when he wants to be off work.

Felt so brave today looking at rentals and now I'm home, I'm scared again. Am I worn out or is this my nervous system telling me this is all wrong? I should stick this out.

TLDR: Depressed, checked-out DH wants to give up work for wife to support him and 3 kids while he commits to no home responsibilities. Worth throwing away a 18 year old marriage.

What an awful man. Get rid. Your two adopted ones will have had enough shit in their young lives to be able to cope being stuck with someone like this.

With the house, I really doubt he will be able to argue he is the primary carer and needs to stay in the house. Document everything you do for the kids, all appointments, all childcare when he is at work etc, including during school holidays. Your eldest’s wishes and feelings will also likely count if she is 12 and would prefer to live with you. Either you can buy him out or sell the house and split the proceeds. You both work and should presumably be able to secure alternative housing.

Your life and theirs will be easier and calmer.

Can you go speak to his mother / sister and tell them what he’s like and that you want him out . Mother might offer to help him move out to hers .

Don’t bother doing this. They won’t help given they’ve not seen your dcs for months. Involving family members isn’t always a great idea.

Can you sell the house? Split it and buy your own place. It’s his problem if he can’t afford a big enough place. He might think again about not working in a well paid job then.

I hope you do get away from this man. He’s taking the total piss. And I would love to see the look on his face when you tell him it’s over.

Oh honey
You are his meal ticket ,his housekeeper,his cook cleaner and bottle washer
His childcare ,his admin ,his everything
He is not going to let you go without a fight ,if at all
I expect he will love nothing more than him pretending to be the default parent who looks after them in the holidays while mum works ..in a divorce,that could end up with you have to leave the home and being forced to support him financially while he stays in it and does no caring for the DC
You need specialist advice to your situation..you need a very good solicitor to help you navigate this .
You need to plan carefully and get solid advice ..this man won't go easily ,he has it to easy ,and has to much to loose

God knows why he has chosen teaching.
And he’s off during the holidays and does sod all with his own kids? I do know that teachers don’t have endless holidays with no work, but he has some flexibility.
I would leave.
He is deeply affecting your DC.
What on earth he’s like at work I’ve no idea. He’s either like a performing clown or one of those misery-arse teachers everyone hates.

I had a relationship with a sweet man who was depressed. He was hoing through a well period when we first met. We didn't live together nor did we have children. It was soul- destroying. It nearly broke me. Ur situation is far more challenging. Put urself and ur children first.

It’s tough but you know deep down what you have to do. Divorce is never painless but sometimes it is necessary.

As the OP has said, the kids want to go to the swimming pool and a pottery class at weekends but he makes them go to football. How on earth is that making a positive contribution to their lives? I think if I was one of the children I'd develop a 'diplomatic illness' too. You want children to grow up with confidence and capabilities - especially girls - and it's not fair on them.

If he's got ambitions to foster sporting prowess in youngsters he can channel that into his work as a PE teacher.

Get out - life will be much easier in the long term!

Change is a scary thing for everyone. But once you are out the other side of it, you will be fine, and so much better off. You know you will all be better without this man, you just need to get in the right headspace to rip off the Band-Aid and make the change.

If it were me, I’d start to act as though you were already divorced. Move the girls to the Saturday classes they want and ignore the sulking.

Start mentally preparing yourself for life as a single mum; set up some kind of written household chart or send a series of messages that clearly lay out all the ways you’re picking up all the household responsibilities in order to support his very busy new life as an app developer.

And once he’s quit his job and can’t use being a teacher as a reason to claim majority care, file for divorce.

I have a friend in a similar situation. She stuck out a miserable marriage to a controlling man and lived a miserable existence at home walking on eggshells. It’s taken her nearly 7 years but 18 months ago she finally got to courage to leave him. He moved out to live with his parents. Their son turned 18, the family home was sold and now she’s living alone (son gone to uni) really really happy. She holds herself differently, she has a passion for life again. Don’t get me wrong it’s been a hard emotionally slog but she’s absolutely zero regrets apart from not doing it sooner. It will be hard but think of the rewards living a happy life with your girls where no one is walking in egg shells

This sounds so similar to the end of my marriage, except he was never at home to do any childcare. But he spent his time and money on projects and hobbies and I did everything else. His family thought he was super dad when he didn’t know either of our DC’s.

After 18 years I’d also had enough. I’d thought about leaving so many times but when I knew I had no choice I had to do it.
It was the best thing I ever did. For me and our DC’s. He actually stepped up after a few years and is a really good dad now.

Yours might not, but for your sanity and your kids living environment you sound like you do need to separate. If you can afford it, move into a rental asap and sell the house. At the very least it might stop him resigning if he knows he has to support himself instead of his plan to leach off you.

I know how you feel, it took me 10 years to leave an abusive marriage, and I know how hard it is.

But believe us, when we are inside the situation, we don't see how bad it is, and how much it affects our DC.

For your daughter's sake, you need to end your marriage. You aren't in a relationship, because there's no equality here at all. You are doing the daily grind and working full-time as well, whilst your husband simply goes to work. Now he sees going to work, as something he can just stop, because you'll pick up the slack, whilst he's setting up a pie-in-the-sky business.

By ending the marriage, it will give you and your daughter's peace. I'm not saying it will be easy, and there may be times you wonder if you've made the right choice. Gather all the financials and seek legal advice before you do anything. You need to see where you stand before you make any decisions.

It will all sounds impossible and huge right now, but know this - you and your children will get to the other end and be so so happy and relieved. You don't see many posts on MN from women regretting leaving abusive men, however hard the process might have been, and even if their finances and security took a battering. Nothing is worth bartering your and your children's daily happiness for! Stay strong and get the help that you need. Solicitors won't be interested in emotional aspects/fairness. They've heard it all. They can help with getting you what you are entitled to.

Thank you all for giving me clarity and a push in the right direction. I've spent a lot of time bending myself into all manner of ways to cajole and manage his moods. Thinking why does he do that with me? I've found some anger and now tell myself what on earth am I allowing this? And what am I going to do next?

I've been to work today and had a very open conversation with my boss about what is going on. She us going to talk to HT about paid time off so I can start to sort things. She is quite a tough character so I honestly wasn't expecting her to be so supportive. Thank you, all of you.

Good luck, op. It will be hard, but so worth it. When you have time, read It's not you, by Dr Ramani. Also, look up the grey rock method to deal with him -- it'll save your sanity.

Do not leave them with hi. Find a better lawyer. You eill have no.pronlrm proving that he is NOT looking after the children at all - you have diary calendar clashes, proof you took time off work, etc. Also, ve very clearly does not want custody - he will just say that to manipulate you.

Stop the children's activities theybare doing for him. He will sulk, but they are already hyper vigilant and stressed so tell them to ignore his sulking, as you will.

Good luck. He sounds awful