Was feeling brave and now bottling it

[AirConNotIncluded]

I'd love the sanity of Mumsnetters to share where I might be going wrong. Or whether I've explored everything I can do to sort stuff.
DH is depressed, miserable. The moods, walking on eggshells is normalised. I now see our daughters doing it. Aged 11 8 and 7.
Quite a corporate role to go into teaching and I think he has grandiose tendencies about himself. Maths teacher who can also cover sport.
We took a massive financial hit when he went into teaching and I retrained to go into medical safety to help keep our finances alive.

I'm so tired, really bone tired. He's nice to everyone one but me and our girls.
Elder two are hypervigilant - I think because of the constant back/forth with him.

Basically, can't ask him for anything. No demand can be made unless it's something he wants to do. They want to go swimming and pottery on Saturdays. He wants them at girls' football and will sulk. So they're at football, not enjoying it and have tummy aches, headaches each weekend. I think deep down they just don't want to go.

They might ask for help with cutting an apple. All I hear is ALLRIIIGGHHT, I'm in the middle of SOMETHING. When he's on his phone.

At the moment, I'm working full-time to support us financially whilst he saves his pay and thinks he can quit work to set up some fitness app with his developer mate. I've gone through finances and we can't afford it. I've refused to remortgage to set up a hobby that has no business plan or any idea if/when it can make any money.
I do all the housework, groceries, meals, housework and the mountain of admin at having 3 kids at 2 different schools. Elder one is SEN and has a place at an independent, she's stable for now and making huge progress.
I'm left with all the health appointments to do. My employer is understanding as my skillset is niche but she must wonder who is this teacher who can'y take a f*ing day off for sick kids.

He won't do any childcare during the holidays. I've got up and gone to work, only to get back with no-one fed, no-one's taken their medication or brushed hair and teeth. All on screens. So I can't just piss off for a weekend and leave him to it.

The current plan - his plan is for me to do more, while he does less and sets up his hobby. He hasn't given notice at work yet. I'm so scared of the mess he can leave us in that I've actually gone to look at rentals and asked him to leave.

Limited family support, both my parents are deceased. Brother overseas in the forces.

Sitting down and trying to have a sensible conversation turns into him telling me I'm unsupportive, too tired, and have let myself go. I'm overweight and I can never find the time for the gym. He walks off when I ask what the plan is for when he wants to be off work.

Felt so brave today looking at rentals and now I'm home, I'm scared again. Am I worn out or is this my nervous system telling me this is all wrong? I should stick this out.

TLDR: Depressed, checked-out DH wants to give up work for wife to support him and 3 kids while he commits to no home responsibilities. Worth throwing away a 18 year old marriage.

You walk away and make your life easier. Sounds like you are doing it all alone anyway really. Your girls will be happier too in a home where they don't need to walk on egg shells .

Honestly?
Fuck him. He sounds like a nightmare. Can you list anything positive at all that he brings to the table?
His deflecting of your concerns and requests for help are meant to keep you down and in your place. You are meant to be grateful that you have this poor excuse for a man.
Things will change and no doubt be difficult without him but I bet a million pounds you'll be relieved once he's gone.
You do not deserve this treatment and neither do your children.

Also, his plan is for you to do more while he does less ! Sounds like he does precious little already!

Looking back all this got worse when our elder girl had dyslexia and ADHD diagnosis through school. Important for her to know she wasn't lazy or disinterested. She has some brilliant strategies to help her learn but she does need more support than her sisters. The empathy and keen facade as a teacher is never seen for his own kids although I know he does this at school. Positives - I guess no drugs/alcohol addiction, gambling. I know that is low.

That is a low bar like you say.

You would have a far better life without him and you already know this. Make your plans and separate/divorce. There is a better life waiting for you all without this deadweight loser. Freedom from him and his moods and control would be so refreshing for you and your DC.

What a nightmare of a man. He sounds awful.

I think you are finished with him, no?

You’re doing everything anyway.

He sounds like a proper self indulgent Pillock.

Your bar is so low here it’s really sub level. Time to stop growing flowers in the hole you’re in and start digging your way out.

What do you want to teach your DDs about relationships and just what are they
lesrning here?. This is no relationship model
to be showing them and for them to potentially emulate themselves. Currently you’re showing them this is acceptable to you. All your so called h cares about us him. Divorcing him would be the making of you and your DDs.

Do not get caught up in your sunk costs; the past is done never to return.

How can you be helped into les in your abuser?. Make no mistake, his treatment of you and in turn your DDs is abusive.

Do it for your girls. It’s no life for them. And they and you deserve better. He sounds insufferable.

It is not a relationship to model healthy relationships to your daughters.

And I understand this warm, caring generous facade that some people have for the outside world.

At home, they are beastly. My ex used to help distribute Christmas gifts among Romanian orphans. Meanwhile he’d be calling me a fat c*nt at home and bullying the DCs. Revolting people.

Many abusers are quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors their true nature emerges.

Use the resources of a local solicitor and Women’s aid to free yourself from him.

Had advice from solicitors who have been relatively uninterested in the emotional harm/unfairness side of it all. What worries me is that he can say that he should stay in the home and care for the girls as he has term time working?
And I have to move out. His mum and maternal aunt are local - although they've not seen any of the children for over 6 months. I don't have those family connections.

I honestly cannot leave them in his care and they will come everywhere with me unless they're at school or an activity.

Seriously OP what does he bring to your relationship and family life? He sounds grim in all respects. He's not going to change, that ship has sailed long ago so please take the excellent advice you have had on here and start the process of divorcing him. Do if for your girls if you can't do it for yourself. They deserve better.

Currently also trying to remortgage if it can stretch to buying him out.

Get the fuck out of this relationship, you are doing EVERYTHING and still walking on eghshells as are your poor girls. Nothing in your life will change negatively the major positive will be not having him dragging you down and one less adult to financially support.

How do I actually get him to leave? Tried quite hard in recent weeks. Asked for space? Could he go to his mum's place for a bit. And then look at a rental. I am scared of leaving the home with him getting to stay here with the kids because I out-earn him. One lawyer said if I was a guy, there's no way the teacher parent would be asked to leave the home if there was childcare cover in the holidays.

(BUT HE WON'T DO IT). He's running a football camp this half term break for low income families......and getting lauded for it.

You're letting your daughters down. In a very serious way.

Prefacing this with: I'm a teacher.

He sounds like he's going backwards, had a great job, dropped it to retrain as a teacher, now wants to drop that to do something else even less well paid.

My partner has to be very supportive during term time (I'm a HOD) but this means that I have to do loads of reproductive labour at home during the holidays, e.g. I've done all the breakfasts, lunches and dinners for the past 4 days. Sounds as if your DH really isn't pulling his weight. However, I'd also say that he can't really take days off. That's part of the deal in exchange for 13 weeks holiday.

I'm interested by his preference for numbers, need for physical exercise and rigidity/inflexibility. You know what I'm going to say next. BUT, the only purpose of any diagnosis is so the person can manage their health (including mental health) better. I'm autistic myself, however, that's not an excuse to treat people like dirt.

I would suggest no big life changes, e.g. leaving his job, until he investigates his mental health. In any case, unless he hangs in his notice in the next 2 days, he can't leave until 31 December.

You need to leave him for your children. This is no way for them to be brought up

@whatwouldlilacerullodo Do you think I don't recognise this already? This is why I want to make a big change for them and me.

@ProudCat Thanks for this. We've agreed that time off isn't possible during term time. All the times I've asked him to take time off have been during the school holidays. We try to schedule the girls' medical appointments during the holidays too but he'll simply book an appointment to clash -e.g. MOT, haircut.

I note the rigid attitude too but he can be flexible with other people and for his work. Just not us at home. My 12 and 8 year old are adopted children so he has no genetic link to them and 7 year old was a wonderful surprise when we thought we couldn't have children.

I think its pretty awful that you're letting him treat your children like this and then worrying about whether its worth throwing away your marriage... what are the children worth to you? You can see that the children are treading on eggshells around him, learning something like that to take into adulthood, and you are considering staying so as not to rock the boat and so that he can live his best life at all of your expense?

@OriginalSkang That stung but you're right. Right now I tell myself it will be scary and hard but this is for their future. So they are and can feel safe.
It' a big leap into the unknown and with no parents/siblings to call on it feels so huge.

I think it is normal to have the fear OP, when you're on the brink of something like this, it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.

Re childcare cover in the holidays, if it came to it perhaps you could prove that he actually isn't available for it? Do you have text messages for example or other evidence say of him doing the holiday camp instead? That is him effectively working during the holidays, so not being around for childcare at all.

God he sounds awful, I’m sure your kids are well aware of his moods.

The longer you stay, the more chance he has to financially ruin you with his latest vanity project.

You may not get him to leave if he has nowhere to go, you might have to sell the house and start again. Are you both named on the mortgage/deeds? Is there much equity?

It will be difficult for a while, but separating will be far better in the long run.