Help. I need to leave a chronic cheat who does all the childcare

[euniq]

Hello mums, I'm planning to separate from my husband but I've been heavily reliant on him for childcare - 3 kids, oldest 10 and youngest 6.
He's a chronic cheat, like multiple women per week all these past years. I found out he pays for sex workers while I pay most of the bills and stress over finances. He's deep in credit card debt now. An alcoholic as well. And verbally and emotionally abusive. The kids are growing to be very afraid of him and also very timid among other children.

I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown at this point. I have about £5k in savings. I've viewed a new flat to move to, now it's time to pay the holding deposit but my feet are so cold, because he does all the daytime care that let's me work. (I'm visa-sponsored by the employer and husband and kids are my dependants. I can't stop working or even reduce my hours without losing this job/visa).
If I separate, I'll have to inform the home office and they may curtail his visa and we could eventually lose his support anyway.

He does all school runs and covers the children from 7am to 8pm while I work full time hours 5 days a week. My work is in London but we live out in Essex and I commute 1.5 to 2 hours each way. Then he goes to work night shifts 3 times a week when I'm back from work.
Oh the things I've forgiven just to keep our routine. And he just doesn't stop. It's been and endless cycle of betrayal and forgiveness and I've suffered and still suffering too much heartbreak from him. He doesn't want to seek help either.

My salary can't afford a nanny after rent which almost takes all. I've submitted a flexible working application for 3 days compressed hours. But if this is approved I'll still need support for the days I'm working.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you manage? How did you eventually get out?

It will have to be afterschool/breakfast club or a wraparound hours nanny.

What hours does the school offer in wraparound and do they have spaces?

Childcare.co.uk and Koru Kids are good for sourcing wraparound care.

Wraparound clubs for three kids could turn out to be not that much cheaper than an afterschool nanny.

Is your salary low enough to get taxfree childcare?

You sound frozen with fear and I don’t blame you, but your children being cared for by an abusive alcoholic who is probably messaging sex workers while he’s with them is… a poor choice. There has to be another way.

I'm sorry OP but I'm struggling to understand you leaving your children in the care of a man who they are not only afraid of but who drives them around while being an alcoholic.

I’m in a similar situation (just divorced an abusive husband). It’s hard being a single mum but more rewarding as least you don’t have someone hurting you anymore. For me my mum helps look after my daughters as I can’t afford a nanny. It must be so hard with the visa situation, I almost did the same thing but luckily stopped the process right on time. I had moved abroad when I first got married & lived there but came back to London once I decided to get divorced.

You’ve made the right decision I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must be to find out about the cheating. Even thinking my ex has moved on now hurts. I would advise you not to give him another chance though as men like that won’t change. Wishing you the best of luck x

Thank you. The school only offers 1 hr before school and 1hr 30 mins after school. And with the 3 kids it works out as expensive as the nannies. I've also looked at those websites and I've calculated I'll need about 30hrs of wraparound childcare per week. The cheapest nannies on there covering my area are charging about £16 per hour which will add up to about £1900 per month. I earn 2700 after tax. So this won't be affordable for me. I hope I find a way out. I will look up the tax free childcare you mentioned. Thanks for your help.

I know😭

You are right😭 I have no clue what's wrong with me.

Thank you so much for your words. Can I DM you? I have a few questions.

I’m so sad for your situation it sounds intolerable. I cannot also understand how he finds the time for all of this as he also works nights. Does he leave them alone while seeing other women? The whole situation is awful x

It's so awful and I'm embarrassed myself. He does this when they are at school and sometimes when I'm home with them like on annual leave and weekends. I find out because he says he's going to get groceries but I have the car app on my phone and the location says it's in so-and-so hotel. And we've also got a few parking tickets from weird places that only him has been. And then he still comes home with the groceries pretending to have gone shopping only. Plus all the texts and pics and videos in his phone. Yes he actually took pics of himself with few of them. When I confront him he goes all kneeling and crying and rolling on the floor begging, not minding the kids are there.

No judgement here. It sounds like an impossible situation.
Can you talk to Women’s Aid or Shelter or any other women’s charities about financial advice and childcare? I am not saying that they are going to be able to “give” you anything solid, but they might have advice on benefits or resources that will help you, or even a women’s group where you could engage some help. I really hope you make it out.

Or social services? Tell them what’s happening, how you can’t leave because of childcare, but the person doing it is unsuitable (SS surely can’t disagree with that) and let them raise a concern and help you.

Do you still need 30hrs with the flexi at work? I would talk in confidence with your employer to let them know the awful position you are in and ask for reduced hours/part WFH until you can figure out reliable childcare.

Have you got some close relatives who can fly in and support you practically and emotionally for a week or so? Someone on your side to get your head straight? It might seem a lot but this is urgent and you’re overwhelmed.

I'm looking into this as well. Thank you.

I'll look them up and give them a call, thank you.

Yes, it's still up to 30 hours because I spend a lot of the time on the commute. I would need to be out of the house by 6am and not be back until 11pm. The job itself would be 8am to 9pm for the 3 days (12 hr shift including an unpaid break time that must be taken).
I haven't told my employer yet. But thanks. I'll save it for last resort for fear of the work visa situation.

U need to speak to your employers asap. U need to think of yourself and your kids. Thank god u are leaving him. You are not the first person in this position and won’t be the last. Take the flat, speak your employers about some annual leave to get settled in. Kids are priority. Reach out to womans aid in your area too. U can do this and it will work out it’s just very difficult, and you need support to get u all the help u can. Really rooting for you

I am sorry, OP. This sounds like a really tough situation. Your DH sounds abhorrent.

Your children are at risk here of huge, permanent emotional and psychological damage, and if your DH cannot control himself to the extent that he seeks out prostitutes while you are at home, I would be worried about sexual abuse when left alone with your kids. Sorry to say it.

Your priority in this situation needs to be yourself and your kids. If this means you need to leave your job, move away and live with family, or seek alternative support, then so be it. Good luck.

Talking to employers is a good idea - could they support you to get transferred to a role closer to home? Or support you in the interim while you look for more local work?

I don’t know if this has been considered but what about an Au pair? Much cheaper than a nanny or child minder. I was in a very similar situation to you and all i can say is my life got 100% better as soon as i got rid of him! The children and i had some very hard times but it was always far far less stressful than putting up with him!

Can you move closer to work, even though it will be a tiny place (youngest shares with you and the other two with each other)? Move back to 5 days a week so they are in breakfast/after school only with no need for the extra care?

no idea why you’d leave your children with an alcoholic!
Get wrap around care for your children, and run for the hills.

Is there any possibility of moving closer to work to cut down your commute?

You are in an impossible situation OP. Raising 3 children alone with a long commute and no access to public assistance (I assume your work visa is NRPF) is close to impossible unless you are earning megabucks. I only know of one person who does this and her eldest is 16 and carries a lot of the childcare burden.
Is it an option to leave your job and return to family who can help you? Failing that all I can suggest is to move as close to your work as possible to reduce your commute - rent something as small and affordable as you can get away with - and use wrap around care. Even then with normal inset days, illness etc I think you will have a very difficult time ahead but the one thing you cannot do is continue to leave them in his care whilst you work. If your husband is keen to stay here, you might be able to leverage that into getting him to take on some of the costs (under the threat that you will leave and his visa revoked if he does not).