Aibu to feel weird about my boyfriend's ex trying to maintain contact with him?

[naturalbaby]

My boyfriend is very good at his job and has access to exclusive events. He's described his ex as 'stalking' him and being jealous but is fairly laid back and chilled about people from his past being a part of his life and says he wishes her well and hopes she's happy. He is friends with other ex girlfriend's who work in the same area as him because there is a genuine reason to work together.
This ex contacted him a year ago asking for her daughter to go on a job with him for work experience. At the time I said it felt odd and he agreed so didn't follow up the request. She's in contact/friends with one of his colleagues so I know there are other people she can approach. She contacted him again a few months ago with the same request and because she's dropped the 'stalking' behaviour he agreed. She's dropping the daughter off at his house to stay the night before because they have to leave early in the morning - she lives an hour away, not a million miles away.
Aibu to feel incredibly uncomfortable about this arrangement and her constant attempts to maintain contact with him? I see no reason for continued contact other than her daughter being interested in the same career as him.

This whole thing is bizarre. She’s letting her daughter stay the night at her ex boyfriend’s house (no relation to the daughter?!).

it does seem a bit off and a way to stay in contact with him, yes. If I was him I would have ignored it again, or passed it on to someone who could help instead, if he was feeling particularly generous.

My therapist says his behaviour shows me that he's invested in feeding his ego...
He tells me he's concerned I don't trust him but won't accept that what he's done has eroded that trust. And by trust we mean honest and transparent communication and emotional safety, neither one of us has concerns about cheating or rekindling past relationships.

She dropped her young daughter to sleep in his house? And he thinks this is ok? Run. Fucking hell RUN.

He regularly has friends, family, lodgers, friends of friends staying over when he's there and away from home. It's normal for him. He had a friend's teenage daughter staying for months while she worked in London. But the ex girlfriend's daughter, not his daughter, doesn't feel ok.

There are friends and colleagues the daughter could do work experience with.

She's not local, they don't have friends in common.... she's not a part of his life anymore except she keeps finding ways to keep in touch.

This feels like a deal breaker for me and it breaks my heart

I once had this: an ex wife from 15 years ago was always phoning up my DP, always some spurious reason why she had to talk to him. I'm afraid I'm not grown up enough to let all that go on if he is in a relationship with me, so he cooled things right down with her. Mind you, she obviously wasn't quite right - rigid thinking and obsessive about things.

She's dioing work experience so I assume shes not a young girl. I think you are being silly. This woman is obviously leveraging him to help her dd. The only contact she has initiated is on her dd's behalf. I personally wouldnt have a random teenage girl to stay but it does sound like he does this sort of thing a lot and his ex probably knows that.

Also you have clearly been together a while so I think this level of unsettled feeling is silly. If you dont like him.helping other people and think its about his ego, fine, thats your right, but i dont see this as a specific issue because its his ex.

What has he done to erode your trust? You know about these interactions and he has told you what's going on with regards to this situation. If there's another circumstance that he has lied about or not told you about then you can end the relationship for any reason you want to. If you don't trust him around his ex girlfriends teenage daughter then that to me seems like a massive red flag and you should definitely end it.

Make sure you or another person is also present.
Your boyfriend risks being accused of inappropriate behaviour. He doesn't know the young woman and her mother is displaying an obsession over him.

Advice to any teacher of teenagers is to use extreme caution and avoid being alone with teenagers.
Agree that this work experience is a one off.
Your boyfriend should try to find another mentor for his ex's daughter - someone who is not a very close friend of boyfriend.

I think you're massively overreacting here.

You say the ex contracted him once a year ago, to talk about her daughter and work experience. And then a couple of months ago to do the same thing.
That's not a lot, and it seems purely in service of her thinking he can help her daughter launch into her preferred career. Maybe she thinks he's best placed to help over others, maybe she isn't as close as you believe to them, maybe he has a history of being helpful, who knows.

Unless there's tons you're not saying, and you need to elaborate on when/what the alleged "stalking" behaviour was (as in, was it actually, or was she maybe just trying to speak to him to get closure, which might be ill advised, but is common at the end of a relationship), then it doesn't sound like anything to worry about at all.

And given that they have to leave early and she's an hour away, and if the daughter is old enough to do work experience and both he and the ex know that he has people to stay regularly, and you have said yourself that he had a friend's teenage daughter to stay which you had no issues with, then to me this comes across purely as a matter of your insecurity and lack of trust, not that there's anything strange about it. Maybe she does want something, who can tell, but the requests she's currently making are not that, and your BF helping her daughter is not any indication that he wants her back, is undermining trust in your relationship or anything like that. That's all coming from your insecurity.

What is the alleged lack of honesty and transparent communication? It sounds like he's being perfectly open, you haven't mentioned any deception or withholding here?

If the work experience is the only thing she's contacted him about, I don't think that's unusual or suspicious? When you say constant excuses to keep in touch with him, what other things is she doing?

Part of the reason I'm overreacting is she has other ways of getting access to this type of work experience - he's not the only professional she knows who works at these events.
Also last year when she asked he described her behaviour as 'stalking' but she stopped for a few months and suddenly this is ok. On top of the fact that he initially denied the conversation happened last year, completely 'forgetting' our conversation and how uncomfortable it made me feel.
When I tell him how I feel he shuts me down, gets defensive, dismisses my feelings or won't acknowledge them - part of trusting eachother is emotional safety and this makes me feel like I'm not safe to tell him how I feel and I can't trust him to communicate reliably or with honesty and transparency.

i feel like of all the ways to try and keep your hooks in someone because you still harbour feelings for them, arranging for your own daughter to stay with that person for something as solid as work experience would be pretty far down that list?

maybe i've missed it, but it doesn't sound like they parted on bad terms?
if they didn't then i would absolutely not be surprised that this was the most comfortable/familiar route to establishing a good opportunity for your daughter?

sure, she could have found another person, but likely it would have been more awkward/difficult.

i'd probably let this one slide, but would continue to be wary

You and your therapist are overreaching here. Nothing sounds dodgy.

He's ok with letting the daughter of the ex that "stalked" him stay overnight?

😱

Dude needs some boundaries. I think this is really inappropriate. How old is she?

He obviously likes attention and isn't too upset that you don't. It's not like you've left him over it.

I would never keep seeing someone who let a previous stalker back into their life. There's chilled and there's stupid.

The way they parted - she 'lost it and screamed at him' when he talked to her about ending the relationship and he walked out. She couldn't accept it was over and kept trying to rekindle it. They split up over 3 years ago and she only seems to have backed off in the last few months. His relative described her behavior as stalking - her constantly messaging him trying to get back with him.

She could very easily have found another person and he could have arranged for one of his colleagues to take her to one of these events but he likes to feed his ego.

I know I'm overreacting and have looked at what this has triggered in me, and he'll go ahead and do whatever he wants regardless of how I feel.
I was mainly thinking, as a parent with a child the same age, is this appropriate? because my gut reaction is screaming no it isn't.

My therapist has strongly suggested that his previous behavior is controlling, bullying and narcissistic - all things he's accused me of when I come to him about something in our relationship that's bothering/upsetting me.

Aside from your therapist views, if YOU believe the man you're in a relationship with is controlling, bullying and narcissistic then end the relationship. From your previous posts you don't live together, don't have shared children so you can have a clean break and walk away.

ETA typos

agreed - it's ultimately up to you.

if this is a single event that's making you uncomfortable, it's ok to sit and take stock, see if there are any other repeated behaviours.

however, if this is the latest in a string of similar issues (as it seems from your update) then the specifics of this particular issue are less important - if you're not feeling safe/secure in this relationship, then you should end it

I don’t like the sound of this fellow OP. It is ego driven behaviour— he wants attention from others more than he wants a stable relationship.

Your therapist should not be diagnosing anything of the sort about someone they have never met. Why are you having therapy anyway?

Anyway, presumably this child (I'm assuming now a teen) must have known him for some years, and they will have developed a bond. Maybe he feels he is a kind of step-dad to her.

You biggest problem is "When I tell him how I feel he shuts me down, gets defensive, dismisses my feelings or won't acknowledge them".

That's not a good relationship. It sounds like my miserable marriage - I advise you get out now.

You haven't mentioned how old the daughter is. School age? 6th Form? University student? Is this a work experience placement? Has your boyfriend seen his ex's daughter since he split from his ex? I do think age is relevant here.

Has the ex been constantly contacting your boyfriend since they split? Your post seems to suggest she's been using excuses for a prolonged period of time, and it's only settled within the last few months. Then you say, the ex contacted your boyfriend a year ago requesting him to help her daughter, and then again now. Which is it?

If the ex has been contacting your boyfriend constantly over the last 3 years, then I think your feelings are valid. If she hasn't contacted your boyfriend for a year, and only has recently regarding her daughter, then you may be overreacting.

The age of the daughter is very relevant here. Allowing a 14/15 year old girl, who hasn't seen your boyfriend since he split with her Mum, stay overnight is odd. Asking if your 20 year old daughter can stay over, might be a bit different.

She had been constantly contacting him since they split 3 years ago. She made this request last summer when she was still contacting him and he ignored it//turned it down after we had a conversation about it - I said it feels weird and inappropriate given the way shed been behaving and he agreed. There's been very little contact for a few months and she asked again in February - he said because she hadn't harassed him for a few months he agreed.

Daughter is 17 and to my knowledge not seen him or had any contact since the split. The ex found a few excuses to see him at events he was working at/she knew he'd be at last year but on her own.

How long were they together? As he clearly knows the daughter I don't think it is inappropriate that he is organising work experience- he doesn't need to engage with the ex.

You’re right to be uncomfortable, OP. The other people didn’t have an agenda but she obviously does.

He says she stalked ho but didn't block her or cut contact? He loves the attention and the ego boost.
If he was truly concerned that his ex was in anyway harassing or had harassed him he would not spend an unnecessary night alone with her 17 year old daughter.

Dump him. He craves the drama of women wanting him.