Aibu to feel weird about my boyfriend's ex trying to maintain contact with him?

[naturalbaby]

My boyfriend is very good at his job and has access to exclusive events. He's described his ex as 'stalking' him and being jealous but is fairly laid back and chilled about people from his past being a part of his life and says he wishes her well and hopes she's happy. He is friends with other ex girlfriend's who work in the same area as him because there is a genuine reason to work together.
This ex contacted him a year ago asking for her daughter to go on a job with him for work experience. At the time I said it felt odd and he agreed so didn't follow up the request. She's in contact/friends with one of his colleagues so I know there are other people she can approach. She contacted him again a few months ago with the same request and because she's dropped the 'stalking' behaviour he agreed. She's dropping the daughter off at his house to stay the night before because they have to leave early in the morning - she lives an hour away, not a million miles away.
Aibu to feel incredibly uncomfortable about this arrangement and her constant attempts to maintain contact with him? I see no reason for continued contact other than her daughter being interested in the same career as him.

There is so much we are missing here.

I mean, it could be:

1. they were together from when she was a toddler, considered him family, and he was an involved step father for a decade with a good relationship with her. In which case, her staying over and doing work experience with him seems perfectly fine. Him being friendly to her would be the decent thing to do.

2. it was a brief relationship and they didn't spend much time together, in which case it's a bit odd.

Or more likely somewhere in between.

As I've explained - the relationship lasted 2 years, they broke up over 3 years ago and she has consistently tried to rekindle the relationship, apparently that only stopped a few months ago.
At one point a couple of years ago she asked him to block her but she was still able to message him again so he clearly didn't completely block all contact with her.

He's not a close family friend and I doubt he's had any contact with this girl since the separation.

He absolutely craves the attention of starstruck females. I've seen him enough at work, when involved in our joint interest and in a capacity as teacher/mentor to know that it's what he craves and drives his ego and that's what this is about for him. My concern is he won't see if the ex is using the daughter as a reason to maintain some sort of friendship and I'm pretty certain this won't be a one off request/arrangement.

There is no other reason for them to be in contact. They're not friends, there's only one mutual friend/colleague, they don't mix in the same circles anymore, she lives an hour away.
My ex got up at 5am the other day to take one of our kids to an event over 2 hours away so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect his ex to have an early start and get this teenager where she needs to be early in the morning for this job.

I agree with your therapist. Early on in the relationship he agreed with you. Over time he has lapsed back because his ego isnt getting the same high from just your approval and he wants hers too. I am very wary of men that need a hareem or they get "depressed".

That's pretty much exactly what she said in our last session.
Thankyou
He's currently in bit of a sulk because I've backed off and reduced contact - the last thing I said was I need repair and reconnection from him and then had virtually no contact for 24 hours.

the last thing I said was I need repair and reconnection from him

From your previous posts on this thread you enjoy using therapy jargon. I think most partners, particularly men, would find that condescending, false and a huge turnoff. Are you able to relax with him and he with you?

OP Is this relationship meeting your needs? Because it doesn’t sound like it.

You know that you are allowed to end a relationship that isn’t working for you, right?

SHE was stalking HIM or so he says and then laid off on it and now is looking for a favour roughly translated to me is that she had a vague interest in keeping in touch, he likes to big himself up and classed it as stalking and when he saw her pull away he did something or said something or probably reached out himself to offer this favour of work experience. Men like him need validation constantly and this is his way of trying to make you the pick me girl. Honestly he sounds like a knob and i would get rid anyway and leave him to his perceived 'fanbase' of women instead.

Agree @Itsanewdawnitsanewdayitsanewlife4me and I think you are realising why his previous relationships haven't worked @naturalbaby . I am sure he has been told by all of the women he has dated that he has communication issues and needs to build emotional connections/work on repair but has decided he knows best and sulks instead. This is stonewalling and designed to bully you into agreeing and cow-towing to his needs. If you accept it no doubt it will only get worse as the relationship continues and you fall deeper into his need to have you need him completely and without any compromise.

I think you have been shown his character quite clearly and with minimal pain, so it might be a good time to exit.

I enjoy using therapy jargon? I've been going through a period of growth and therapy has been a big part of that so that I can detach from unhelpful patterns of behaviour that haven't worked in a previous relationship and take accountability for my feelings. I don't use it with him, I've heard his response to someone using it on him and knows it doesn't land well.

I doubt he reaches out and contacted her - he regularly forgets to respond to messages and needs prompting/reminding to reply so I know she asked a few times before he agreed.

I'm not ready to end the relationship but I'm getting close. When drama like this isn't happening then we have a lot of fun together, I laugh and relax like I've never been able to with anyone else.

Him doing something very much in line with his past behaviour is a deal breaker? Sorry but you sound fragile. Yes, exes can be a pest, but he's not done anything unexpected or out of character here I think and is only doing it because the boundaries you set for the ex have been subsequently met. Also, your therapist is diagnosing him as needing to feed his ego? Are they also treating him? Sounds bad form too.

You're taking too much notice of your therapist's opinions of your boyfriend. Your own direct experience of your boyfriend is what's important, not her remote diagnosis of him, via what you've told her. She can't possibly know what is going on in his head. If you don't like him being in contact with his ex, that's fair enough. It's your relationship and it has to work for you.

I thought my therapist's opinion was valid because I'm going to her trying to process how I feel and to figure what I need in terms of self care. A close friend who who's him well and knows about the exes past behaviour also says very similar things about him and finds this arrangement inappropriate.
My experience in the past has been that I focus too much on trying to control the other person and react badly when they don't do what I expect. Things like expecting my ex to make arrangements that prioritise my needs. I recognise with hindsight how damaging that was and have tried to shift my mindset towards what I can control.

Yes, I am fragile and anxious and I have reason to be from past experiences. This current arrangement nothing like anything I've ever experienced - the only ex I have contact with is the father of my children.

Being in a relationship with a man who "craves attention from starstruck females" isn't good, especially if you're fragile. If he's taking up this much headspace and causing so much angst, is he worth it? It's like your relationship is making you need more therapy. The right man would not require your therapist to decode him for you. You don't sound compatible, no amount of therapy can fix that really.

I know you're right, and I really appreciate all the responses.

I was going continuing therapy for personal growth and partly so I don't carry baggage and bad habits into a new relationship, but every week I need more support processing what he's done and how to cope with it. I know that sends a very clear message. I also know this relationship has helped me grow and become more myself in a lot of ways.
I know it's not the answer, but when his exes aren't on the scene/causing drama then things are really good.

You need more therapy. You are so far from being heeled and loving yourself that you are still seeing him as your future and his exes the issue. It is the fact he still entertains his exes that is the issue and you will never feel secure in this relationship.

I keep coming back to wonder why an ex partner/girlfriend would want to be friends and continue to be part of someone's life? Particularly when they didn't separate on good terms.

Yes I need more therapy and self care, I'm aware of that which is partly why I'm asking for other people's opinions to rationalise the anxious thoughts in my head and figure out why this woman bothers me so much.

I am sure if you spoke to her it would be him continuing contact. You clearly aren't hearing the full story. Men who need so much validation are looking for it wherever they can and never stop to fully consider the impact of seeking it on their biggest supporters. Maybe he has got used to self sabotaging in this way and pretends to himself each time that "the right woman" will accept him without him having to do any work or reflect on himself. Who knows. The question is more about how this affects you, day to day, and whether this is the life you want for the foreseeable future.

People can be friends with their exes, the reasons why don't matter. What matters is that you aren't happy in this relationship so end it.

Instead of trying to analyse his behaviour, take control of your own, decide that a relationship with this man isn't fulfilling to you and give yourself the time you need to heal from whatever trauma has lead to you requiring therapy.

I posted earlier in the thread, he forgets to respond to messages and when she made this request a few months ago he didn't respond until she contacted him again.

I'm not sure what a more appropriate response would have been or how someone would respond if they didn't let it get to them the way I have - super chilled, validating his good intentions?

He is turning you into a pick me girl. You know this will not work for you (and wouldn't for most women) because he is going to shut down on you and ignore you whenever he feels you aren't being forgiving enough. The cruelty in stonewalling is the complete loss of ability to repair, which causes spikes in you thinking you need him and lowering your standards. He will be well aware of this which is why he does it. It isn't healthy.

It doesnt matter why SHE wants to be in contact the issue is he is entertaining it. You are not comfortable with it, he is loving the attention of it and this is the biggest red flag. It will not get better OP, seriously walk away now, work on yourself and leave him to all of his exes and their kids if that is what he wants. He is who he is and you need to walk away and become the more healed and stronger version of you. I was you a few years ago and I cringe when I think back. We broke up, I was devastated but then I got through therapy, got 'me' back and now I feel revolted at the thoughts of my ex and his mindgames. You need to do the same believe me I have never been happier within myself and freer within myself.

I agree with this OP. Talking to a partner using therapy talk is not attractive. Try to stop it and talk to him like a partner, not a therapist. He might listen.