Relationship issues

[Blondie35]

I need some desperate advice but kind advice.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 7 months now.
it’s hard to put the whole relationship into a message like this but we were so in love. There has been a lot of bumps , I have worked on myself. The latest thing with us is along the way trust has been eroded by him and by me , I try to best to build it again , which I know takes time , the recent thing with him is , him wanting me to prove my life to him , I’m a singer and I go on tour soon , he told me I’m lying and I’m bullshitting , he wants proof , he’s always wanting proof of something with me. I recently had a small surgery and the surgery wound was covered up and I had laser surgery through time to get rid of the scar or try to and I didn’t inform him about the lasers and he now believes I lied about the whole surgery ! But I covered the scar up with makeup and had lasers as I was very insecure about the scar , last night he escalated so badly , he called me a cunt , I had his car keys in my bag and he said “give them to me or I’ll cause a scene” he’s never said anything like that , to add he apparently recently got diagnosed with unipolar depression which I’ve been struggling to deal with , his mood swings are bizarre, he left me in an area and didn’t drive me home last night , told me to prove my career to him , he feels I’m freezing him out and vague and not including him. He said I’ve never seen you perform in 7 months , I said well I am shy and your opinion matters to me etc.
move been building up the courage to perform more. I think I’m now desperately down and don’t know what to do anymore. Kind replies I’m very delicate.
I'm looking for some help and guidance, to me he’s shown red flags. He calls me impossible and that I’m back to the “same old me” when I didn’t do anything wrong yesterday , he said I came down with a face like a slapped arse he said , when I had just had a difficult conversation with my father whom I look after every day and is very hard to do. I also run a business and my career.
He is struggling with himself , his finances, he doesn’t have money , he’s a football coach , he also has family drama , he looks after his mum who has dementia. So it’s all a mess

You are in an abusive relationship. If you are finding it hard to leave him please speak to women’s aid. Perhaps when you are on tour the separation will help you to see clearly although be aware he may start love bombing you again to hoover you back in.

But I’m not the abusive one right ? I’m so calm and cool , supportive , everything ! And I do find it hard to leave yes , it’s killing me

Leave him, he’s horrible. It’s not supposed to be hard work.

You have only been in this 'relationship' 7 months, not 7 years! Speak to WA or a local one. Dump him asap safely. He is the abuser.

Good luck with your career.

At only seven months, if it is like this in what should still be a honeymoon period, I would break up. When he asks for proofs the correct answer IMO is no. Believe me or don’t, your problem not mine.

But I’m not the abusive one right ? I’m so calm and cool , supportive , everything ! And I do find it hard to leave yes , it’s killing me

Nothing you have mentioned in your post that you have done is abusive. Several of the things he has done are abusive. It is a common tactic for abusive people to accuse others of being abusive- this is the “reverse victim” part of DARVO (please read up on this if you don’t already know about it)

Nothing is supposed to be this much hard work OP, especially not after 7 months! Block and move on

You feel I should say no to this constant proof thing

Don't let him move in with you.

I know people say otherwise, but relationships really should be easy. Life is hard, love is easy. If it’s not easy, it’s the wrong person.

Whatever you feel for this man is only something you can fully know. But, he does not love you. These are not the actions of a man in love, they are the actions of a man trying to control you. He doesn’t sound too well either.

You should leave this relationship, go on tour and seek therapy.

You and he should not be together now and indeed it’s over because this is an abusive relationship. If this is what it’s like after a mere 7 months then its not going to get any better.

I would second the suggestion for you to contact Womens Aid. The freedom programme is for those in abusive relationships.

Yes I do. But you are missing the key bit - I think this is not a healthy relationship and you should leave him.

He called you a cunt and wants this “proof” nonsense - if you’re desperate for a man stick with him. If not, dump him.

7 months' in and you are working on yourself? Proving yourself?
This man is not relationship material.
He's a manipulative bully who will grind you down to nothing.
Look after yourself. Move on now whilst you can

Get rid ASAP, 7 months and he is this much work already? I hate to think what his ‘true colours’ look like when he gets a ring on your finger or baby in your belly (this is generally when abuse gets worse or starts).

Why though , I would like to understand why it gets worse when marriage or a baby comes along

Because in their eyes you are more trapped, deeper into the relationship and its harder to just walk away.

It doesnt matter why because you cannot change him. what you have now is what you get, and what you get is awful.

you need to seriously work on your self esteem. Why is this man attractive to you?

Because that level of commitment is way harder to escape.
Like really really hard.
And you have to live with the reasons you needed to escape.

You don't have to prove yourself to him. Next time he asks just say no.

You can learn a lot about a man by how they react to being told no.

Run away from this weirdo.

And work on your self esteem before getting involved again.

What have I just read?
He called you a cunt and you tolerate him questioning everything as if you are lying? He has no respect for you, none at all.
LTB ASAP.

The first time someone called me a cunt would be the last time they would see me. That would be it. Utter disrespect. Get as far away from this horror as you can. You have nothing to prove. Nothing at all.

If it is shit now without any pressure of life, add in the pressures that marriage and a baby will bring and ask yourself whether that is likely to make either of you more or less stressed? If the answer to having another human being to care for, lack of sleep, hormonal and bodily changes, financial pressure etc etc is that you are both likely to be less stressed, then crack on, safe in the knowledge that you are both unique.

If the answer is that any one of those things, or all of them, will increase stress then drop it now.

As PP have said, it really shouldn't require this much thought now. I know this because for years I found relationships that were no good for me. When I finally found my wife, it was seamless. No effort required at all. We gelled. I could never imagine how easy it would be to share my life with another person. I hope you find someone more deserving.