No to Anniversary vow renewal!

[SugarSpice2020]

Hi all,
has anyone else approached a milestone wedding anniversary (10 years for me) & not wanted to renew vows? The anniversary for us is forcing us to approach a topic it’s not been desirable to bring up.

my husband & I haven’t been getting on well romantically for several years; almost since our now 6 year old was born. I don’t see it improving much, I think the relationship has just moved on, at least for me (we were different people to start with & it’s become more evident since. Not compatible as life partners, aside practical matters).

he surprisingly just suggested renewing our vows by a lake tomorrow, child present! That would feel v false to me and not something I want to repeat anyway. If marriages had an expiring contract like a flat rental I would not be renewing! Practically a full separation would be very difficult at this point when child is young (reasons I’ve outlined in other posts). But we need to face facts that trying to stay romantic partners just isn’t working.i no longer want sex with him & don’t feel close, while he craves it / intimacy.

anyone been in same boat? How did you have ‘the conversation’ & how did it work out? Thx!

I usually assume there have been problems with the relationship

I’d very much expect that most marriage renewals are a thing that wives more than husbands would suggest, for one reason or another. For your husband to be suggesting it it seems he’s certainly viewing your relationship as something as very different to what you are. I think it would be unfair to string him along despite it being ‘difficult’ to separate. It’ll be harder the longer it goes on for and potentially more children down the road

Vow renewal = "who cheated?"

Vow renewal is usually bizarre shit. I wouldn’t consider it.

Do you want to sort the marriage out? If so, do it privately and explain this to your DH.

He wants to bolster the marriage, to renew the commitment to it- because he knows you are pulling away. I think some people would rather maintain marriage even when it’s sub par. He’d be perfectly happy to carry one enjoying the benefits of being married- financially easier, with sex and housekeeping thrown in.

You are the one who wants more- emotional intimacy at a guess.

Every time I hear of vow renewals I immediately think someone has cheated and the other has forgiven so they are taking vows again as the first ones did not seem to work.

Personally I have no idea why you need to renew vows, marriage is (sadly) not like renewing a passport if you feel like it, it is a commitment for life or till you kill him! Repeating the same vows you said before is not going to change anything, only conversations with each other can change whatever is cracked. Putting a plaster on something is never the answer.

It sounds like he wants to show you he wants to continue your marriage,
He knows things are bad. If you refuse, you will have to tell him that you feel renewing vows indicates prolonging the status quo & you have doubts on the subject.
I hope he hasn't got your child involved alreay

Totally agree.

Ive said my vows and dont need to say them again!

I've decided that they only need renewing when you break them!

has anyone else approached a milestone wedding anniversary & not wanted to renew vows?

Most people don’t want to renew vows, surely?

This. Vow renewals are for couples where someone has cheated. Otherwise it’s just not a thing. It’s also deeply naff

I think when a couple have been through really tough times, that could have broken them and they've chosen to stay together, a vow renewal can be a lovely thing. It's saying to your partner that you'd still choose them, even knowing all the bad times. It doesn't have to mean someone has cheated, even though they do seem to often follow this!

But you aren't in a place where you want to tell your husband that you'd still choose him, that you are choosing him. So this would not be a good thing for you - it would feel like a lie.
It's manipulative of him to push this when he knows you don't feel it.
I think you should look at how best to separate tbh - the love has gone.

I'd never consider renewing vows on any anniversary.

I agree with others, naff. The vow renewals I’ve heard of have been between couples I know for a fact are not happy. We’re coming up to our 10 year anniversary and can’t think of anything we want to do less than a vow renewal… but then again we didn’t even have any guests at our actual wedding so it clearly isn’t for us.

I think you need to be honest with him. You’re clearly now “in” the relationship anymore.

Vow renewal usually makes me think a couple/a marriage has been struggling.

It’s something you’d need to go into with full commital and it’s a decision that should be made together (like getting married) so YANBU to refuse.

Your other threads that you mentioned in your original post show that you can't stand the man and are only not yet divorced because you don't have a job and have to live in the country you're currently in.

There's nothing to resolve this except divorcing. You, your husband and the child could all be enjoying a happy life instead of this miserable charade.

When I get invited to a renewal I always wonder who had the affair… I know that isn’t always the case but that’s just what comes to mind.

I agree. Only vows that have been broken need to be renewed.

I can't see the point of it.

One of my close friends is planning a vow renewal next year, on their 20th wedding anniversary. As far as I know there is no cheating involved. I have no idea why they want to do it

I think in this situation it’s the reverse!

OP- this isn’t really sustainable is it?

vow renewal = someone has cheated

The only time I've ever known a couple renew their vows was on their 25th wedding anniversary, when they had a church service, full-on reception, the lot. They got married very young in a register office with a handful of witnesses, and always felt like they'd missed out on the 'proper' wedding. So when they could afford a big one, they did it in style.

Thanks all. I haven’t cheated and I don’t think he has either. Upon discussing yesterday what he wanted to ‘renew’ it was, to my relief, not the whole wedding shebang about ‘love, honour, obey, til death do us part’ etc. he wants to show appreciation for the good times & my efforts plus a way forward. We both agreed things have changed since marriage & we both want to be happy, provide a stable life for child etc but realistically it may no longer be as romantic partners.
i think he is sad because it’s me pulling away. He didn’t want this - however I do think he ignored my concerns prior to marriage about our compatibility- turns out I was right.
anyway, I do feel better we can hopefully agree a path forward that works for us all. Maybe for now trying to function as co parents under same roof, with somewhat deist age lives. This is the reality of a lot of marriages I think but some people choose not to confront which leads to cheating etc. I’d rather face reality.

meantime I’d better get on and write out a card. I do appreciate he’s a good husband & father. 10 years only = tin / aluminium though - I do think gold medals more in order!!!

I would not be doing the vow renewal. Your many posts show that you’re desperate to return to the UK or leave this man

Never understood the need for one