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Original poster

Love life....

48 replies

Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 11:04

Looking for some advice.
Been with my partner 18mnths, previously friends for some years.
He is 53, keeps himself healthy, exercising and good diet. Non smoker, little alcohol. He is unable to maintain an erection enough to have sex without using viagra. He can masterbate without it and he does. All fine.

I am feeling quite unsatisfied in our love life. If i try to initiate sex its awkward because he needs to take a pill and wait for it to work. So this has led to a situation where he is the one in charge of when we have sex, which isnt often, less than once a week, sometimes weeks pass. If i mention it he will say his libido has taken a nose dive. But he has enough libido to regularly masterbate. I'd imagine because its easier. Less hassle.

Is this pretty usual at this age. I dont feel ready to have practically no sex life. It's a part of my life that's important to me.

Any advice.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 25/05/2026 11:06

If this is a deal-breaker for you OP, you probably need to break up with him. You've only been together 18 months and if things are bad now they will only get worse. I suspect he's one of those that was single for a very good reason.

Bonden · 25/05/2026 11:09

Stop viewing sex as all about the penis?

ToadRage · 25/05/2026 11:12

I am no expert but surely if he can do it when he
masturbates, why can't he do it with you? Could you try him getting himself hard then you join in, do you do much foreplay? Can he try not masturbating so often, then he may find it easier to get it up for you. Has he seen a professional? It may be his age my husband is mid 40's and his libido has dropped in recent years.

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 11:24

@Bonden i dont. I dont just mean penetrative sex. He is not keen full stop.

@cheezncrackers yeah ive considered this may be the case....

@ToadRage he won't see gp. Even the viagra is bought online. He has symptoms of enlarged prostate but won't see gp. Despite reassuring him that a digital examination is no longer necessary and they would just take blood

OP posts:
Hito · 25/05/2026 11:30

If he has symptoms of an enlarged prostate and won't get a simple blood test just to check PSA levels then he's not very intelligent is he?
Do Not let this affect your self esteem.

Jan6 · 25/05/2026 11:55

It is possible that he actually sees you more of a friend than lover and he has found it difficult to switch into that lover mode. Perhaps your relationship feels like comfortable to him rather than exhilarating .

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 13:41

@Hito thank you. It does sting a bit. Bought nice new underwear that he had pointed out and saying he liked. Wore it. Didn't even mention it and there was no action of any sort. Its hard to not feel rejected.

@Jan6 i think it's just lack of interest in sex because of the erectile dysfunction. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

OP posts:
Jan6 · 25/05/2026 13:44

Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 13:41

@Hito thank you. It does sting a bit. Bought nice new underwear that he had pointed out and saying he liked. Wore it. Didn't even mention it and there was no action of any sort. Its hard to not feel rejected.

@Jan6 i think it's just lack of interest in sex because of the erectile dysfunction. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

At his age, it’s only going to get worse so you maybe need to ask yourself is this is ok with you.

My DH lost interest around then too. I just have to live with it or we have to split up.

Hito · 25/05/2026 13:45

"He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me."

Which might not be very long if he doesn't see the GP. 12500 men approx die from prostate cncer every year. That's one every 45 minutes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2026 13:46

Don’t spend the rest of your life with him. I’d be telling him that you want to break up with him.

SilverPink · 25/05/2026 13:52

Hmmm… I wouldn’t say it’s a lack of interest in sex as he’s quite clearly getting horny, just not with you. So either he doesn’t really fancy you and would prefer to be friends/companions, as another poster said, or he doesn’t really want sex with an actual human as wanking off to a bit of porn is so much easier. Either way, I think you’re wasting your time on this one.

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 14:06

Thanks for all the replies. He enjoys the company but yeah i think sex is too big a hassle for him and he's happy satisfying himself through masteterbation.
It's a shame because we've had good sex over the past year, so much so he's told me he can't believe that at hus age he is having the best sex of his life.
But sadly its a rare occurrence these days.

I don't see myself with him for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 25/05/2026 14:07

How old are you?

Girl separate as friends and get yourself on tinder, lifes too short for shit sex xxx

MeganM3 · 25/05/2026 14:10

Once a week or so is hardly a rare occurrence. Sounds really normal in a long term relationship, which this is becoming. It all sounds really normal for the age bracket tbh. I wouldn’t dump him just because of this, but find a way to make it work for both of you if you want to enjoy a relationship together. A attractive partner who is also a friend isn’t the easiest thing to find.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 25/05/2026 14:10

Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 14:06

Thanks for all the replies. He enjoys the company but yeah i think sex is too big a hassle for him and he's happy satisfying himself through masteterbation.
It's a shame because we've had good sex over the past year, so much so he's told me he can't believe that at hus age he is having the best sex of his life.
But sadly its a rare occurrence these days.

I don't see myself with him for the rest of my life.

What about you getting the best sex of YOUR life? He sounds selfish, if he’s horny enough to sort himself out regularly but can’t really be bothered with you, I’d be wondering what he’s watching when he’s on his own tbh.

BeEagerTurtle · 25/05/2026 14:30

Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 11:24

@Bonden i dont. I dont just mean penetrative sex. He is not keen full stop.

@cheezncrackers yeah ive considered this may be the case....

@ToadRage he won't see gp. Even the viagra is bought online. He has symptoms of enlarged prostate but won't see gp. Despite reassuring him that a digital examination is no longer necessary and they would just take blood

Symptoms of enlarged prostate can be different for different men, I had the urinary symptoms with no ED or libido issues- I had urine tests- PAS tests - urgent cancer referrals and several internal checks to diagnose BPE and I’m now on alpha blockers.

he should have a PSA test ( not considered accurate) and go from there

He could move move to low dose cialis daily pills to help with the erectile dysfunction and needs a testosterone check for libido symptoms

BeEagerTurtle · 25/05/2026 14:38

Hito · 25/05/2026 13:45

"He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me."

Which might not be very long if he doesn't see the GP. 12500 men approx die from prostate cncer every year. That's one every 45 minutes.

ED is not necessarily a symptom of BPE - but yes all men over 50 should have a yearly PSA test as there are no cancer screening programs for men

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 14:52

@BeEagerTurtle he's unwilling to see anyone re these things. He's had blood in his urine on and off for past year, ed and flow issues. He doesn't do drs and certainly not for this type of thing.
It's frustrating but he's an adult. How does the cialis work? I will look it up but he is loathed to take medication.

@SnowflakeSmasher86 yeah id like to be having the best sex of my life too! He can be quite selfish sexually. We've had many long stressful discussions about it. I've tried to be flexible and understanding over the ed. He hates taking the viagra. So sometimes he can manage intercourse without it but it's not great for me as obviously a bit flaccid, no chance of me orgasming. So ive suggested if that's fine for him, foreplay afterwards to satisfy me would work, but he says post orgasm he feels the moment has passed. I found that selfish and difficult to hear but i at least i know where i stand. If we concentrate on me first the chances are the erection is long gone so it's tricky.

@MeganM3 once a week be ok if it was once a week of decent sex. But its now less often and poor quality.

@mumofoneAloneandwell im late 40s but i am fit and healthy and feel good. Ive previously enjoyed an amazing sex life with my ex and i miss that a lot.

OP posts:
Jan6 · 25/05/2026 15:02

I think you are flogging a dead horse here.

The fact he won’t go to the doctors when he has had blood in his urine is just utterly foolish. That can actually be a sign of bladder cancer amongst other things.

Why are some men so stupid when it comes to things like this.

BeEagerTurtle · 25/05/2026 15:06

Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 14:52

@BeEagerTurtle he's unwilling to see anyone re these things. He's had blood in his urine on and off for past year, ed and flow issues. He doesn't do drs and certainly not for this type of thing.
It's frustrating but he's an adult. How does the cialis work? I will look it up but he is loathed to take medication.

@SnowflakeSmasher86 yeah id like to be having the best sex of my life too! He can be quite selfish sexually. We've had many long stressful discussions about it. I've tried to be flexible and understanding over the ed. He hates taking the viagra. So sometimes he can manage intercourse without it but it's not great for me as obviously a bit flaccid, no chance of me orgasming. So ive suggested if that's fine for him, foreplay afterwards to satisfy me would work, but he says post orgasm he feels the moment has passed. I found that selfish and difficult to hear but i at least i know where i stand. If we concentrate on me first the chances are the erection is long gone so it's tricky.

@MeganM3 once a week be ok if it was once a week of decent sex. But its now less often and poor quality.

@mumofoneAloneandwell im late 40s but i am fit and healthy and feel good. Ive previously enjoyed an amazing sex life with my ex and i miss that a lot.

Blood in his urine could be bladder cancer, kidney stones or kidney infections or other serious life threatening illnesses

don’t bother anyone unless he sees a GP straight away

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 25/05/2026 15:07

@Jan6 i don't understand it. I've tried to discuss it with him. I've told him if not for himself then as a father he has a responsibility to look after himself. But he does his own thing. He's tricky. Has some unusual beliefs.
Flogging a dead horse might be quite true.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 25/05/2026 15:10

It's a well known porn affliction.

Flogging a dead horse might be quite true. Pun intended?

kidsbeingloudagain · 25/05/2026 15:14

If you want a decent sex life - or actually, any sex life at all, you need to find it with someone else. You can still be friends - that seems to be what he’s looking for and what he’s happy to offer, so accept that and find someone else for a relationship.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 25/05/2026 15:20

I would step back from this relationship.

He seems to be quite focused on himself: what he wants/needs with little or no consideration of your wants/needs. He doesn't seem committed to improving your sex life with him.

He's indifferent to your dissatisfaction.

Also if/when he gets sick, you'll be expected to ferry him to/from appointments, be supportive/understanding etc and be the modern day equivalent of Florence Nightingale.

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 25/05/2026 15:26

MeganM3 · 25/05/2026 14:10

Once a week or so is hardly a rare occurrence. Sounds really normal in a long term relationship, which this is becoming. It all sounds really normal for the age bracket tbh. I wouldn’t dump him just because of this, but find a way to make it work for both of you if you want to enjoy a relationship together. A attractive partner who is also a friend isn’t the easiest thing to find.

I don’t really agree with this. Partner is 44 and I’m nearly 50. We’ve been together 6 years and twice a week is a minimum, every day when we are on holiday or bank holidays . 18 months should be the honeymoon period - lots and lots of sex and fun. The problem with the partner is the complete lack of interest in sex, nothing to do with age, it’s a “him” thing.