5 years in & neither partner nor his oldest BF have ever organised for me to meet BF’s family ….

[KidsDoBetter]

This is a funny one. And I do KNOW that the fault lies largely with my OH.

So, my DP & I - v late 40s are together nearly 5 years. He’s got a small friendship group of 3 friends from his home town - who don’t live near us - that we’ve stayed with / they’ve stayed with us. One couple largely because the wife and I organised it. .. but all good.

My DP is my his own admission just really crap at organising social stuff with both friends and his family. I’m ok with that.

He does however have his truly “best” friend - since they were 5, he was his best man etc etc. I have only met this guy twice - essentially in “passing”. We got on well, all seemed fine.

For the last 18months, we have lived less than an hour from the friend and his family (they have younger kids). Essentially we moved to their part of the country. I am SO hurt that we as a couple have never once been invited to their home. I have never met his wife or his kids.

Clearly they could come here. But when I mentioned OP organising that he says oh it’s harder for them to go places with young kids. He sees the friend pretty often - at the friends behest. He invites my partner over to do a hobby that he and his kid enjoy. Last time he went in March I did express how utterly bizarre and quite hurtful it was that after 4.5yrs I had yet to be invited to meet X and his family. He agreed and said X has mentioned us coming over for dinner etc he’d get a date in the diary.

Yet here we are another few months down the line and I’m sat here like a lemon on a bank holiday whilst he’s out in the countryside with this friend.

I know this is an OH issue but my friends would be mortified to be in the same position. We’ve been invited to the country houses of them - a very wide group that has extended every warmth and hospitality to him. Pisses me right off I must say. Just rude. By them both.

Well if it was dictatorial I'd be a bit of a shit dictator, eh? 😉

My partner claims to want me to meet them though I have reassured him that they should continue to do the hobby with his friend and the friends DC.

I didnt say you were good at it 😁

Surely the immediate problem is that he's chosen to go out with friend for the bank holiday day not spend it with you? What would have happened if you'd said you wanted to come?

Lol :)))) I get you ....

Why would that be a problem? Lots of people do things with their friends on a bank holiday rather than their families

Nah that's not a problem to me. There were 3 days in the bank hol - we spent 2 and evening of 3rd. I am more than happy to have a day on my own.

It was more the fact that it highlighted that I still had never met his friend and family.

I wouldn't have said I was coming - don't have the gear or the inclination. Plus if I did that I'd think in that case the friend would have an actual reason to resent me as that is mad behaviour. Whereas now I am not sure if he resents me ...

Exactly! Yes the whole 3 days I might have been a bit miffed as we do spend quite a bit of time away for work so aren't always together. But a day was fine obvs.

Is it that you are, understandably, a bit hurt that his ex may have met the wife/family but you are somehow not good enough? I would just ask him.

I’m sat here like a lemon on a bank holiday whilst he’s out in the countryside with this friendIt was this bit in your OP that led me to feel you were not happy with the day's arrangements. People don't usually say they are 'sat here like a lemon' about a situation they are comfortable and satisfied with.

That's fair - that was the frustration about the lack of meeting rather than him doing something on a bank hol per se.

You know I don't know if he/ his family met his ex either. I've never asked that.

All I can think of:
• brokeback mountain
• wife doesn’t like hosting, which I 100% get
• wife knows…….. someone else. Are you on their socials? Does this woman know you?

I know it sounds far fetched but we know someone who has brought her boyfriend around multiple times, my mother has hosted them etc - turns out she’s been a side piece for 10 years. She introduces him as her boyfriend but he’s a married man with small children.

Why don’t you communicate?

personally I’m happy for my husband to go off socialising but it’s nice if I’m invited sometimes

And? Men with kids can be in a relationship

This (and the frankly insane throuple notion) answers why abusive men tend to accuse women of having affairs with female friends, I guess. Nothing to do with actually wanting to spend time not being supervised or stuck at home, they have to be in a lesbian relationship.

There's a heap of over thinking by some posters here - brokeback mountain, thruples etc. Some people just have busy lives and don't see the need to expand their friendship groups. The partner and the friend enjoy their hobby together. I'm not seeing why their needs to be couple get togethers as well, or 'popping in' ( shudder).

Not sure why and I think we should extend the invitation - just for lunch and a run about the park for the kids. Who aren't little - more like 12/13. He doesn't agree so I've just said we should just leave it.

Please don't offer a lunch followed by a run around in the park for 12/13 year olds! They'll think you are a little strange! Might just be different life stages - they are likely busy with work and children's activities and their friends also have children of a similar age and just more in common.

he is adamant that them coming here would be too tricky

This is really odd and it really does sound as though he really doesn't want you to meet his friend's family, for some reason. It's puzzling.

How can it be tricky to host a family that he knows? Unless they're too big to fit through the door or only eat eucalyptus leaves or something, surely it's just.... having people round?!

ok then, I’d just refer to him every time now as a variation on these - John who you don’t want me to meet his family? John who doesn’t like me? John where you pretend your single and want me ti be fine about it?

enough that it annoys your dh every time so his ofd behaviour is not frictionless for him either, which it has been to date. How was John, does he still wish you were single? How was John, did he give you another reason to use for why I’m not allowed to meet them?
him: snappy I wish you’d cut it out.
you: sing song this could sooo easily be fixed but you can’t seem to manage it once in 5 years… I guess because John wishes you were single and my existence annoys him.