5 years in & neither partner nor his oldest BF have ever organised for me to meet BF’s family ….

[KidsDoBetter]

This is a funny one. And I do KNOW that the fault lies largely with my OH.

So, my DP & I - v late 40s are together nearly 5 years. He’s got a small friendship group of 3 friends from his home town - who don’t live near us - that we’ve stayed with / they’ve stayed with us. One couple largely because the wife and I organised it. .. but all good.

My DP is my his own admission just really crap at organising social stuff with both friends and his family. I’m ok with that.

He does however have his truly “best” friend - since they were 5, he was his best man etc etc. I have only met this guy twice - essentially in “passing”. We got on well, all seemed fine.

For the last 18months, we have lived less than an hour from the friend and his family (they have younger kids). Essentially we moved to their part of the country. I am SO hurt that we as a couple have never once been invited to their home. I have never met his wife or his kids.

Clearly they could come here. But when I mentioned OP organising that he says oh it’s harder for them to go places with young kids. He sees the friend pretty often - at the friends behest. He invites my partner over to do a hobby that he and his kid enjoy. Last time he went in March I did express how utterly bizarre and quite hurtful it was that after 4.5yrs I had yet to be invited to meet X and his family. He agreed and said X has mentioned us coming over for dinner etc he’d get a date in the diary.

Yet here we are another few months down the line and I’m sat here like a lemon on a bank holiday whilst he’s out in the countryside with this friend.

I know this is an OH issue but my friends would be mortified to be in the same position. We’ve been invited to the country houses of them - a very wide group that has extended every warmth and hospitality to him. Pisses me right off I must say. Just rude. By them both.

You moved so your partner could be near his friend.

This is really strange.

There have been times when we’ve been driving down near their house and I’ve thought wow would you not just call and pop in to say hi.

This varies, but some people actually hate when people are driving by and just pop in. Some people know to wait for an invitation. Maybe the friend or his wife are like this and don't like drop in visits and your bf knows this. If you did that to me I'd tell you this wasn't a good time and that I would let you know when it was a good time.

Prior to us moving closer to them my bf would go and stay with them and I had no inkling that she resented that. Or the fact the stay was a lot around the hobby. I should say they haven’t always done this hobby. They are very much childhood friends and the interest in the hobby is a more recent thing.

It sounds like the friend and his wife just aren't interested in socializing with you, for whatever reason. Maybe the wife really doesn't care for your BF so much. Having a regular guest with kids in the home is a hassle. Maybe they're just a really busy family with a lot going on. Sometimes friendship groups are open and inclusive, but it sounds like this one isn't. Just because they do things differently than you expect doesn't mean they're rude.

It’s his friend not yours so I don’t see why you are so annoyed by it. I have no desire to meet my DH friend family.

This.

Plus, does the wife not get a say in this?
If neither the friend nor your husband are arsed about meeting as a family, why would she invite you?

Perheps the friend says “oh no, they wouldn’t want to come here and deal with our small kids”

If they wanted to organise a dinner, they would. But it seems like it is not a priority for them. They have their thing when they meet. If he was attending dinenr parties solo, then i wiuld feel very weird but if they meet up at a hobby then it is not like they are uninviting you.

I don't have a relationship with majority of my friends spouses. Most of them have not met my bf, mainly cause I just meet with my friend without partners. If my partner was keen to meet a friend, I would organise it.

I would propbaly once more say that you would really like to meet them and feel weird that you've not met her best friend. If he still can't be bothered to organise anything then I would just leave it.

I suspect that the best friend has lots of stories about your partner that he doesn't want you to hear. Meeting in passing as you say, he couldn't have predicted but he's restricting access for some reason. Are you sure he's married and got kids ? My gut is saying there's a secret he doesn't want you to know.

She has a pet name for him?!

I am betting they are a throuple and you are an extra that was not meant to happen.

Even if not physically a throuple, emotionally a system of 3. They felt they had rights over your bf and priority in some way over you.

You’re assuming that they aren’t interested, but you don’t know- they might have invited you many times and he might have put them off, made excuses- like he has done when you’ve mentioned it. He’s being pretty strange. Most people really want their partner and best friend to get on imo.

He only has 3 friends is very telling
he’s not sociable which is absolutely fine

I think you sound quite unreasonable. Your moaning they haven't invited you over, but you haven't invited them over?

And they have kids so it's hard? That's your assumption. You haven't actually asked.

If I was the wife of the BF, I might even be thinking they always have your hubby over playing with their kid and you don't bother going to play too.

And maybe hubby tells them you like a break or something just like he's told you its hard for them. Maybe there's a reason he doesn't want you meeting.

I'd just invite them.

’Let’s put something in the diary’ is bs, it’s a statement designed to kick the can down the road in the hopes that you’ll stop asking. Your partner knows why an invitation has never been extended to you. The reason doesn’t have to be anything major but your partner is choosing not to be honest.

It could be that whenever the friend has time, he really wants to do the hobby and then rush home to do other things. Maybe it’s not about you but the fact that he (or even your partner) prefers to do the hobby more than socialising as a family.

Just invite them to yours op.

You think the English are odd and cold? Nice!

I have plenty of friends dh doesn't mix with. He isn't very sociable and more family orientated.

I think you need to accept your dp needs time away from you.

I agree. I was getting Broke back mountain vibes though 😉 He probably doesn't take the dc to this 'hobby'?

I agree that it's odd. I don't think I'd like this either and yes, Brokeback Mountain vibes here, too.

Maybe his wife just isn't the sociable type. Maybe having multiple small children, their house is chaos and she isn't comfortable with guests. Maybe she can't find a babysitter she trusts.

It's nothing you have done OP, so why worry about it? Extend an occasional invitation but if she doesn't want to, there is nothing you can do.

in the nicest of ways get a grip. My husband sees plenty of this friends on his own. I don’t feel the need to invite them and their wives and kids over or expect their wives to host me. Likewise I see my friends and don’t bring my entire family with me. I used to do more of that open house stuff before Covid but to be honest I work a lot and entertaining is now so expensive we rarely have people over that aren’t parents of my kids friends.

You put something in your diary for an afternoon BBQ. Invite one of your best friends and fam and also your DP's best friend and family.
Maybe for your partner's birthday.

It is a bit weird so you need to meet up and see for yourself.

I found it quite hard to keep up with socialising when my nd dc was young. For one thing my house got shabbier and shabbier as we procrastinated redecorating. Life was easier when we maintained routines, and sometimes untenable if we didn’t. Dh and I got into the habit of socialising separately and only inviting family over.

I went 6 years without a full nights sleep. Socialising turned from a pleasurable past time to something costly. I prioritised socialising with dc’s friends, for their benefit, with family and on the occasions I could, with my personal friends. I just didn’t have the bandwidth to entertain wives and girlfriends of dh’s friends.

@KidsDoBetter I would count my blessings if I were you. Dh insists on seeing his friends in couple as couples. So dinners here and at theirs. Especially one friend's wife is horrible because she's so stingy that it hurts (I eat before going there). Over the years I have persuaded him to see his friends on his own because I just can't be bothered.

Thanks all - taking in all the views. Inc the avant garde thruple and brokeback scenarios which most definitely aren't the case.

But what it boils down to is that the last time by BF was over in Feb he and the friend then said - oh we must get KDB over to see the house etc etc. They do entertain and have a very large property. But then in true my BF fashion (and some men generally) - nothing was actually planned or put in the diary. He is by his own admission a terribly inactive planner.

So then the next invitation that came - from the friend - was oh come over and do hobby with his DC - and my BF said he felt he couldn't say - oh but we were going to do something involving KDB. But to him it feels the ball was in friends court.

We talked about it on sunday and he is adamant that them coming here would be too tricky. Not sure why and I think we should extend the invitation - just for lunch and a run about the park for the kids. Who aren't little - more like 12/13. He doesn't agree so I've just said we should just leave it.

I feel his friend just wants the friendship to continue as before and why not. It worked much better for him for my DP to be single, no kids and available to fit in around their busier family schedule. My own sense is that there is an underlying resentment in him now having a partner - even though he professed great joy that we were moving much closer to them in our first home together.

Oh someone upthread said it was mad that our reason for moving was to be close to his oldest friend.

Yes that would indeed be mad. We moved for many other reasons but when weighing up the pros and cons - this friend being close by was a minor pro.

I have made quite a few friends and connections since moving - so for me this isn't about suddenly imposing a "couples friendship" on them - more, I'd like to meet them and the kids at least once. My partner fills me in with all their news, latest home improvments, whats going on with the kids etc when he returns from visits. Which now grates a little TBH. Like, I am supposed to be interested in the minutae of their lives but they don't want to meet me. Odd.

Fair enough! Lol

Hi dh, I don’t think it’s ok to just say oh I’m shit at some thing and we will all just accept that. You can take our child with you to see John from now until I’ve met the family. I don’t feel like supporting your lovely days out anymore, and it can’t be an issue as he’s always taken his child. I’m the lemon here not getting time to myself like his wife. Let me know if you’ve suddenly found the capacity to organise a family catch up, until then do not go without dc.

"I feel his friend just wants the friendship to continue as before and why not."

As does your partner. Once again you put the onus on one without the other.

But I'm not sure why their views (if your interpretation is correct which we dont know) should be overruled by you. Its all a bit dictatorial.

@99bottlesofkombucha - my OP and I don't have kids together. We just each have grown up kids so no issue in that regard. His friend had kids much later and takes one of them out on the hobby with my OP. The other one doesn't because they aren't interested in it apparently.
What the mum does with the other child on those days I don't know. Nor do I know if it annoys her. But I was past the "needing a break" stage by time my lot were 11/12.
Its normally a good 6/7 hour day. My DP was invited to go back for dinner with the family after the hobby on sunday but declined.