Struggling with irrational jealousy over partners ex

[CaribbeanChaos]

I seem to have developed an irrational jealousy (maybe not the right word, obsession perhaps) towards my partners ex. He doesn’t love her or even like her very much any more but I spend so much time thinking about her and even comparing myself to her. I never used to have these issues. They divorced before I met him and he hasn’t given me any reason recently to think he doesn’t love me or anything.

She’s been very controlling of him in the past and now she can’t control him as much as she used to, she is manipulating the children and making things awkward when they are with us. She is trying to find other ways to control him such as making up dramas to contact him about that actually aren’t true or aren’t as dramatic as she is making out (eg she’s told something has happened and their child is upset about it but the child insists they aren’t at all bothered by it and that it’s not happening to them and wasn’t even sure what their dad was talking about when he spoke with them). She also plans things for the children on our time and expects us to juggle things to accommodate them. She refuses to speak to me or acknowledge me and glares at me if we see each other in public. She spends a lot of time putting me down in a non direct way. I’ve ignored it for a long time but it all seems to be getting on top of me now and I’m not sure how to handle it.

Any advice please as I’m annoying myself and just want to get to a point where she doesn’t have time in my thoughts.

Pick up and drop off are an issue for us. God forbid I open the door to my own house. She demands a full debrief of the week. The children are teenagers, not toddlers. It’s like permanently walking on eggshells. I do think I need to just let it all wash over me though. She’s so insignificant in my partners life (purely transactional) that I need to be more like him.

how do you deal with it all?

I do wonder if I’d feel differently if we got on and she wasn’t so hostile towards me. She’s trying to keep some level of control over my partner which she is losing. It’s sad really.

If the children are teenage they will want to run their own lives sooner or later and her behaviour won't play well with them

I won't pretend they are best mates or anything like that but I am friendly with another ex of mine - no children and they enjoy each others company on the odd occasion when they meet

I certainly find it easier to rationalise her behaviour as we do get on and don't think she's being malicious.

I don't really understand why my partners ex kicks off about some things, most recent was she booked herself a holiday and asked if we could have the kids extra, all fine. We booked a holiday with the children (checked dates first) and she has complained that we are taking away from her time with the children. It's taken 3 phone calls and a family meeting to resolve. It's the sheer amount of energy that goes in to managing her discomfort and emotions in these situations that I find frustrating. I stay well out of it.

I don't know what arrangements there are but I suggest in future you don't change them citing what happened last time

So she can go away and lose time with the children, but you can’t take them away? I’m struggling to see why it requires 3 phone calls and a meeting. It sounds a bit extreme.

Exactly my feelings on it. As you say, it's about control and attention from DP. We are many years in and no sign of improvement on issues like this. It used to really wind me up but now just largely ignore it.

Another thing you could try, which is something I used to do, is have a chat GPT / Gemini thread running to analyse why she was doing certain things. Meant I could be very open about my feelings and say exactly what I wanted without it being a big discussion.

Thank you. I actually use AI for other aspects of my life and tested it out yesterday. It was like a free counselling session and will definitely help.

I hope your situation becomes easier. I just don’t understand why they behave how they do.

Don't forget that as the children are teenage you don't have much time left having to deal with you partners ex

I’ve been dealing with a similar situation for a couple of years and I’m near the end of my tether. I feel your pain. Constant drama, phone calls and messages. It’s ridiculous. The kids are smart enough now to make up lies to each of the parents which causes more arguments. You feel as if you’re a helpful add on to chaos that existed before you even turned up.

I honestly think we are stuck with her forever. She makes up drama to contact my partner. The eldest is 19 and she still feels the need to be in contact about him. The youngest is 13 and she insists on a handover each week for the younger two.

When my oldest turned 16 I wrote to EXW saying never to contact me again unless there was an emergency involving him.

To be fair she has abided by it

I deal with it by being where im
meant to be at the time im meant to be there and sitting there getting progressively more annoyed every minute that she is purposefully late (usually 20-30). Annoyance which I then squash and then later vent to DH! We have started saying to the boys that it’s not really reasonable is it? To try and plant the seed that maybe it’s not ok to treat us and our time with such disrespect for no reason at all-but we never push it with them. It’s not their fault and they are in a loyalty bind and tbh seem quite scared of her and her new husband in some ways.
They might see through it at some point on their own but at 12 and 14 there is little point in going back to court. Nothing is ever enforced anyway.

it is beginning to affect our marriage a bit as I resent the effect it has on us as a family and tbh the nastiness of it all gets to me and I sometimes get annoyed that DH didn’t nip this in the bud when it first started. And he in turn feels guilty and sad and so we go around and probably will til The boys are 18 or she wins and they stop coming at all, whichever is sooner :(

We have moved an hour and a half away from my work and all our friends to follow the boys to where she moved them to, in order to move in with her boyfriend (we and the boys could no longer cope with doing the long school runs 50/50). It’s not somewhere we would have chosen to live and if I’m honest it’s hard to accept that this is our life now and it’s been entirely dictated by someone else’s (unpleasant) choices.

I probably need some therapy!

Your partner has to be the one to put in boundaries with his ex wife. The children are his children, not yours and it's his responsibility to deal with his ex.

Take a step back. Deal with your own children, and let him manage his children and ex. If she makes changes, and it interferes with plans, then make it plain to him, that he either stands up for himself or you'll continue with your plans.