Struggling with irrational jealousy over partners ex

[CaribbeanChaos]

I seem to have developed an irrational jealousy (maybe not the right word, obsession perhaps) towards my partners ex. He doesn’t love her or even like her very much any more but I spend so much time thinking about her and even comparing myself to her. I never used to have these issues. They divorced before I met him and he hasn’t given me any reason recently to think he doesn’t love me or anything.

She’s been very controlling of him in the past and now she can’t control him as much as she used to, she is manipulating the children and making things awkward when they are with us. She is trying to find other ways to control him such as making up dramas to contact him about that actually aren’t true or aren’t as dramatic as she is making out (eg she’s told something has happened and their child is upset about it but the child insists they aren’t at all bothered by it and that it’s not happening to them and wasn’t even sure what their dad was talking about when he spoke with them). She also plans things for the children on our time and expects us to juggle things to accommodate them. She refuses to speak to me or acknowledge me and glares at me if we see each other in public. She spends a lot of time putting me down in a non direct way. I’ve ignored it for a long time but it all seems to be getting on top of me now and I’m not sure how to handle it.

Any advice please as I’m annoying myself and just want to get to a point where she doesn’t have time in my thoughts.

Well she can only continue to be so interfering if your partner doesn’t put his foot down and makes it clear he won’t engage with it. You don’t have to do anything when it’s his time with the kids.

I would make my own plans for his contact time, then her manipulation won’t affect you.

(eg she’s told something has happened and their child is upset about it but the child insists they aren’t at all bothered by it and that it’s not happening to them and wasn’t even sure what their dad was talking about when he spoke with them).

This is completely normal behaviour for children of divorced parents, who sometimes feel they're caught in the midde of them.

It doesn't mean they weren't upset and that mum is making it up.

My advice to you is to back off and stop getting so involved mentally in what their relationship was like, as she'll have a completly different version of it.

Just make your own plans those weekends. Ignore her completely. She has nothing you need or want.

It’s not weekends. It’s 50/50 so I can’t disappear for half the year.

Of course you can, these are your boyfriend's kids, not yours.

Once he sees you're not going to change your plans for his ex, hopefully he'll stop changing his too.

It's up to your partner to deal with his ex when it comes to extracurricular activities for the children - if she makes plans for when the children are with him, he can say 'We've already made plans, so we're not doing that'. If the parents have 50/50 then there's likely to be some cross-over with their activities and that needs to be discussed reasonably like grown-ups.

If she chooses to be rude and ignore you, there's nothing you can do about that, except avoid contact with her as much as possible and just being polite when you do see her - she is showing herself up by being rude and petty and it's best ignored.

I'm not sure if what you're feeling is jealousy - if your partner has given you no reason to think he still has feelings for her, isn't it more just irritation that he doesn't stand up to her? He's walking a fine line trying to keep relations with her amicable for his children I expect.

Where do you propose I go for the week his children are with us?

Thank you. I’m not sure jealousy is the right description either. I don’t know what the word is. I think it’s annoyance but then I keep overthinking every situation. It’s frustrating.

you’re right. There’s no need for arguments between them.

You don't have to go anywhere, just do your own thing.

Oh I do that anyway. There’s so many children to sort out that we have to divide and conquer. Sometimes though, logistics will mean he drops off one of mine and I pick up one of his or I take two and he takes two/three etc.

Its shit op, sorry, your dp needs to put some fucking boundaries in place.

That would be good start.

Tell him to grow a virgina, balls are soft squishy delicate little things, a virgina is much tougher.

Tell him to grow a virgina, balls are soft squishy delicate little things, a virgina is much tougher.

Christ if that were true, we wouldn't have half the ridiculous hand-wringing threads we do on Mumsnet 👀

Work during the day , gym at night . Friends, family . Even sometimes your room
to read a book. Make regular plans but make sure he knows you’re not bound to the house .
However you knew he had kids.
They are his responsibility as much as hers but they aren't yours .
If he has places to take them as a regular hobby then that’s on him.
If she makes plans just to be awkward then he ignores them .

Gosh I haven’t got the luxury of time for that. Work, take kids places, cook dinner etc

Ive been for a long walk and given myself some space to think about it all and a bit of a talking to.

I think I'm emotional with other things going on and hyper-focussing on her as it’s part of something I can’t control. She’s a complete annoyance but actually, if she’s rude to me, so what. The annoying part is the impact she has on the children but I can’t do anything with that either.

Writing it down on here put it into perspective too.

You so lack in confidence yourself that you feel the need to compare whether you are above her or not. Stop this!
Concentrate on your own lovely qualities. Write them down so you don't forget.
His ex is rude, manipulative, controlling. Your partner needs to advise that his children can't do xyz because it is his weekend.
Court may end up being the resolution to this.

Must be really difficult for you. He has to ‘manage’ her and do all the dealings with her with boundaries in place. You just keep being you and be grateful you have a positive influence on the kids lives x

We have a very similar situation here. It’s very frustrating. At times I feel like DH’s ex wife has more control over our lives than we do. DH struggles to stand up to her because she makes life hell on a practical basis whenever he does. Unfortunately it’s also rubbing off on the kids. dSS2 is especially tricky and sometimes things he says are so obviously ideas that have been planted there by her, that it’s like talking directly
to her.
I work, see friends, do my own thing. But we do actually want to be a family and I love the DC so
it’s a source of real sadness that our time together is constantly interrupted, influenced or dictated to by someone else -and that someone Doesn’t have good motives.

Sorry but “ virgina” made me smile 🙂

Its very easy for someone tl turn round and say 'my ex was a nutter'

So why is it that so many people make it painfully obvious that yes they are?

Mine did a cracking job of demonstrating that she was far worse than I made out

Your partners children will grow up and she will become less able to control them as happened with my oldest son.

Sorry *vagina, bloody phone 🙄

It’s this! Yes, she’s their mum and is
important in their lives. I just don’t understand why she is so rude to me. It’s impacting upon other areas of our lives that are blended such as activities that many of the children attend, as she is causing tension that doesn’t need to exist.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this too. It’s exhausting and upsetting isn’t it.

My partner doesn’t ever say anything bad about his ex in front of anyone but me and his very closest friends. I’ve put all the pieces together over the years and I’m going on her behaviour towards me.

I get so annoyed by her attitude now spend far too much time obsessing over her. I need to focus on important things, not her.

Yes. It’s just sort of low level anxiety all the time that becomes acute around events that she will also be at, and even around things that should be simple such as picks ups and drop offs or requesting their passports back so that we can go away. Everything is made into an issue or to be as inconvenient as possible as it grinds you down.

Another one to empathise. We have had a very similar situation, my partner's ex is particularly high contact and wants maximum control over activities and plans. Obviously, she has a say over what happens to the children but in my opinion it goes above and beyond what's normal. I too feel like she had lots of control over our life's.

The difference is we actually do get on well and maintain a good relationship. I have had to tread carefully and point out bits where I think she has overstepped and leave it to my partner to manage.