Should she tell her boyfriend about her history with friend?

[Senso]

Yes I know it’s not my life and everybody has different ways of doing things but I am curious to know what people think about this situation.

I have a friend (female, 30yo) who treats me like a big sister. She confides in me about her personal life and recently decided to move in with her partner of a year.

Before she met her partner, she was in a situationship with someone she’s known since her university days. She eventually ended things as he wasn’t interested in having a serious relationship and for a while she was devastated and poured her soul out to me. So we became very close and I helped her through it. I encouraged her to go NC but she said that he was part of her life. Fair enough, it’s her life, her choices.

However, she recently asked me to keep her secret because she absolutely doesn’t want her boyfriend to know that she has had a sexual relationship with her uni friend. Her boyfriend has become friends with the uni guy and although I will honour her confidence, I can’t help but think that it’s a disaster waiting to happen. I also feel that she is being disrespectful to her boyfriend by withholding her sexual history with uni friend. Albeit with the intention of trying to avoid a difficult conversation rather than anything immoral.

what do you think?

You lost me at situationship
AI ?

You are over-invested in your friend’s relationship.
And her sexual past is her own and private - there is no disrespect in not sharing it with current partner.

While I agree it is odd for her to encourage current partner and ex-FWB friendship - this ia her life and her own lesson to learn.

Since when was being a caring friend a bad thing?

I haven’t shared my concerns with her. I am posting here because I’m interested to know what people think

But her sexual history is private. What kind of friend would you be if she confided in you about all this and then you were happy to disclose it to people she doesn't want to share it with?

But sure, be judgemental and betray her trust if you think it's your business to do so.

Read the post. Where does it say that I’m going to betray her trust

I would never disclose someone’s sexual history to a new partner with maybe the exception being if they had HIV and was knowingly putting someone at risk.

i haven’t been on mumsnet for a while and I see the level of critical thinking has slipped a lot. I can see this is going to attract a pile on instead of an interesting discussion on nuances in relationships <eyeroll>

No, why should she? If it’s over now it’s none of his business anyway.

This new guy probably won’t care as much as you think he will, and tbh I find it weird that you’re so keen for him to know.

’Disrespectful’ is an interesting word to use there though, should she lay out her sexual history for his perusal? It kind of sounds like you fancy him yourself tbh.

Sorry, I thought you were implying you were uncomfortable keeping it secret.

I’d keep her secret because it’s not really anything to do with you. And if it eventually comes out - which it probably will, drunk blokes chatter and all that - she’ll have to deal with the fall out.

If the boyfriend and uni friend have become friendly then personally I think it's pretty much lying by omission not to have been upfront with the boyfriend.

I'd be upset if I'd become friendly with a woman through my partner and then one day down the line I found out they'd been shagging at uni and my partner hadn't thought to mention it. I'd wonder why he hadn't mentioned it tbh.

what a load of utter bollocks

should you stick your oar in - of course not - keep your nose out of her affairs

will the 2 men find our - of course they will and probably both will dump her

Just leave her be, she's an adult who can conduct her own affairs.

Chances are if the blokes are friends it may come out anyway, but your friend is willing to take that chance.

I agree. If I discovered that my partner’s uni friend had in fact been a longtime FWB, and that everyone in their circle knew except me, I would feel pretty humiliated

To everyone who has not computed my post correctly, I have no intention of “sticking my oar in” or blabbing to her boyfriend

If this is the case, what are you actually asking then?

then what exactly is your point?

just leave well alone and wait for the inevitable consequence's

Your only course of action is a tell your friend it will all end in tears and step well back

Just clarifying here that if someone knows they have HIV, they would be likely be on medication, like the majority of people that have been diagnosed with it. As such, on effective treatment with an undetectable viral load there would be no risk to any sexual partner, even without using condoms.

Why the fuck should she talk about intimate things with anyone/boyfriend/who ever?

No one has any right to information about her sexual past. No. One.

And op you may wish to step off that moral high ground attitude, your friend could fuck her way through a whole football team in one sitting and it still would be no one else's business. No. Ones.

Ok. Wow. Is this where we are with relationships? If so then, well, I am guessing you are happily in a committed relationship

🥱

I had sex with an ex partner of one of my girl friends while we were all at Univesity 30 years ago, we still have lots of friends in common, he is married as am I. As far as I know we are the 2 who know about it. It won't necessarily come out.

Not RTFT but this:

"Gottagetfitin26 · Today 13:25
If the boyfriend and uni friend have become friendly then personally I think it's pretty much lying by omission not to have been upfront with the boyfriend.
I'd be upset if I'd become friendly with a woman through my partner and then one day down the line I found out they'd been shagging at uni and my partner hadn't thought to mention it. I'd wonder why he hadn't mentioned it tbh."

I get that it is in your friend's past and I can see both sides. I think this is a very personal decision. But in your friend's BF's shoes, I would want to know and I would feel a bit dismayed if it comes out further down the line (as it may well do). There is something about the fact that her BF is building a friendship with this guy which creates issues where otherwise there would be none.

I've been with DH for 25+ years. He's still friends with some of his ex girlfriends but he was open at the outset that he had previously had relationships with/slept with the women in question, and I have developed my own friendship with some of them. There was one exception who became pretty prominent in our life for a while and with whom I thought he had only ever had a platonic friendship. Tbh, they had slept together as teenagers and I don't think my DH (or she) attached any importance to it; but I was a bit dismayed when I discovered the situation. It felt like they'd shared a sexy secret from which I was excluded and I felt a bit wrongfooted about the whole thing. And DH and I have had periods of open relationship in the past, so it's not that I cannot accommodate the idea of DH being with someone else.

You didn’t need to rtft to get it. Thank you. You actually engaged as an intelligent person

@Senso Stay out of it. If her boyfriend finds out, it's up to your friend to deal with it.