Should she tell her boyfriend about her history with friend?

[Senso]

Yes I know it’s not my life and everybody has different ways of doing things but I am curious to know what people think about this situation.

I have a friend (female, 30yo) who treats me like a big sister. She confides in me about her personal life and recently decided to move in with her partner of a year.

Before she met her partner, she was in a situationship with someone she’s known since her university days. She eventually ended things as he wasn’t interested in having a serious relationship and for a while she was devastated and poured her soul out to me. So we became very close and I helped her through it. I encouraged her to go NC but she said that he was part of her life. Fair enough, it’s her life, her choices.

However, she recently asked me to keep her secret because she absolutely doesn’t want her boyfriend to know that she has had a sexual relationship with her uni friend. Her boyfriend has become friends with the uni guy and although I will honour her confidence, I can’t help but think that it’s a disaster waiting to happen. I also feel that she is being disrespectful to her boyfriend by withholding her sexual history with uni friend. Albeit with the intention of trying to avoid a difficult conversation rather than anything immoral.

what do you think?

Yes she should tell him. The fact that she hasn't implies that she wants to continue being friends with this guy, and her boyfriend is ok with this because he thinks that everything is and has always been platonic between them, when that isn't true. Maybe that is old history, but there was at least some sexual attraction between them at one point that they both wanted to act on, and that would be relevant information to me in a relationship. Keeping that from someone is deceitful and risks humiliating them at a later date.

I think your issue is that this is showing some differences between you and her, in how she treats others, and it bothers you. Something to note for the future.

I always think honesty is the best policy but I also think she is courting disaster by keeping “situationship man” in her life and introducing him to her boyfriend.
And she knows that, otherwise telling BF they’d had sex would not be an issue!

I’m on the fence. If she has moved well past the Fwb phase and the uni friend is now firmly in the friend zone it might not be worth mentioning. The past is in the past. If the Uni friend and new fella are now friends it’s probably a bit late to mention it? If she does it could be a disaster depending on how the new fella takes it. However, if the new fella asks her directly if her and uni friend ever had a thing that could create a real shit storm…. ! If no one else knows might be best to just bury it and it never resurfaces!

My take is that she’s not obliged to tell new bloke obviously, but if it’s serious, she might be wise to tell him to maintain control because it’s almost certain to come out.
If I was in new bloke’s shoes, I would want to be aware of the history, rightly or wrongly.

Jesus, read the post. The OP didn’t say she was going to tell the boyf. She was asking peoples opinions. The MN vipers are out as usual.
I have to agree it is strange given the new boyf and old situationship seems to be becoming friends. If roles were reversed, Imagine finding out your new mate actually slept with your new partner & no one had told you! I think we’d all feel a bit funny about that!

Thanks @boredwfh
like I said, I haven’t been on here for a while and, goodness me it’s got me reminiscing about the times when it was all fields and grass and we could have proper discussions! 😂

It's a really common phrase.

Yeah it's a grey area isn't it?

I have a good male friend who was previously a sexual partner on and off for years. I often visit him, he has spent the day with my daughter and I.

I have never told my DH about our history. I'm late 40s now and it ended early 30s. I had a partner in my 30s and never told him either, the three of us often went out for dinner and things like that.

I never decided not to tell them and to be honest if either had asked if we'd ever been more than friends I would tell the truth.

Mainly I think my DH trusts me totally (and well he should) and knows I would never be flirting engaging in what-if scenarios in my head or anywhere and crucially spending time with a person I was developing any kind of feelings for.

Or maybe he doesn't think any of those things because he's witnessed the dynamic between us is as platonic as can be. Once we called time that was it entirely for both of us. We were simply friends and stayed that way. There's never been any blurred boundaries.

I don't know what's right for your friend. Is she truly just this man's friend or is she secretly hoping? Would her partner have a problem with it?

Why should she tell him anything, is he a fire and brimstone vicar?

@Goditsmemargaret

i think part of the reason she isn’t telling her boyfriend is because she feels that he won’t look at her the same way.

This will absolutely 100% not end well for your friend 🙈 oft, not cool, and them becoming friends whilst bf doesn’t know 😬😬😬

If I was he, if asked directly I'd be honest but I thimk "oh, tonight we're going out with Mandy, Steve and Jack from Uni. Steve and I used to be FEB but it didn't last asi wanted more. Oh did I mention Mandy works in Graphic Design like you?"

I know. <eyeroll> really who says that. Not to mention that we are not computing what OP is trying to say.

Would it not bother you at all if you became good friends with one of your partner's female friends and then found out that they had a long term FWB situation? I know I would be upset i wasn't told from the start.

Putting her private business and identifiable information and relationship in a thread on Mumsnet kinda' does, doesn't it?

This!

You cannot be serious. A woman had a fwb who she remained friends with has a boyfriend... You think this is indentifiable?

Aaaaargghhhh this changes things and not in a good way.

If she is assuming he wouldn't be ok with it but persisting then she's being deceptive.

I just realised I did have a similar dilemma once with DH. A gang of my old friends were going away for a group holiday. I could go but he couldn't. One of the group and I had been involved immediately before he met his now wife (but then girlfriend and I met my now (but then boyfriend) DH.

I really struggled with whether to tell him. My mother rolled her eyes and said I was being dramatic for no reason even considering telling him, that the other guy 'probably didn't even remember' (eh I'm pretty sure he did.)

I hadn't realised the other guy was even going to be on the holiday until after I'd committed. I decided to tell DH and actually he was pretty irked briefly saying oh great I'm home with the baby while you swan off on holiday with your ex.

But then he drew a breath and said was it serious, how did it end. I said honestly he broke up with me, I was disappointed but not excessively so and I'm one hundred percent over it and was when we met. More importantly there will be no drunken heart to hearts, no flirting or any sort. I will behave exactly as I would if you were there. And I did.

My DH never mentioned it again and I'd be amazed if he gave it another thought.

I agree it’s odd she isn’t telling him, but it’s her call. If it comes out, the bf will likely be pissed off she never said anything (I know I would be) but again that’s her choice to make. I’d want to mention it casually early on so I didn’t worry about it later, but that’s me.

Tbh, it's none of his business.

My partner is 62 and has a few female friends. Some of whom he's been friends with for several decades. I have absolutely no idea if he's ever dated or had a sexual relationship with any of them.

I wouldn't want to know either. What purpose would it serve?

I'd say carry on being your Friends sounding block, she obviously trusts you & feels comfortable chatting to you. If it comes out about her have relations with the Uni friend it's on her to deal with it. Stay out of it all between her & her BF. Be the good friend you sound like you are & keep it to yourself & be there if it blows up if current BF kicks off about her not telling him. You don't know if the Uni friend has already mentioned it to current BF & it doesn't bother him so he's not mentioned it to his GF that he knows as he knows it's in the past & trusts his GF.

She’s not obliged to tell him about her sexual past. This one is most definitely a part of their present though. If she isn’t honest it’s very likely to blow up in her face further down the line. I’d be advising her to have a good hard think about it.