Partner says I begrudge his hobbies when I ask for help

[Mattjack2]

My partner has just said he thinks I begrudge him going to play golf/motorbike because I ask him to sometimes help in the garden/other random house stuff. Or even try have a conversation about what we are going to focus on this year (replacing decking maybe or sorting lawn). That one is also nagging. He continued to say he wasn't doing all the stuff that needed doing straight away. At no point have I said anything about straight away nor do I begrudge his hobbies. How on earth does he come to such a crazy conclusion with no evidence!! He does more hobby stuff than I do, I work full time and he is retired working 2 days a week!

It’s your house? Ahhh, then get it done, pay for it and tell him to start looking for somewhere else to live where his hobbies can be indulged all he wants and you will meet once a week for a date night, if you can be arsed.

I bet that shifts his lazy arse.

If your friend was telling you this, what would you say.

If it’s your house, pay for it yourself (so he has no claim). From your money.
If i work FT and partner works 2 days/wk, I’d expect him to do all the cleaning and housework in those 3 days (or in evenings if spending days on hobbies) and at least 4 days cooking. If he has a problem with that (or with paying for help to do it instead) I would suggest he should move out and we continue our relationship from separate homes as he cannot pull his weight and I refuse to carry him. I would not be reduced to being told I was ‘nagging’ for asking for ‘help’!
Nagging: def; (mine) a woman reasonably reminding a man about a responsibility he has failed to undertake. I detest that word and any man who used it on me would only use it once.

Id tell her he wasn't good enough for her and after 5 years wont change

You talk about ‘our responsibilities as home owners’ but does he actually have a financial stake in the property? In another post you say it’s your house, and you aren’t married, so I can see why he wouldn’t be that keen on putting energy or cash into home improvements.

I can also see - if you aren’t 100% happy in the relationship- why you’d want to keep clear boundaries so he can’t claim any stake if you split.

I guess it also depends on what he pays to live in your house, and what he contributes to joint living costs.

My DH does have to be asked sometimes but he will do stuff and do stuff without being asked. When I messed up my back 18 months ago he couldn’t do enough for me.

Yours sounds horrid.

It’s your house?

that changes things quite a lot op, especially if he has no stake in it.

id just pay to get it done, and be utterly baffled if he moaned about it.

but I would end any relationship that didn’t make me 100% happy anyway.

No, he's definitely not going to change. Frankly if he's only working 2 days a week you shouldn't really be doing much in the house at all. He wants you to keep house while he goes off to play. Why are you with him?

MN taught me that if something is a shared responsibility, don’t use the word “help”. The word “help” suggests it’s your job and his participation is optional and allows your partner to imagine that he’s doing you a favour if he does muck in. This is a joint task for you both in your shared home. I agree with suggestions that you give him a deadline and then pay someone to do it. But overall, it doesn’t sound like he brings much if anything to the relationship and you might have a bigger decision to make.

Wow, that is so familiar @Mattjack2 , all of it. Their manipulation can be very subtle, but oh how we dance(d) to their tune.

I'm glad you're having counselling, it helps to see things from a different perspective. When we're in the relationship we can't really see the wood for the trees but your counsellor and us randoms on MN can see it, from your POV obviously, without any emotion or manipulation.

They hate our boundaries, they've worked hard to get rid of the ones we had when they met us, after all! Be aware that he might escalate now that he's feeling a shift in his little world, especially with his lovely to everyone else persona. I know that sounds dramatic when your original question was about sorting the decking, and hopefully I'm being too cynical, but it's always wise to be aware of potentials

Wait, what? If it’s your house then of course it should come out of your money.

In this case, though, it’s her house, so “help” is closer to the truth.

Just pay someone or phone (or pretend to) a friend or relative.
It doesn't need consultation, it's your house.. why wouldn't you keep it upgraded, it'd in your financial interest and will keep the house at its best.
Just say you want the decking done for summer. If he starts moaning whining then just ignore and contact a few trades to get quotes. Don't involve him
When he moans about you not involving him then say you've sorted it, it was something that needs doing, you're helping him have more time for his hobbies since he's always moaning about not having enough time

So what if he moans. If he is going to get physical that's another issue but moans and even shouting can be ignored. Put your hand up ✋️ tell him you aren't engaging and it's being done when you want it to.
What is he going to do! Time to reassert yourself.

Ditch the word help. This implies that you both believe everything is down to you and if he lifts a finger, he’s helping you.

The responsibility for chores is 50/50. He needs to start behaving like a grown up. Take a look at everything that needs doing and agree to split it fairly.

Get rid. Get a lodger and use the cash for rehab work

What sort of man doesn't prioritise broken decking that could hurt his dog, partner and grandchildren?

OP - the man's a waste of space.

Would life not be easier, happier, more relaxed, more content without this dead weight?

You talk about joint responsibility as home owners and then say it’s your house, not his! Which is it?

If it’s your house that he lives in, I wouldn’t expect him to pay for or do the work.

If you’re unhappy with him-ask him to leave.

I would be tempted to pay for someone to come in and do it. When he complains about the money just tell him to stop nagging you about money. See how much he likes his own tactics.

Mattjack2, I suspect he isn't interested in your house but doesn't want to confront the issue directly so uses defensiveness.

Kinda understandable as he won't benefit financially from any improvements. Given the lack of support he when you were unwell, will you would be expected to look after him as he gets older? (assume you are younger)

My instinct is he isn't invested in you but recognises there are financial and other benefits to house sharing.

Its my home on the tenancy (HA) as Ive lived here 23 years, but everything else is in joint names. We were together 2 years prior to him moving in 3 years ago and we both put effort and time into his house to get it saleable. He has the (healthy) proceeds from that in savings so has financial security. Plans 3 years ago were to buy this home. Regardless of renting it is still a home and deserving of energy amd tine spent on it. He pays exactly half to live here.

Maybe I see a home as more than just a financial prospect. It is rented (housing assoc) so any money invested is essentially dead money but equally its mine for life so why wouldnt I want to be proud of it! He has a healthy amount from selling his own property so could invest or buy again to let. Either way he has enough to start again, if he isnt invested but Im not hearing this.

Hes only 2 years older and of course I would look after him.if he became ill.

Thank you

Im having to pay back the money he gave me from his house sale to cover my share of bills whilst I wasn't earning
Interesting now you have shared that you live in a HA home. Presumably when you had no work and couldn’t pay your bills, had you lived alone you would have qualified for help to pay your rent and other costs, but as he is living with you his savings/ earnings would mean you didn’t. So he then ‘lends’ you the money instead that you have to pay back. Am I right? Do a benefits calculation on what your finances would look like if he were not there, just out of interest. I see what is in this relationship for him but not seeing so much what you get out of it in comparison. Who does all the housework and cooking?

Well @InveterateBigot it escalated this evening. He was on a walk with Andys Man Club which ended up being nearly 6hrs and as we had decided to go out later I was a bit miffed. I packed the picnic and we were driving to the coast about an hour away. We were chatting on the way up about things/us amd I mentioned we were going through a sticky patch. He was not happy. Apparently I say things at the wrong time (e.g. when I mentioned the decking 2 years ago on a dull drive between towns on holiday simply because I had seen an advert for decking boards. Still not done though are they!).. We had a nice time on the beach (well I did as did the dogs) and on the way home got stuck behind gypsy bow caravans. For about 4 minutes. We have a difference of opinion. Im relaxed about it as long as the horses are OK, he has a police perspective, plus a grumpy 57 year old perspective so I again said, lets just agree to disagree. Silence for 5 minutes then starts up again trying to get me to see the 'correct' opinion. By now Im beyond. Start sticking up for myself. Next thing, my counsellor is filling me full of shit. Ive changed. Then it was my decision to get the second dog. And now I need to start driving my car again not the automatic despite still healing from being immobile 9 weeks ago with a herniated disc. Oh and I should shut my mouth plus bringing my exes up and how he is so much better, trying to give me a better lifestyie. I completely ignored him and came to bed. This has curveballed a bit but I wanted to say yes, its escalating!

He obviously can see you're standing up up him and doesn't like it! Sorry to generalise but in my experience with family and friends I find all ex policemen the same, very controlling and think they're right.

As for shut your mouth !!!!!! So rude.
Think you need to rethink him buying your house with you..
Ans how unfair it is you helped him do his up for a tidy sum but won't do the same back for you
Just another sign you have to stop going along with him and just book stuff in and do things as otherwise he will continue with the coercive control and trying to control you with moods.