How the bleep do I get my libido back from absolutely zilch?

[Dibblee]

Am 42, libido is gone. Been dwindling for years but from a combination of perimeno, auto immune disease, theyroid problems, antidepressants and various other meds I just have nothing left.
Add to that an extremely difficult and complicated set of personal circumstances, autistic teenagers and my own MH issues.

Poor DH has done nothing to deserve this, he is a gem, he couldn't put more effort in but I'm just dead below the waist.

I push myself eventually to be intimate because I know he wants that closeness through sex and it is unfair to ask a 40yo man to never have sex again and I do not want to lose him and I don't even think he would go, but I cannot expect him to be in a sexless relationship. It's extremely unfair to him.
I want to want to have sex. I don't want to feel this way but its just honestly the last thing on my mind ever.

I just don't know what to do.

And I cannot have surgery before its suggested, I cannot afford it and I have an autoimmune disease which means my body does not heal properly, I had a keyhole surgery and the incision sites took extremely long to heal and I just know I would lose a nipple if I tried to have an uplift

HRT and testosterone.

I was you at the same age and 100% was in peri at 42. Went on HRT at 44, introduced testosterone via GP six months later.

Absolutely works. Brilliant brilliant stuff.

I know it might sound a bit silly but maybe try and fit in something that is just for the 2 of you say twice a month.
Its so easy to loose yourself in day to day life and before you know it you are juat surviving.
Im not saying that there is even anything wrong with your marriage but we do tend to just plod along and loose our spark along the way. Then there is no room for any sort of interest in anything. Then the negative thoughts we have become more often than anything positive and its quite hard to refocus on anything positive to feel good about yourself again.

Im not I anyway trying to downplay any of the health issues you mentioned but they are still going to be there, but you might find you are able to figure things out more clearly when your Mindset switches to see yourself from a happier mind set.

This might sound stupid but have you ever asked something like chat gpt the same question you hve asked here. Explain your whole situation as much detail as you can and see what it says. It can give you tips and help you set out a plan to get the answers you are looking for.

No advice but i sympathise op and im looking for advice on this for myself too. im late 40s and have zero libido which is really bothering me. im in a fairly new relationship too with a man I find really attractive but for some reason still have no libido. Just 3 or 4 years ago I wouldn't have been able to keep my hands off him! I really miss how i used to be. I still do have sex with him but tbh I find it an effort and would never bother if he didn't initiate it. I really want to feel that desire again, I miss it.

I’m the same. I had breast cancer 5 years ago and the medication I now take affects my libido.

Sometimes everything aligns and I enjoy it (I don’t dislike it ) but 9/10 there’s just no feeling.

I don’t even think about sex at all!

Still have sex 1-2 times a week as I do enjoy the closeness. I can stop taking these tablets in 5 years - I’m hoping my body clicks back in!

Presumably you're oestrogen receptor positive.

I have wondered before, obviously you can't use systemic oestrogen, but can you still use local Oestrogen, and what about testosterone, or is this contraindicated as excess testosterone can convert to oestrogen?

Exercise. Exercise. Exercise.
start with couch to five k, take it super slowly. My libido came back after three months nd has been stable now that I run three times a week

I’d also recommend spicy books, keeping one on the go at all times helps your brain think of sex more often.

@Periperi2025 I just can't be bothered to do that. I take medication for blood pressure and I also have eosiniphilic asthma which involves even more medication.

Like I say

Like I say I do enjoy it sometimes and we have a good relationship and a great life.

Fair enough. I get it, medication fatigue is horrible, some days i really can't be arsed but have to anyway. I was just curious as to if you can take anything to help
I'm on holiday this week, my meds packing list...
Oestrogen patches 100 + 50
Vagifem
Ovestin
Testosterone
Mounjaro
Apixaban
Affron supplement
Arrrggghhh (but at least i have a mirena coil now so don't need to think about that for 5 years).

I can't imagine how hard it must be being a type 1 diabetic or similar.

I used to have no libido in fact I actively hated that part of relationships. Then I started working out. Sounds ridiculous but the blood flow starts getting the chemicals and hormones going which can help regulate things.

The other thing that I found worked was masturbation. My pressure, no expectations just a bit of you time. If you're feeling up to it get your husband involved.

Sounds like there are a few things going on. I think it’s worth speaking to your husband and saying you want to want sex but currently you don’t but you want to get to a place where you do. I think I if I was in his situation that would help me and make me feel less rejected. I agree, you can’t expect someone to think they might never have sex again at 40.

i think you need some adult time sometimes which isn’t just family and kids. It’s so hard to go from mum mode to sex mode.

You still find him attractive - that’s great! I find it hard to have sex if I haven’t had a lot of physical non-sexual contact. I need hugs and kisses and hand holds through the days. Without these I don’t fancy sex.

I won’t cover any of the medical stuff others have.

But sex is like anything else - the more you have the more you want and vice versa. And you build you desire back up by prioritising it finding a way to focus on it more. And forcing it only makes it worse. If it was anything else you’d have a plan, an aim, try some things and try something else if it didn’t work. You wouldn’t just never do it and then force it cause you think you have to.

good luck!!

One of the things my GP did talk about when I went in to ask about testosterone was "sexual accelerators and brakes"- it might be worth reading up about them, it sounds like there are lots of different things going on for you!

OP -if you are like me, in order to want sex, I need to feel sexy. If I don’t feel well in my body, I’m not keen on sex. What helps? A relaxing shower before sex, a grooming session (so that I like my body a bit more), getting my nails painted, putting on a nice lingerie, listening to romantic music. It has nothing to do with my partner, it’s all to do with finding myself beautiful and attractive.

I could have written your post myself at nearly 40. You’re not alone in the way you feel

I’m not sure about all the drugs side but agree that in order to enjoy sex you have to start feeling a bit more good about yourself and feel more ‘sexy’.
Grooming - shaving, a gradual fake tan
Buy some nice underwear that makes you feel good
Start exercising - I started doing a ten minute Youtube exercise video every night to tone up
Toys? Buy a bullet to help you get there during sex
And the main thing I think - start reading some spicy books. Cowboy smut like Elsie Silver, Off Campus. Stuff like that. Written by women, for women.

Focus on changing your diet and try
to stop the antidepressants.

There’s a lot to unpack here op which isn’t all just physical lack of sex drive I yhink

you have body confidence issues
depression
mental anguish over the issue which will be helping to create a vicious cycle
demands of children and family life
topped off with peri menopause and likely declining levels of oestrogen which not only impact your reproductive system but your brain and all other parts of your body as it disrupts your whole endocrine system

hrt may be something that helps and might be something to consider for other reasons too. But it might not be the silver bullet you’re looking for to magically get your sex drive back,

find a good menopause specialist and start there but you also need to consider I think trying to find joy in life, things that you like, and things to help your body confidence

you are not alone in this . Find the help you need and don’t be dismissed

good luck

I have had this problem last year.
5 years on from breast cancer and went to my GP because I had zero, absolute zero sex drive. My sister was on hrt and testosterone and it really helped her, sex drive back, lost weight, depression gone. She says it's a life saver.
So my GP sympathised and sent a letter to my breast cancer consultant who I'm still under for regular monitoring.
The letter came back absolutely no to systemic hrt, completely a no. I was prescribed local low dose vaginally estrogen cream but only that for one month at a time then a break for three months.
I was absolutely gutted, the cream does nothing for my libido but is important for atrophy so I continue with it.
Back to square one libido wise.
I'm just starting to get serious about excersise and weight bearing training ay the gym as a last resort as I have read it can kick start your libido.
It's really horrible when you know there is hrt out there that can help but you can't take it. Thanks again bloody breast cancer! 😡

Sorry I meant to add, you cannot take testosterone on its own normally as it works with estrogen and progesterone in balance.

I loved HRT when I was on it, it was like a miracle drug. Who knows if it contributed to my breast cancer.

Luckily I have no atrophy. I think it’s physiological with me sometimes. If I’m in tne mood it’s great but it doesn’t happen very often.

im going back over 20 years but my mum had numerous cysts in her breasts whilst on HRT then breast cancer which luckily they picked up on and caught very early. Doctors at the time said it was because of the HRT and she was no longer allowed to take it after that. Its kind of put me off going on it myself, but maybe things have changed in the past 20 years.