How the bleep do I get my libido back from absolutely zilch?

[Dibblee]

Am 42, libido is gone. Been dwindling for years but from a combination of perimeno, auto immune disease, theyroid problems, antidepressants and various other meds I just have nothing left.
Add to that an extremely difficult and complicated set of personal circumstances, autistic teenagers and my own MH issues.

Poor DH has done nothing to deserve this, he is a gem, he couldn't put more effort in but I'm just dead below the waist.

I push myself eventually to be intimate because I know he wants that closeness through sex and it is unfair to ask a 40yo man to never have sex again and I do not want to lose him and I don't even think he would go, but I cannot expect him to be in a sexless relationship. It's extremely unfair to him.
I want to want to have sex. I don't want to feel this way but its just honestly the last thing on my mind ever.

I just don't know what to do.

You need to go see your GP. Yes it might be another medication but….whats one more when you already take a load if it does the job.

But she does want sex. Read what OP says not what you want to hear.

Are you taking an SSRI?

OP as well as seeing your GP when you do push yourself to do it with your DH what do you find happens? While you don’t feel the desire up front often women find that once things get started the body responds and they get into it. In that case it’s sometimes a case of push yourself or your DH to get things started knowing you might not be in the mood right now but 5mins in you will be.

Yes, citalopram but I cannot stop it. I have tried many of them over the years and this is the one that stops me wanting to take a long walk off a short pier.

Vaginal estrogen cream inside and outside.

I have PDA and so it really makes me upset and angry a lot of the time, the expectation of it. Once in the moment I will enjoy it sometimes but then sometimes I literally dissociate and go to the bathroom upset after (he absolutely does not know this)

I've recently come off an SSRI for a lot of reasons, but libido was one of them. When I was talking to the consultant about it, Mirtazipine was one of the other things he mentioned I could try. Have you tried that?

Not suggesting you do come off it, more of just a thought really

I looked into sex therapy at one point, but its so expensive!

You need HRT. It’s not another drug - it’s the hormones your body was making for you for years, and you’re just replacing them. I also felt like throwing myself under a bus at least one week a month until I got HRT. It could be that you have progesterone sensitivity, that’s exacerbated in peri-menopause as your hormones fluctuate wildly. For me, oestrogen and progesterone solved the suicidal ideation and testosterone gave me my libido back. If you can’t face your GP, Newson Health is very good.

Just read your last post OP - that sounds awful. Please stop forcing yourself to have sex as it sounds like it’s really bad for you, and I’m sure your DH wouldn’t want to put you through this if he knew how you felt. Relationships ebb and flow, so talk to him, tell him that you might be off sex for a bit while you figure things out, but reassure him that you’re working on getting your libido back.

My wife is in perimenopause and also has a fair amount of medication. Her libido has also disappeared and we have talked about it.
It wasnt an easy conversation from my side. How to explain that I still find her deeply attractive and would quite literally jump if she suggested anything in bed. But at the same time I only want that if she does. I hate the thought of doing anything if she doesnt want to too. There is way more to our marriage than sex and I am happy to just be with her and if her libido sparks again great. If not, i'm still not going anywhere. I just want her to feel zero pressure.
I bet your husband would feel the same. I find the thought of her thinking its unfair to me a bit odd. I cant wrap my head around it as sex is for us, not just me so if shes not feeling it then that is absolutly fine. I'm just content to be with her and do what I can to make her happy and take whatever stress I can away.

We have had the conversation quite a few times and he is trying to be supportive but thisnis an issue spanning years now and if it was an ebb and flow situation (i mean we have been together 20 years and that has happened earlier) its easier to navigate than this. This just feel like a switch has gone off and I would happily never have sex again wheras he is in his prime for it, I guess.

And he doesn't pressure me but I can tell when it is building upto a point where he isbstarting to feel really hurt and rejected so I psyche myself up to it. And i think by that point he is so happy to not be rejevted or he takes it as me coming onto him that he doesn't read into it any deeper and just takes the opportunity, so to speak.

Quinn app?

Op if your thyroid is under active it can affect your sex drive. Can you get away for a couple of days just the two of you and reconnect?? Sending hugs x

Citalopram is the very devil for this, along with menopause.

Testosterone is the only thing that’s worked for me. It was like a switch being flicked <snigger>. But you do have to have excellent oestrogen levels before it will work, and that would probably mean HRT.

HRT, get your testosterone levels checked, use testosterone if you need to.

OP anti depressants are well known for suppressing libido and orgasm. Speak to your GP about an alternative, as a pp said Mirtzapine is an option and is known to have no negative affect on sexual desire so maybe try that? Also if you are Peri as others have mentioned hrt and testosterone could well reignite things for you. Worth a try!

I went too high on testosterone (mounjaro/weightloss dramatically changed the way i was absorbing/ utilising it).

Apparently there is such a thing, as 'too much of a good thing'. It was an interesting experience whilst it lasted, i am now back on a more appropriate dose, and do have a degree more empathy for men and understand the old adage about thinking about sex every 6 or 7 seconds (it was a tad overwhelming), no beard though and my voice didn't drop (thankfully).

First of all please don’t have sex you don’t want. Your H would absolutely NOT want that if he’s the diamond you say he is. If anything then maybe you give him a BJ or handy but don’t have actual sex that makes you cry. That won’t be helping you to want it.

Do you hug and have a laugh outside of the bedroom? It sounds like you’re at the end of your tether so address everything else going on first, get yourself to a place where you feel safe to relax and open up, as without that you’re not going to be able to enjoy it.

I also second (third/fourth) trying HRT. It helped me tremendously, especially once I added testosterone. It’s not just from a libido POV, but also to prevent/reverse the atrophy/shrinkage of your clit/labia etc. I hadn’t noticed how much it had all started to disappear until I tried testosterone and got some feeling back. It’s not without risk. But after careful research I decided the risks were very much outweighed by the benefits. If you’re already taking daily medication, maybe try patches as these stay on for a few days at a time so you don’t have to think about it! At the very least try vaginal oestrogen cream or pessaries to address the issues at a local level.

I could be totally wrong here as I have no experience in any of this but reading through the comments I keep seeing different types of medications being discussed. (As I say I dont know anything about them so dont come for me now)
But to me it sounds like now you are at the point where this is now also becoming a Mindset you associate with having sex and before you even get to the root cause you mind is almoat shut down to it happening for all the reasons you have mentioned.
So its virtually impossible for you to be able to first even relax enough to be open to enjoying it.

What kind of relationship do you have with your husband. I mean like are yoy the type who are affectionate in everyday situations or not so much.
Do toh get chance to spend much time alone doing things just the 2 of you as a couple. Things like date nights etc? I know its not always easy as life is so busy. And most importantly how do you actually feel about yourself in general. Do you still do things you enjoy, for you. Or do you see yourself as a wife/mother. If that makes sense.
You would be surprised by how making small changes to reestablish your self identity makes massive difference in all areas.
Lots of us seem to juat live life doing things on autopilot that we loose our trw selves.

I don’t think forcing yourself to have sex you don’t want is the way to go - does your husband know you’re doing this because most men wouldn’t want that either.

Oestrogen cream seems to be for dryness? Which I am not suffering with (yet)

Maybe I should make a GP appointment but I just have so much going on that it almost seems daft to go in talking about sex drive.
They're always so dismissive too

OP following this thread with interest as I’m in the same boat as you with libido, you are not alone!

Think I’m going to speak to my GP about HRT, it’s worth a shot I think.

We spend a lot of time together but its always revolved around the kids and daily life. We don't ever do date nights.

I hate my body. I've lost 120lbs and my body is like a skin suit. My breasts are completely gone and i feel very self conscious about them. When i lay down they sit in my armpits. No exaggeration. And I used to have lovely larger boobs. So my confidence is probably in the gutter. Even in a good bra they are like folded over bags of jelly and i cringe if he tried to flop one out 😥

DH cares not a jot, he really doesn't. But I do.

I’m hoping you’re able to try HRT OP as this is where I was, I wasn’t on all the other meds but my libido tanked, roughly the same time I started taking mounjaro, I think it was a coincidence……but might have just pushed me over. Anyhow went private got HRT and then once that was established started testosterone. It really has helped, not like early days levels but body responding again, it was really disheartening when it happened and quite distressing as I do love my husband, but there was some less than ideal sex, it was all a lot of effort, there was no natural flow and I had to stay razor focused to achieve orgasm so not a great dynamic.
Anyhow testosterone has made a big difference and whilst I’m still not hot to trot, in a must tear clothes off here and now way if the opportunity arises I can get in the mood easily. Although this is also a natural state of things, the types of desire we experience change and we don’t keep the horny nature of youth throughout life. So you’re not going mad but it’s a horrible combo.
Come as you are by Emily Nagoski is an interesting read in this respect.