Is it reasonable to expect more equal sharing on birthday weekend?

[Noodles007]

My girlfriend of 7 months is taking me away to an airbnb for my birthday for 3 nights, which is really lovely. As we approach the weekend away, she is asking me to plan and bring all food and wine, pay for dinners out etc. I’ll be driving which I enjoy. I was thrilled to receive the lovely gift. We both earn equally, she is probably more cash rich than me right now as I’m studying for an mba full time. My last assignment is due in the day we leave so it’s also to celebrate thus. My two children are at Uni, hers are in primary school. I’m a professional who’s taken a year out to study. She’s a landlady and property developer. In the 7 months we’ve been together I’ve paid for all dinners and lunches out. It would be nice to be brought out first dinner once, am I wrong!? She always provides lovely food in her home and wine. I ask, not necessarily just about the money and expense, but aren’t relationships supposed to be on equal footing?

Do you provide lovely food and wine in your home?

What the hell are you complaining about?

If you think she's taking the piss then tell her.

For the holiday, as it was a birthday present I’d expect she pays for Airbnb and then you split joint expenses during it (eg meals).

For normal times, it sounds like she cooks dinner and provides food/drink in her home and when it’s your “turn” you choose to go out. If that’s the case then yes, I’d expect you to pay. If you also host her at your home then dinners out should be more evenly split

Yes, we do so equally in our own homes and in each others homes.

I’m not so much complaining, more asking in this day and age what’s fair and what’s expected. I’ve not dated in over 10 years as was in a 10 yr relationship previously.

it doesnt seem fair
you could split the cost instead

Yes I agree with this. We treat each other equally well in each others homes, always. I just seem to pay for everything when we’re out. I guess I’ve always just done it. Now I’ve noticed it’s a “well wait for me to ask gut the bill and me pay” expectation. Perhaps I should suggest we share sometimes. It’s always nice to be treated right, both ways!

Why are you paying for all lunches and dinners out? Stop being a mug!

It seems wrong to me that you should pay for everything when you go out. You should be sharing those costs broadly equally. A weekend away for your birthday where you bring all the food doesn’t sound right to me.

I completely agree with this.

She’s paying for the Air BnB and the rest should be split (but if I was her I’d still offer to pay for some things fully).

The gift is the Airbnb.

I think you having to pay for everything not all is unfair and if I was you, I would stop going out so much.

I think as you’re older, you have fallen into this trap of you paying for everything (not sure if you’re male or female).
This is not too bad when you’re first dating but now it shouldn’t be like that.

I’m not sure how I’d feel about being with someone with primary aged kids…

I think your expectations are reasonable.

For me, it's not the cost so much as the "work" (planning, execution, etc) of bringing the food. It kind of takes away from being spoilt / being treated.

Potentially not unreasonable for you to offer / her to accept you paying for a meal out, but it is the "I've organised a few days away, except I haven't really, I've booked a self catering place and am expecting you to sort the catering" that seems unreasonable to me. Fine if the two of you jointly decided to go for a couple of days away. Not fine if she is framing it as a treat for your birthday.

It's there a big age gap between you? Your children are very different ages. I'm wondering if you are a lot older so she's thinking you have more money and can more easily pay for things?

I don't think focusing on 'this isn't fair' is an adult way to conduct relationships, to be honest. Particularly not where money is concerned.

If you think she's tight or taking advantage of you then end the relationship. But I can't bear nit picking about who paid for what, or who does more. If you don't feel the relationship is equal, or that you are putting in more effort then her then break up with her.

It doesn't matter what other people think over who should do/pay for what. If the relationship isn't working for you then say so.

@JustGiveMeReason This is a wonderful answer, thank you. I just assumed we’d bring food and wine etc together, I’d cook one night obviously, would love to, all good fun. I agree too, that I would naturally offer to pay and would pay for dinner out on one of the nights, I think it’s that I’ve been told before I even arrive that that’s what I’m doing. It feels a bit weird and a bit off.

Not nit picking, simply asking advice from a group of experienced people on here. It’s good to get views. I wouldn’t end a relationship over this. I value her a lot. I’d discuss it, and hopefully agree on how we do things, see how we operate afterwards, and take it from there. This is just one aspect I’m questioning, there is a lot that is wonderful.

Thank you. Great answer and feedback. I’m 54, she’s 47.

This. I’d have said I wasn’t up for any planning. If I had an assessment due the day I was leaving, I literally wouldn’t be giving a thought to the weekend away till it was submitted.

@Malinia Thank you. I’m 54, she’s 47. My children are 20&18.5, hers are 8&5.5. Shecwas a late starter I guess. She’s inherited what she has now, didn’t have much before that, but she’s proving to build on what she’s inherited, which is gutsy and ambitious. Maybe she’s minding her money to do that whilst I spend money on her, who knows.

@EasilyPleased and @JustGiveMeReason thank you both. Yes, I’ll be working like hell right up until I submit this last assignment, I’ve invested a lot in it so needs to be done properly. This way I can completely relax and enjoy my time away with her fully when we go. Hence the quick post on here to receive your thoughts. While away we can then have the best of times together and hopefully just enjoy each other and the break and look after each other. Thank you

@Jellox sorry, I forgot to add, I’m a 54 year old man. She’s a 47 year old woman.

@PoppinjayPolly thank you. Yes, I always try and do. She does too. We’ll both even bring food and wine etc to each others houses when we stay more than one night. She is very generous in our homes and I think I am too. I just seem to have got myself into a rut when we are out. I shall just mention it and as it’s reasonable one hopes she accepts it to be too. I’d still like to treat her every now and then. It’s nice for everyone to feel appreciated.

Some women feel that men should pay for everything.
I do wonder if as you’re a bit older than her, she expects this and perhaps her ex used to pay for everything.

I would go and enjoy your birthday but afterwards I would have an honest chat about it.

I can’t help but think you are not that compatible.

You’re different ages, at completely different stages of life and now seem to have different financial expectations - I can’t see how a relationship is going to last.

If I take my husband away for his birthday, of course, I pay for accommodation and meals out. It’s wild that she would expect you to split these or pay for them all. Otherwise, it’s just a weekend away, not a birthday treat.

It’s an awkward thing to raise though, because it’s so obvious that you shouldn’t just buy your own birthday present.

@mindutopia thank you. Yes, it’s very awkward point to raise isn’t it. On one hand you’re very very grateful and on the other you’re, like, oh!

She’s supposedly treated you to a weekend away which means she should be paying for all of it. She should be driving, paid for the accommodation , all the meals and days out. It’s your birthday you get spoilt not it’s your birthday and you have to pay.

She also shouldn’t have ever booked it when you have an assignment due in. That’s even worse.

very very thoughtless.

I’m a similar age to you OP but I am female and my DC is in their 30s. I’d probably not tolerate this …well actually I wouldn’t tolerate this. I’m beyond that stage of my life and would want to be spoilt plus the younger kids means a different life. So no I don’t think you are being treated well or spoilt, sorry.

Good luck in your assignment and have a lovely birthday. Mine is coming up soon as well and I’m planning on spending it alone so no one can let me down.