Avoidant dating partner in his 60smstill seeing previous ex date

[poppyfield71]

Am I right to feel upset that 8 months into a relationship with an intelligent guy in his 60s, I discover what I thought was an old friend with whom he meets up approximately monthly and sometimes they stay over in each others house wasn’t in fact an old friend but an ex dating partner and when I asked if we could all
meet to create transparency was
met with resistance. I month later he changed his story and confessed they slept together once and immediately he realised it wasn’t right and they became platonic friends. I also discovered that he hadn’t told her of my existence until
about a month ago. It was essentially a tender and
meaningful relationship and neither of us are spring chickens (I’m a youthful 57) but he was also funny about me meeting his local friends but had introduced me to some of his old friends so hr seems to have selective sensitivity around whom he feels comfortable with me meeting . He’s very
intelligent and is a highly functioning neurodivergent guy. He tells me his friends are his backup plan. He’s never had a really long relationship, I suspect hundreds of dates and is sexually experienced and no children. We’ve now split up as he can’t accept my anxiety over his refusal to let me meet with her and simply calm
me by finally letting us all meet so I know that both she and I are clear about each other’s presence. He says he can’t have me dictating who he can see but I certainly have never done this but because this started with deception it’s now made things much more loaded than would have been the case had he not simply introduced us or slowed down staying at her house and have her stay at his once he entered a new relationship. I have a mixed family and have got on well with all ex partners so don’t think I’m massively jealous but this felt
like it crossed the normal boundaries of
feeling the relationship was safe and prioritising your current partner. I feel bereft but also angry and disrespected in equal measure. He said he loved
me and that our connection was rare for him so why risk it. I wondered if it kept a sabatage option very close to the surface as he’s an avoidant following difficult childhood. Any thoughts appreciated!

If he says he loves you, give him some time to mull your ultimatum over.

I think it's hard op, the fact he's been transparent with neither of you would suggest to me that there was a reason why he didn't tell her you existed and 8 months in a good steady relationship is a long time for that. Unless he simply hasn't processed that if you say he's nd and in his head has just kept things very separate so it didn't come up.

I think ultimately you're telling him very clearly what you need from the relationship and if he can't provide that, that's okay - but then it's maybe not as compatible a relationship as you first thought.

If he does come back to you I'd be wanting to sit down together and have a very direct and explicit conversation about expectations and boundaries and then you need to see if you can each align on that. But thats me giving him the benefit of the doubt given that you say he's neuro diverse. Had you not said that I wouldn't even entertain speaking to him again because transparency is key for me in relationships.

I would have sorted your divorce out first

Honestly I think you’ve done the right thing ending it but then I was well and truly bitten on the arse by not setting my boundaries regarding his female ‘best friend’ like you have in my last relationship.

Arghh… I got distracted and timed out on editing this for typos! Here’s the corrected version:

Am I right to feel upset that 8 months into a relationship with an intelligent guy in his 60s, I discover what I thought was an old friend with whom he meets up approximately monthly and sometimes they stay over in each others house, wasn’t in fact an old friend but an ex-dating partner and when I asked if we could all
meet to create transparency was
met with resistance? A month later he changed his story and confessed they slept together once and immediately he realised it wasn’t right and they became platonic friends. I also discovered that he hadn’t told her of my existence until
about a month ago too so I’m feeling very unsure as to my value in his life. It was essentially a tender and meaningful relationship and neither of us are spring chickens (I’m a youthful 57) but he was also funny about me meeting his local friends but had introduced me to some of his old non-local friends so he seems to have selective sensitivity around whom he feels comfortable with me meeting . He’s very
intelligent and is a highly functioning neurodivergent guy. He tells me his friends are his backup plan. He’s never had a really long relationship, a few that lasted some years and once bought a house with someone but it didn’t work but got better once they decided to be platonic flatmates. I suspect he’s had hundreds of dates and is sexually experienced and no children. We’ve now split up as he can’t accept my anxiety over his refusal to let me meet with her and simply calm
me by finally letting us all meet so I know that both she and I are clear about each other’s presence. He says he can’t have me dictating who he can see but I certainly wasn’t doing this but because this started with deception it’s now made things much more loaded than would have been the case had he not simply introduced us or slowed down staying at her house and have her stay at his once he entered a new relationship. I have a mixed family and have got on well with all ex partners so don’t think I’m massively jealous but this felt
like it crossed the normal boundaries of
feeling the relationship was safe and prioritising your current partner. I feel bereft but also angry and disrespected in equal measure. He said he loved
me and that our connection was rare for him so why risk it? I wondered if it kept a sabatage option very close to the surface as he’s an avoidant following a difficult childhood. Any thoughts appreciated!

This is who he is. All of this is classic avoidant attachment. Declaration of big feelings, gradually eroding the relationship and withdrawing from it. Having other complicated entanglements. Keeping your relationship a secret. Why do you think this is good enough for you?

It’s almost four years since my marriage ended and I moved out for the last two years. I’m just processing the administrative side of it now. He knows paperwork is just that and I filed nearly two months ago now.

@bigboykitty. It’s taken me a while to really understand clearly the lack of transparency but I’m now taking your attitude and trying to muster indignation and disappointment over his behaviour rather than me feeling I need to give things time for him to feel ready to integrate me clearly into all areas of his life and create clarity to reduce unnecessary anxiety.

It's so thankless @poppyfield71 . Ask me how I know. It's confusing and doesn't make much sense. You have to prioritise your own sanity, because avoidants are really self-focused and utterly selfish

My thoughts are that at your ages( I'm older than you) why are you putting yourself through all this stress? Is it simply to have a man in your life?

Surely by now you know what you want and if you're not getting it then get rid of him, and also, that it's perfectly possible to have a great life without a man in it.

"He says he can't have me dictating who he can see"

Massive double-standards there, because he is essentially dictating to you which of his friends you are allowed to see, he's meeting with an ex on a regular basis, and he won't let you meet her.

"He said he loved me and that our connection was rare for him so why risk it"

Well he's the one who's risked this rare connection, by continuing in a relationship with another woman and expecting you to be happy about it.

Tell him that you are not going to play by his rules, so he can consider himself dumped.

Edited - sorry I didn't mean to quote your entire OP and it won't let me delete it now.

I would not continue a relationship with someone who talks in this confusing, wrong-footing way. I expect he is sleeping with both of you. Sorry.

Taxi!

I mean he’s a lying shit. He’s sleeping with the other woman and he won’t let you meet his main friends because they know it.

If he’s never had a relationship at his age, news flash, you aren’t special! You’ve not magically made him settle down.

“our connection is so rare” lol, next you will be telling us he also says “I’ve never met anyone like you” and “it’s you and me against the world” and “no one else has ever understood me like you” and “You’re different from other women” and all the other textbook manipulative shite players say.

He’s taking the piss. Keep him dumped.

Brilliant reply

It is time you left.
Ask yourself, does staying help me? If it doesn't, it really is time to move on whether you like this of not.
Remember...one second longer with the wrong person, is keeping you one second longer with the right person

Sorry you;ve come across one like this. He doesn't want you restricting him and yet he restricts you. You could give him all the time in the world and he will never be ready for a full relationship with you. Even if he does turn up it will be more of the same eeked out over months or even years. All you will get are the crumbs, he's doing that to his "friend" already by the sounds of it.

I'm not normally an LTB sayer but I think you've done the best thing to cut your losses now before he wastes anymore of your time and your self esteem.

You’re both too grown to have such complicated relationships. He’s either in or out, and he obviously still wants to be single/available. It’s really up to you whether you want him as he is or if you want to find someone who won’t mess you about.

Ah you’ve encountered the infamous ‘oldest swinger in town’ specimen of man on dating apps.

Lots of dates. No serious relationship history. An ex with low self esteem who believed the ‘never felt like this before with anyone but now that you’ve challenged me on my behaviour I am going to withdraw from you to find someone else but keep you on a string’ on convenient standby whilst he puts it about with you.

He doesn’t love you. What you have is not rare. He isn’t the love of your life getting away.

He’s a sad old bastard with commitment issues who gets his kicks from dangling a future that doesn’t exist in front of women who buy his bullshit.

And if you think the sleep overs were platonic I have a bridge and some magic beans to sell you. He doesn’t want you meeting because she thinks you are just a bit on the side to get things out of his system until he commits to her.

He isn’t some wounded hero sabotaging his one true chance at love because of his trauma. He got caught cheating.

Apps are full of them. He’ll stick with someone when he needs a live in nurse and not a moment too soon.

Chalk it up as an encounter with a community dick, get tested and never believe any nonsense like that from anyone again.

I lost count of the red flags here
Please don't go back to him, OP, he sounds a complete loser.
As PPs have said, chalk it up and run for the hills.
Find somebody who loves you and doesn't mess you about. It's not easy, but it's better than wasting time on nonsense like this.

I don’t think any other replys are necessary because these brilliant MNs have given you solid advice.

i dated an avoidant for 5yrs! Had some ex an hour away he saw from time to time. He finally broke it off with me dated someone else and became engaged in 11 months to her broke that off and is now on relationship #5/6/7? Not sure but he’s friendly with a cousins husband so I hear things on occasion.

and OP I’m happily (re) married now.

and the avoidant and I were in our 40s both divorced. I didn’t have MN to advise me but you smart girl came looking for advice and MN answered

That sounds really emotionally difficult @poppyfield71.

He sounds incredibly manipulative, completely self centred and honestly very unpleasant. It comes up quite a bit on here with women who have experience with a small minority of men with ND that there is a type of ND that comes across almost indistinguishable from NPD. I suspect your guy has this version.

Obviously you felt a draw to him but you wouldn’t be the first woman out there to be drawn to really poor relationship dynamics.

Don’t they seem to say these days that isn’t really the Chemistry we used to think it was but rather us playing out familiar past patterns trying to get them to resolve this time around.

I think the relationship belongs in the bin. Keep it there.

Thank you all. I know in my heart I’ve got to let this one go. I am surprised at myself for having let things get this far when really he was being emotionally abusive by controlling who I could and couldn’t socialise with right from the start ( understandable at the early stage) . Also drip feeding me the info that the ‘old friend’ he used to go and visit and she him (the main one I most definitely wasn’t allowed to be integrated with) was in fact his unsuccessful dating partner before me with whom he had clearly developed enough of a bond to really want to keep her in his life despite knowing not introducing us was so hurtful and eventually triggering for me.

Maybe it’s that age old thing that sex for a woman unfortunately forms an instant connection.
I do think some of this can be attributed to having a degree of neurodiversity and horrible childhood but he was a retired GP for heaven’s sake, so it seemed could get his act together when it was worth it to
him. So clearly I need to work in my own self esteem and ask why I’d choose, form a real bond with (or so it seemed) and stay whilst I knew he was repeatedly drawing me close and dropping me from a great height by irrationally not including me even in a casual way in key areas of his social life which was deeply hurtful.

It sounds like this is the way he’s lived his life. He’s never had long relationships, no kids, probably just moved from one woman to the next. The fact that he said he doesn’t want you dictating who he can see suggests he wants to keep his options open. The reluctance to introduce you to friends says he’s not serious about you or maybe he is more involved with this other woman and his friends know this woman as his ‘partner’. I’m a similar age to you and it sounds like a lot of hassle, why not find someone less complicated.

It sounds absolutely exhausting. Bin the loser, and be very kind to yourself.