Page 2 | Avoidant dating partner in his 60smstill seeing previous ex date

poppyfield71 · 2026-05-22T14:37:38+00:00

Am I right to feel upset that 8 months into a relationship with an intelligent guy in his 60s, I discover what I thought was an old friend with whom he meets up approximately monthly and sometimes they stay over in each others house wasn’t in fact an old friend but an ex dating partner and when I asked if we could all meet to create transparency was met with resistance. I month later he changed his story and confessed they slept together once and immediately he realised it wasn’t right and they became platonic friends. I also discovered that he hadn’t told her of my existence until about a month ago. It was essentially a tender and meaningful relationship and neither of us are spring chickens (I’m a youthful 57) but he was also funny about me meeting his local friends but had introduced me to some of his old friends so hr seems to have selective sensitivity around whom he feels comfortable with me meeting . He’s very intelligent and is a highly functioning neurodivergent guy. He tells me his friends are his backup plan. He’s never had a really long relationship, I suspect hundreds of dates and is sexually experienced and no children. We’ve now split up as he can’t accept my anxiety over his refusal to let me meet with her and simply calm me by finally letting us all meet so I know that both she and I are clear about each other’s presence. He says he can’t have me dictating who he can see but I certainly have never done this but because this started with deception it’s now made things much more loaded than would have been the case had he not simply introduced us or slowed down staying at her house and have her stay at his once he entered a new relationship. I have a mixed family and have got on well with all ex partners so don’t think I’m massively jealous but this felt like it crossed the normal boundaries of feeling the relationship was safe and prioritising your current partner. I feel bereft but also angry and disrespected in equal measure. He said he loved me and that our connection was rare for him so why risk it. I wondered if it kept a sabatage option very close to the surface as he’s an avoidant following difficult childhood. Any thoughts appreciated!

Nogreenskittles · 23/05/2026 08:39

@poppyfield71 i think one of the (few) benefits of dating in middle age is that what you see is what you get.

he is all the man he is ever going to be. If he is still behaving like this at 60, then don’t waste time hoping it will change.

and at least you aren’t the woman he dated in his early 30’s who maybe stayed with him for years hoping he'd change’, ‘mature’ , or ‘grow up’.

MegMortimer · 23/05/2026 08:42

He sounds quite a lot like the twat I first had a 'relationship' with after my divorce. Get rid, OP, I agree with the other PP.

ItchyandScratchiness · 23/05/2026 11:24

Nogreenskittles · 23/05/2026 08:39

@poppyfield71 i think one of the (few) benefits of dating in middle age is that what you see is what you get.

he is all the man he is ever going to be. If he is still behaving like this at 60, then don’t waste time hoping it will change.

and at least you aren’t the woman he dated in his early 30’s who maybe stayed with him for years hoping he'd change’, ‘mature’ , or ‘grow up’.

Wow. Another great reply that is actually me with my own post break up healing.

MarkingBad · 23/05/2026 13:30

poppyfield71 · 23/05/2026 08:10

Thank you all. I know in my heart I’ve got to let this one go. I am surprised at myself for having let things get this far when really he was being emotionally abusive by controlling who I could and couldn’t socialise with right from the start ( understandable at the early stage) . Also drip feeding me the info that the ‘old friend’ he used to go and visit and she him (the main one I most definitely wasn’t allowed to be integrated with) was in fact his unsuccessful dating partner before me with whom he had clearly developed enough of a bond to really want to keep her in his life despite knowing not introducing us was so hurtful and eventually triggering for me.

Maybe it’s that age old thing that sex for a woman unfortunately forms an instant connection.
I do think some of this can be attributed to having a degree of neurodiversity and horrible childhood but he was a retired GP for heaven’s sake, so it seemed could get his act together when it was worth it to
him. So clearly I need to work in my own self esteem and ask why I’d choose, form a real bond with (or so it seemed) and stay whilst I knew he was repeatedly drawing me close and dropping me from a great height by irrationally not including me even in a casual way in key areas of his social life which was deeply hurtful.

Edited

You said "he had clearly developed enough of a bond to really want to keep her in his life"

Sorry that's not how it works and this may make it easier to make the break.

He does not care for nor have a bond with this woman, she just hasn't spotted him for the waster he is and he will dangle her on the end of a long leash for as long as she will allow him to. There is no care here, she is just a convenient lay for him.

His only thought is for himself, not you and certainly not her. It''s nothing to do with his childhood or her personality, it's soley down to him not wanting to commit to anything so he will take anyone who is willing to give him time.

Like many others here, been there, done that.

Don't beat yourself up, he said and did all the right things in order to get you on his hook, that you noticed in such a short time while still in the rosy glow phase is remarkable. At his age he has had a great deal of practise so if anything you should have a gold star for spotting his ploy and talking to others about it.

Edited for spelling and add last paragraph

ForTipsyFinch · 23/05/2026 13:32

He’s misrepresented himself as single to someone he’s slept with. Men like this, regardless of age tend to this because they like having multiple options around and tbh he’s probably been stringing her long. He really doesn’t sound great.

AnnieBond · 23/05/2026 13:40

poppyfield71 · 23/05/2026 08:10

Thank you all. I know in my heart I’ve got to let this one go. I am surprised at myself for having let things get this far when really he was being emotionally abusive by controlling who I could and couldn’t socialise with right from the start ( understandable at the early stage) . Also drip feeding me the info that the ‘old friend’ he used to go and visit and she him (the main one I most definitely wasn’t allowed to be integrated with) was in fact his unsuccessful dating partner before me with whom he had clearly developed enough of a bond to really want to keep her in his life despite knowing not introducing us was so hurtful and eventually triggering for me.

Maybe it’s that age old thing that sex for a woman unfortunately forms an instant connection.
I do think some of this can be attributed to having a degree of neurodiversity and horrible childhood but he was a retired GP for heaven’s sake, so it seemed could get his act together when it was worth it to
him. So clearly I need to work in my own self esteem and ask why I’d choose, form a real bond with (or so it seemed) and stay whilst I knew he was repeatedly drawing me close and dropping me from a great height by irrationally not including me even in a casual way in key areas of his social life which was deeply hurtful.

Edited

If you have a wobble just re read your iwn
post!!

🤗

AnnieBond · 23/05/2026 13:41

poppyfield71 · 23/05/2026 08:10

Thank you all. I know in my heart I’ve got to let this one go. I am surprised at myself for having let things get this far when really he was being emotionally abusive by controlling who I could and couldn’t socialise with right from the start ( understandable at the early stage) . Also drip feeding me the info that the ‘old friend’ he used to go and visit and she him (the main one I most definitely wasn’t allowed to be integrated with) was in fact his unsuccessful dating partner before me with whom he had clearly developed enough of a bond to really want to keep her in his life despite knowing not introducing us was so hurtful and eventually triggering for me.

Maybe it’s that age old thing that sex for a woman unfortunately forms an instant connection.
I do think some of this can be attributed to having a degree of neurodiversity and horrible childhood but he was a retired GP for heaven’s sake, so it seemed could get his act together when it was worth it to
him. So clearly I need to work in my own self esteem and ask why I’d choose, form a real bond with (or so it seemed) and stay whilst I knew he was repeatedly drawing me close and dropping me from a great height by irrationally not including me even in a casual way in key areas of his social life which was deeply hurtful.

Edited

If you have a wobble just re read your iwn
post!!

🤗

AnnieBond · 23/05/2026 13:41

poppyfield71 · 23/05/2026 08:10

Thank you all. I know in my heart I’ve got to let this one go. I am surprised at myself for having let things get this far when really he was being emotionally abusive by controlling who I could and couldn’t socialise with right from the start ( understandable at the early stage) . Also drip feeding me the info that the ‘old friend’ he used to go and visit and she him (the main one I most definitely wasn’t allowed to be integrated with) was in fact his unsuccessful dating partner before me with whom he had clearly developed enough of a bond to really want to keep her in his life despite knowing not introducing us was so hurtful and eventually triggering for me.

Maybe it’s that age old thing that sex for a woman unfortunately forms an instant connection.
I do think some of this can be attributed to having a degree of neurodiversity and horrible childhood but he was a retired GP for heaven’s sake, so it seemed could get his act together when it was worth it to
him. So clearly I need to work in my own self esteem and ask why I’d choose, form a real bond with (or so it seemed) and stay whilst I knew he was repeatedly drawing me close and dropping me from a great height by irrationally not including me even in a casual way in key areas of his social life which was deeply hurtful.

Edited

If you have a wobble just re read your own
post!!

🤗

DatingDinosaur · 23/05/2026 13:41

So he's two-timing you and is pissed off because you're not blindly accepting his story?

That can be the only explanation for his lack of transparency and moodiness.

Keep him dumped.

My good male friend was more than happy to introduce me to any of his girlfriends .... because there is actually nothing going on between us.

AnnieBond · 23/05/2026 13:41

poppyfield71 · 23/05/2026 08:10

Thank you all. I know in my heart I’ve got to let this one go. I am surprised at myself for having let things get this far when really he was being emotionally abusive by controlling who I could and couldn’t socialise with right from the start ( understandable at the early stage) . Also drip feeding me the info that the ‘old friend’ he used to go and visit and she him (the main one I most definitely wasn’t allowed to be integrated with) was in fact his unsuccessful dating partner before me with whom he had clearly developed enough of a bond to really want to keep her in his life despite knowing not introducing us was so hurtful and eventually triggering for me.

Maybe it’s that age old thing that sex for a woman unfortunately forms an instant connection.
I do think some of this can be attributed to having a degree of neurodiversity and horrible childhood but he was a retired GP for heaven’s sake, so it seemed could get his act together when it was worth it to
him. So clearly I need to work in my own self esteem and ask why I’d choose, form a real bond with (or so it seemed) and stay whilst I knew he was repeatedly drawing me close and dropping me from a great height by irrationally not including me even in a casual way in key areas of his social life which was deeply hurtful.

Edited

If you have a wobble just re read your own
post!!

🤗